


Some Kind of Beautiful

by dimerization



Series: Feeling in the Pipeline [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Animal Death, Child Death, Destruction Ending, Disabled Character, F/M, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Gore, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mass Effect 3, Past Relationship(s), Post-Mass Effect 3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Romance, Slurs, Smut, Trans Character, side pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:32:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2451401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimerization/pseuds/dimerization
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reapers have been destroyed, along with every other artificial life form in the galaxy.  The Normandy has crashed somewhere on Earth after the detonation of the Crucible, and Maj. Alenko must take stock of the situation and get them in the air again after the loss of Cmdr. Shepard.  Everyone is convinced that Shepard perished on the Citadel, but Kaidan is damned if he'll abandon his beloved's body to a cold grave in outer space one more time.</p><p>Post-ME3 fic beginning during the Extended Cut victory sequence.  Colonist/Sole Survivor Shepard has been suffering from severe PTSD following her death and subsequent resurrection by Cerberus, struggling through it with Kaidan's much-needed support.  When he finds her badly injured but alive on the Citadel, he decides to take her home to Canada with him to recuperate.</p><p>*** NOTE ***</p><p>I'm currently in the process of changing Kaidan's pronouns over from he/him/his to they/them/theirs in this series.  My ultimate intention is to treat Kaidan as a nonbinary trans character who uses they/them pronouns in this entire continuity.  But this fic is long, and I need to sleep sometimes, so I'll be fixing Kaidan's pronouns chapter by chapter.  Sorry for the inconsistencies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which we grieve

 Joker was crying. He wept softly, the private tears of a grown man in pain. Still, Kaidan could hear him clearly from halfway up the bridge. The Normandy was dead quiet – the surviving crew had piled out the airlock to gaze in wonder at the empty sky. When Kaidan had ducked inside, Daniels and Donnelly were still arguing about where they'd landed.

“Peru? No, look at the foliage, this is Chile!”

“And when did _you_ become an expert Earth botanist, may I ask?” Kaidan hadn't had the heart to laugh at Daniels' skeptical tone.

They paused at the cockpit door, which seemed to be jammed open by a bent bulkhead. Joker was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and EDI's lifeless body in his lap. With the loss of power, her hair had reverted to the million fine strands she only ever seemed to wear on dates with him. Joker was running his fingers through it, tucking a lock behind her ear again and again. His tears dripped onto her silver polymer skin and glittered like gems under the emergency lights. He heard Kaidan approach – you could tell by the set of his shoulders – but he didn't look up.

“Joker...” He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. Kaidan knelt beside him.

“I'm so sorry,” they said. Joker rubbed a palm over his face, taking a shuddering breath.

“I loved her, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.” Kaidan shut their eyes on Shepard's face, hearing her tell them goodbye for the thousandth time. The dressing on their burns pulled as they ran a weary hand through their hair.

“She was an AI, but I loved her so much.” Joker's voice cracked. Kaidan put a hand on his shoulder, then took it away again.

“Do you think Shepard knew?”

“That the Crucible would...”

“Would kill EDI.” Joker stroked a synthetic brow with gentle fingers. Even EDI's eyelashes had separated, Kaidan saw. She looked real, like a sleeping, silver woman, perfect in every detail.

“Nobody knew what the Crucible would do. Not really.”

“What if she did?” Joker whispered.

“Then she would've also known that EDI was ready to die to defeat the Reapers,” Kaidan said. Joker shut his eyes, tears leaking down his cheeks.

“Yeah.”

“I think EDI was proud to give her life alongside the Commander. I know... I know I would have been.” It was easier to say than they'd expected. Still, their voice shook.

“Yeah,” said Joker. He sniffed, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Sorry, Kaidan. I guess I'm not the only one who lost a – who lost somebody today.” Kaidan rubbed burning eyes.

“Yeah,” they said.

“She never stopped working, not even for a second, even when she saw the detonation.” Joker looked down at EDI's peaceful face. “I think she guessed what would happen. We saw the blast and she turned to me and said, Jeff, I love you – ” His voice broke. This time, Kaidan's hand on his shoulder seemed to comfort him. Joker gathered EDI against his chest, leaning his face into her hair. Kaidan waited patiently until his tears subsided, doing their best not to think. At last, Joker wiped his eyes, laying EDI down with a long sigh.

“Can the Normandy get off the ground?” Kaidan asked.

“Uh.” It seemed to take Joker a moment to collect himself. “Sh – the ship's spaceworthy. Needs some minor repairs, but we could be flying again in a few hours.”

“Good. There's something we need to do.” Kaidan levered themself upright and reached out a hand to Joker. The pilot looked at Kaidan's hand, then helplessly down at EDI's body, lying inert across his crippled legs.

“Here.” Kaidan knelt and gathered EDI in their arms, rising with a grunt. She was lighter than they'd expected. They would have thought that a mech capable of lifting them bodily off the ground one-handed would weigh a little more.

“I'll take her down to the AI Core,” they said. Joker nodded.

“That seems... yeah. Thanks Kaidan.”

“I'll send Adams up here to coordinate repairs, too. I need to talk to Dr. Chakwas anyway.”

“Right. Hey, Kaidan – ” They paused in the doorway, looking back. Joker was haggard, but steady.

“I'm sorry,” Joker said. “About Shepard. We're all mourning her, the whole crew.” Kaidan nodded, swallowing hard.

“I know,” they said, and left.

 

~~~

 

“The memorial plaques? Sure, they're in the Commander's quarters.” Dr. Chakwas looked tired, but satisfied.

“Really? Weird place for them.”

“The ship's captain is the one who orders them put on the wall. Shepard and I put the first batch together ourselves after the battle on the Citadel.” She smiled faintly. “Stayed up half the night doing it, and got blind drunk. She was a good woman to drink with.” Kaidan laughed in spite of themself.

“Dangerous, though.”

“Oh, did I learn that the hard way! God but the Commander could hold her liquor.” The two of them smiled for a moment, then sobered.

“Come with me,” said Kaidan. “I don't want to go up there alone.”

They had to go through half her drawers before they found the box of blank plaques.

“I never knew she read so much,” Dr. Chakwas said, shaking her head over Shepard's collection of mystery novels.

“Yeah. Not so many Earthborn authors, but she read a lot of stuff by other colonists. She liked turian romances, too.”

“ _What_ are turian romance novels like?” Dr. Chakwas was intrigued. Kaidan grinned.

“Violent. Explicit. She said the writing was clever, but didn't leave much to the imagination.” Chakwas chuckled. “I think she got tired of thinking sometimes.”

“PTSD is a horror show,” the doctor said. “Shepard spent too much time locked inside her head. I wish I could have helped her but she wouldn't _talk_ to me. Just getting her to take a sedative was a battle. Of course, you know all about that.” Kaidan braced their fists on Shepard's desk, staring down at the box of placards with unfocused eyes.

“Yeah.”

“You were the best thing that had happened to her in years, Kaidan. Maybe ever.” Dr. Chakwas rested a hand on their shoulder. “She trusted you. She loved you very much, you know.” Kaidan nodded, their eyes filling. They scrubbed a hand across their face, but the tears kept coming.

“Oh Kaidan, I am so sorry. Does it comfort you to know that you brought her peace? She'd had none in years, I think. She was so alone. Liara is wonderful, and being with an asari is... intimate... but she isn't _human._ You are. You made such a difference to her.”

“Damn it,” they choked, burying their face in their hands. Chakwas rubbed their back sympathetically.

“She was never willing to be vulnerable to me. For all her bravado, I think she was terrified of doctors after what Cerberus did to her. But you'd been through it, you'd dealt with separation from your family, the trauma, you'd had PTSD and recovered. People always talked about Cmdr. Shepard, you know, the hero of the galaxy, the one who brought us hope. Well, you brought _her_ hope, Kaidan. Because you understood. You were her proof that she could heal, that love and happiness were possible for her. In the end, I think you were what she fought for.”

“She _left_ me, Karin! She did it again. God!” They slammed a fist down on the desk. “That _asshole!_ She promised we'd face it all together and then she left me. I lived and she died. Again. But this time we  _had_ each other, this time we were –” They couldn't go on.

“You were in love.”

“I would have married her, you know? If she wanted to. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, even if it was just another ninety seconds, I wanted to _be_ there.”

“I know, Kaidan. And so did she. That's why she sent you away in the end. What good was hope if she had to watch it get blown to bits right in front of her?” Kaidan shook their head.

“She promised, Karin.”

“I know. I know. She made that promise because she loved you, Kaidan, and she broke it for the same reason.” Dr. Chakwas leaned on the desk, peering up into his face. “You're the ranking officer on this ship now, Major. The Normandy is yours. What are your orders?” Kaidan shut their eyes and took a deep breath, straightening their back.

“Repairs are currently under way. We should be spaceworthy again in a few hours. In the meantime, I think we've got a memorial service to plan.” Their voice shook, but their hands were steady as they gathered up the plaques and stencils.

“Yes, Major,” the doctor said.

 

~~~

 

Most of the crew was busy with repairs, but Shepard's team made time for the service. There was paint still wet on the mess hall table, and the airbrush and stencils lay in a heap behind them as people crowded around the Memorial Wall, surrounding Kaidan in a tight knot of friends and fellow mourners. The crew had hooked the intercom up to broadcast throughout the ship at Adams' insistence. Kaidan had sat through a long pause after asking Joker to get it working, waiting for the pilot to collect himself after drawing a breath and turning to EDI's empty chair.

People dropped in and out as they were able. Daniels and Donnelly placed placards for a few friends lost in the crash, Joker limped up to put EDI's name on the wall with shaking hands, and on and on until only a few remained. At last there was just one plaque left, warm from spending so long clenched in Kaidan's hands. Garrus and Tali leaned on each other; James shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor; Liara stood firm and steady at Kaidan's right hand, her face a mask of calm, asari sorrow. Kaidan stepped forward without speaking, and hung the placard on the wall.

 

JANE SHEPARD

 

They all stood, gazing at it in silence. James twitched as Garrus drew breath to speak.

“Shepard was my commander, my friend, and the best damn soldier I've ever known. She did what she set out to do, and a hell of a lot more. She swore she'd bring down the Reapers no matter the cost, and then she worked her ass off to keep that cost as low as possible. How many lives has Shepard saved? All of ours and billions of others. She saved my people.”

“And mine,” Tali broke in. Garrus squeezed her hand.

“She saved us all,” he said. “She saved the galaxy and destroyed the Reapers forever.”

“Jane was the bravest person I have ever met,” Liara said. “It was an honor to know her, and a privilege to work with her, and a joy to love her and be her friend. She's part of all of us, because she cared for all of us. The Commander may be dead, but she is not gone. As long as any being in this galaxy draws breath free from the Reaper menace, she will still be with us.”

“Shepard, you sneaky bastard,” said Tali, “you may have left us behind for awhile, but don't think you're off the hook. Dying twice is just the kind of shit you'd pull. I'll see you in the afterlife, and you'll owe me a damned drink.” Everyone laughed, even Kaidan.

“She'll owe us _all_ drinks,” said Garrus. “She promised to meet me at the bar up there, after all. She'll have a round lined up and waiting by the time we get there. Two rounds, knowing her.”

“And she'll already be roaring drunk, and we'll be hard put to catch up with her,” said Dr. Chakwas. Chuckles subsided into a respectful silence. Kaidan realized everyone was waiting on them, giving them space to speak.

“Shepard,” they  began, and stopped, searching for the words they needed. “Shepard. You gave your life for all of us, for this entire galaxy. You gave for your friends, for your people, for... for me. I swear to you, we won't waste it. Every second is a gift from you, and that makes every second precious. I promise, Shepard – Jane – I'll treasure every one.” They took a deep breath. “Goodbye, Shepard. Goodbye, Commander. And thank you.”

“Yes,” said Liara. “Thank you.” A chorus of murmured thanks and farewells rose from the assembled crew. All over the ship, people paused for a moment, even Joker, although he did not speak, but closed his eyes for a second and then got back to work.

Kaidan was in the mess hall gathering up blank plaques and paint-stained stencils when Joker buzzed them on the comm.

“We're good to go, Major.”

“Great. Get us up to the Citadel.”

“Uh... what? Why?” Kaidan picked up the box and headed for the elevator.

“She deserves a proper burial this time,” they said.

“Okay, Major.” Joker signed off. “If there's anything left to _bury_ ,” he said to EDI's chair, and engaged the thrusters.


	2. In which Lazarus returns.  Again.

“Goddess, Kaidan!” Liara planted her fists on her hips and scowled. Most of the team was crowded onto the bridge, all of them looking appalled, shocked, worried, or some combination of the three.

“The Citadel exploded when the Crucible fired, we all saw it,” said Garrus. “No way anything is left out there.”

“Don't torture yourself for Shepard's sake, Kaidan,” said Tali. “She's just atoms now, and she wouldn't want it.” The others chorused their agreement.

“Okay, the Citadel did _not_ explode. The _Crucible_ exploded,” said Kaidan, feeling beleaguered.

“Yeah, and she was right there when it happened. She set the damn thing off!” said Garrus.

“But it was hooked up to the Tower, and _that_ didn't get vaporized.”

“It's a _space station!”_

“And Shepard was inside it!” Kaidan massaged his forehead with one hand. _Am I getting a migraine? I can't even tell anymore._ “Look, guys, I don't expect to find any survivors. Shepard is, she's gone. It's just – you don't know, she didn't talk about it with anyone, but what Cerberus did... bringing her back was... traumatic.” He felt a pang of regret at the shock on Liara's face, but he didn't stop talking. “Shepard didn't want anyone to know, and we all had other things to worry about, but I'm sure you all noticed some changes in her.” Silence, nods.

“The PTSD was... severe. It wasn't just Cerberus. I think she's had PTSD since Akuz that was never actually treated. But she'd dealt with that. It's just, after seeing what she went through... She's spent enough time floating around in space. She deserves a real burial, a real grave. She should be put to rest where no one can ever get at her again. It's what she wanted. She never said it but, trust me. I have to do that for her. If she really was vaporized like you all think then, well, it's done. But if she's not... I have to see. I have to _know_.” He looked around at his friends. “Okay?” Liara stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm.

“Okay, Kaidan,” she said.

“I'll go with you,” said Garrus.

“So will I. I never knew... Giving her to Cerberus, I thought – she never said –” Liara was visibly upset. “I owe her this at least.”

“Liara...” She waved Kaidan off.

“Let's go,” she said.

James brought them down in the shuttle. The Wards seemed almost entirely destroyed, but much of the Presidium was miraculously intact, if damaged. They got in through an immense hole where one of the Wards had been – even Garrus wasn't sure which – and landed in an airlock only a short walk from the Tower. They didn't even need their EV suits.

“Stay here, and no crashing into anything,” Kaidan ordered.

“Christ, don't you people ever talk about anything else?” James complained, but he stayed.

“What a mess,” Garrus said, surveying the Presidium, which appeared to have been turned upside down and shaken. They picked their way through the rubble and downed trees to the Tower doors. They had to lever the doors open with a piece of heavy steel pipe, and it took all three of them heaving to force their way in. Liara stepped inside and choked back a cry. Kaidan didn't have her self-control.

“Fucking _God._ ” He realized he had a hand clamped over his mouth and lowered it slowly, staring at the carnage, mind blank with horror.

“Spirits,” Garrus whispered.

There were bodies everywhere, piled on the steps, all along the hall, filling the Tower. The red emergency lighting made the scene even grimmer, if that was possible. They moved slowly among the dead, biting back apologies when they stepped on a hand or torso by accident in the dark. The place reeked of blood, shit, and fear. Kaidan was the first to don his breather helmet; the other two quickly followed suit. Movement ahead brought Kaidan up short. He whipped out his pistol, hastily signaling the others to arm up. They crept forward slowly, Liara's fists glimmering blue in the dimness.

“What is it?” Garrus hissed.

“No idea,” Liara replied, her voice low.

“Collector troops, maybe?”

“Can they operate without Reapers controlling them?”

Kaidan held up a hand for quiet as they reached the top of the stairs – and stopped short. It was a Keeper, puttering around, clearing bodies away from a console so it could continue some inscrutable task.

“How did it survive the blast?” Liara said. Garrus shrugged. Kaidan stood speechless, staring at the creature, which coolly ignored them and began tapping away at its terminal. At last he shook himself.

“Come on.” Garrus and Liara fell in behind him.

“This ramp didn't used to be here,” Liara said. The piles of corpses stopped abruptly as they crossed from the Citadel tower onto the ramp itself.

“This is eerie,” said Garrus.

“Everything involving the Reapers has been eerie. Why should that stop just because the war's over?”

“This must be part of the Crucible itself,” Kaidan said.

“Didn't it explode?” said Garrus.

“It must have incorporated part of itself into the Citadel somehow,” Liara said.

Kaidan checked as they reached the end of the ramp. They stood in a broad, circular chamber, which seemed to have been very thoroughly blown up. There was rubble everywhere, blackened plastic, twisted metal, broken glass.

“And _then_ it exploded,” Garrus said.

“Evidently.”

“Fan out,” said Kaidan. “Let's see what we can find.” Garrus went down the left side of the room; Liara went right, while Kaidan began picking his way down the center of the floor, clambering over blocks of machined ceramic and twisted I-beams. Garrus was muttering as his sniper rifle got caught on debris. Kaidan slipped on a loose tile and swore.

“I've got a body!” Liara called. Kaidan's heart leapt. “It's the Illusive Man, I think. Goddess, his _face!”_ Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart pounding. _Cool it,_ he thought. _Garrus was probably right. You can bet, an explosion like this, Shepard was in the middle of it._

“Anderson's here,” Garrus said heavily. “Spirits guide him.”

Kaidan kept moving forward, feet sliding on ash and loose debris. He was nearly at – no, it was a destroyed console, not a pile of blasted electrical components – when the ground to his right seemed to... breathe. He froze, staring. _Am I seeing things?_ No, there it was again, something struggling feebly to move between two heaps of blackened slag. Another Keeper? He drew his pistol, making his way toward the movement.

“What do you got, Kaidan?” Garrus was at his elbow. The thing thrashed, heaving itself half-upright before collapsing with a – groan? It began to cough weakly. _Keepers don't cough,_ Kaidan thought. It had gone very quiet in his head for some reason.

“Shepard!” Garrus shouted, pushing past him and dropping to his knees on the slag, reaching down with careful hands to lift her off the ground.

 _“Shepard?”_ Liara cried, voice cracking.

Kaidan found himself on his knees beside Garrus, staring down at Shepard's body – Shepard's moving, breathing, bleeding body. He tore off his helmet, dropping it and helping Garrus lift her into a sitting position, supporting her head carefully. Her implant scars were open and bleeding and her breath bubbled in her chest, but her eyes flickered open as he cupped her head in one hand. Her lips shaped his name, but she was too weak to talk. Garrus moved behind her, letting her lean on him, and Liara took his place beside Kaidan, hurriedly loading medi-gel into her omnitool.

“Hang on, Shepard,” she said, and got to work. The first aid application stopped most of the bleeding. Liara yanked a knife from her boot and began cutting away what melted remains of Shepard's armor she could, hissing over the gunshot wound in her side and the massive bruises. A hasty dressing seemed to help – Shepard drew a rattling breath as the pain meds worked their way through her system.

“Spirits, Shepard, what did you do, challenge every Reaper in the place to single combat?” Garrus said. “You look like shit.”

“Vakarian,” she choked, “you rat bastard – ” Kaidan burst out laughing. Shepard smiled crookedly up at him. Garrus was laughing too.

“You've got to stop doing this, Shepard. I'm running out of things to say at your funeral.”

“Sure you'll – think of – something – _aah!”_ Liara took her hands off the armor on Shepard's thigh.

“You've got bad burns here,” she said.

“Damn thing exploded.” Shepard began to cough, bloody froth collecting at her lips.

“And internal bleeding,” said Kaidan, worry settling like ice in the pit of his stomach.

“I can't do anything for her here,” Liara said. “We've got to get her back to the ship.”

“Too far. James!” The comm hissed.

“Yes sir?”

“Shepard's alive. Get Dr. Chakwas down to the Citadel, _now_ _._ ”

“Wh – yes sir!” Kaidan signed off.

“Let's carry her out of the Tower at least,” Garrus said.

“Good idea.”

“She's got broken bones,” Liara warned. “Shepard, let me sedate you – ” Shepard's hand locked around her friend's wrist.

“No,” she grated.

“This is going to hurt then.”

“Do I look – like I give a damn?”

“Okay Shepard, no sedation,” Kaidan said. She grimaced up at him gratefully.

“Let me give you something stronger for the pain at least.” Shepard started to shake her head and hissed in pain.

“Fine,” she grunted. Liara gave her a look and readied a syringe.

“You just carry that around with you everywhere?” said Garrus.

“I had a med kit in my suit.” Liara gave Shepard the shot and she sighed, her head weighing heavy on Kaidan's palm. He laid her gently back onto Garrus's shoulder.

“Uh,” said Garrus.

“'Mawake,” Shepard mumbled.

“Okay.” The Turian was smiling.

“Let's get her up.”

It took all three of them in the end. Liara had to support Shepard's legs, as they both appeared to be broken. Even with the drugs, she had screamed when Kaidan and Garrus lifted her off the ground. As they worked their way down through the Tower, Kaidan prayed she would pass out. He could feel the blood bubbling in her chest as she breathed. Every step jolted her, and although the pain meds helped, he knew she was hurting.

James met them at the Tower doors, panting.

“Got more supplies,” he gasped, spreading out a length of canvas. “Stretcher. Put her there,” waving a hand, “doc's coming.” Kaidan could hear pounding feet – Chakwas and a nurse had followed James at a run. The doctor slid to her knees beside Shepard, breathing hard. _She's spry,_ he thought. _Fast too. James can_ book.

“You were right to bring me, Kaidan. This is bad.” The doctor's face was grave, but her hands were steady as she cut away the remains of Shepard's armor. The Commander's clothes had also been destroyed by the blast, Kaidan saw.

“James, take a walk,” he snapped as Dr. Chakwas peeled away the remains of Shepard's breastplate.

“All of you, take a walk. Not you, Dolores. You stay too, Kaidan.” Garrus rose, more or less dragging James and Liara with him.

“Help me with this,” the doctor said, pressing a pair of scissors into Kaidan's hand.

“She's got burns all down her right side, Karin,” he warned, starting on Shepard's left arm.

“Yes, I see. Half your ribs are broken, too. Broken wrist, broken leg, the other knee is dislocated – goodness, Shepard, did you challenge every Reaper to single combat, or just take them on all at once?” Shepard started to laugh, and choked.

“You're the second one to make that joke today,” Kaidan said. Nurse Huerta helped him rip the melted plastic away from Shepard's left foot.

“Who – oh, Garrus I suppose.” Dr. Chakwas shook her head. “You should have let them sedate you, Shepard. As it is, I'm going to have to do it anyway. You've got punctures in both lungs. I have to perform surgery and I won't do it while you're conscious.” Shepard wheezed. “No, don't try to talk, you stubborn bastard. What? She wants you, Kaidan.” Shepard's bare hand wrapped around his wrist. He was surprised at the strength of her grip.

“What is it?” Kaidan said, setting his scissors aside and stroking her brow.

 _Stay,_ she mouthed.

“You want me here while the doctor operates?” Shepard nodded weakly. “Of course, love. I'm not going anywhere.” She shut her eyes, assenting. _God, she's exhausted,_ he thought. _I've never seen her like this around other people before. Whatever happened up here, it was bad. Really bad._

“Okay, doctor,” he said.

“All right, Shepard. Here's the anaesthetic now.” Nurse Huerta handed her a needle. Kaidan watched Shepard lose consciousness, her face relaxing as the pain slipped away.

“She looks like a different person,” the nurse murmured.

“She was in a lot of pain.” Dr. Chakwas was pulling gear out of a bag beside her. “All right, Kaidan, if you're joining us I want you masked and gloved.” He donned the sterile things she passed him, pausing only to unwrap Shepard's limp hand from around his wrist. All Dr. Chakwas said was, “Let's get this plastic off her burns,” and got to work.

The surgery was gory, but interesting. Kaidan had wanted to be a doctor when he was younger, and watching Chakwas and Huerta's quick, competent work reminded him why. They drained her lungs, applying medi-gel laproscopically to heal the punctures. Dressing her burns took some time and Kaidan was profoundly thankful that Shepard wasn't awake for it as he watched the nurse hacking melted plastic off her shinbone. They popped her knee back into its socket and set her other leg, which was broken in two places.

“Might as well, since we're in here,” Dr. Chakwas said. “She'll need prosthetics, Kaidan. This arm will never work right again, not with the amount of nerve damage she's sustained. And she'll have a limp at the very least. She'll need exoprostheses for her right arm and leg to even approach her previous levels of functionality. In any case, her days as a soldier in the field are over.” Kaidan shut his eyes.

“She's gonna be _pissed.”_

“Yes. But I, for one, am glad. It's a miracle she's survived this long. The Commander is quite mad.” Kaidan grinned.

“Yeah, she is.” He stroked her limp hand, clasping it gently. _Crazy bastard,_ he thought. “Don't worry, Doctor. I'll keep her occupied.”

“I'm sure you will,” Dr. Chakwas said dryly. “Right. There's not much more I can do out here. She needs proper splinting, an intensive burn treatment or two, and bed rest. Let's get her back to the ship.” Nurse Huerta was packing up their unused supplies, throwing bloody cloths and tools into the Tower. The doctor stripped off her mask and gloves and Kaidan followed suit, then helped her cover Shepard in a clean drape.

“Call the others. We need help with the stretcher,” the doctor said.

 

~~~

 

It was a shame Shepard wasn't conscious for the hero's welcome she received back on the Normandy, Kaidan thought. The entire crew assembled on the bridge and crew deck, packed so tight the people in back couldn't even see her, every soldier standing at attention, most with tears in their eyes. Joker was there, crying openly as he saluted the unconscious Commander, and Tali stood with her hands over her heart, pressing Garrus's arm as he passed with the stretcher. James lead the crew in a thunderous cheer as the med bay doors closed behind them, til the hull fairly shook and Dr. Chakwas sent Liara outside to tell them to can it. Kaidan refused to leave the med bay, unwilling to break his promise to Shepard even though the surgery was long over. He sat by the head of her bed as the doctor worked, holding her leg steady as Nurse Huerta applied a cast, watching with interest as Dr. Chakwas carefully dressed Shepard's burns with thick medi-gel pads to speed the healing.

“She should be awake in an hour or so, Kaidan. You are to keep her in this bed at all costs, not that she'll be able to move much. Here is her pain medication, here is some food, and here is the water,” she said, pointing. “Make her take the meds when she wakes up. She might not be able to eat, but get some fluids into her. Give her this juice. And she may have _one_ drink. _One._ Something of _human_ origin. There is whiskey in my desk, if she insists. Now, I'm going to get something to eat. I'll have Garrus radio the Admiral, if someone else hasn't already.”

“Doctor – Karin – ” She turned in the doorway.

“Thank you,” said Kaidan.

“Just doing my job, Major,” said the doctor with a crooked smile. “Thank god you found her in time.” She left. Kaidan wrapped his hand around Shepard's and waited for her to wake up.

 

~~~

 

 _“One_ drink?” Shepard was irate. _Well, her lungs are doing better at any rate,_ Kaidan thought.

“Hey, I don't make the rules.”

“I could handle at least three,” she said, scowling.

“Tell me that again after you take your pain meds.”

“ _More_ drugs?”

“ _Eight_ broken ribs, leg broken in two places, broken wrist, first-degree burns over seven percent of your body, total implant rejection, _both_ lungs punctured – ”

“Fucking hell, just give me the drugs, Alenko.” He watched her swallow the suspension, making sure she could hold it steady.

“I win,” he said, grinning. She punched him weakly on the arm and collapsed back onto her pillows.

“Asshole,” she muttered, pleased. Kaidan hitched his chair closer to the bed, taking her good hand in both of his.

“God, it's so good to hear you say that.” He kissed her fingertips one at a time. Shepard smiled.

“Plenty more where that came from.” Kaidan laughed.

“Looking forward to it.” He leaned his cheek into her palm and she stroked his stubble with her thumb. Even her fingers felt weak, her touch like a feather, no pressure behind it at all. “Jesus, Shepard. I'm so glad you're alive.”

“Me too,” she said. They sat in silence for a long moment, just looking at each other.

“I never thought I was going to see you again,” he said at last.

“Yeah. Me neither. Kaidan... I'm sorry.” He let out a long breath.

“I wasn't gonna bring it up until you were feeling better.”

“I know I promised, I just – couldn't watch you die. I couldn't do it. I had to know you had a chance, that if I did it then maybe you would be okay. And if you stayed – look at me dammit!” She was muzzy and quiet with pain medication, but her eyes were alert, searching his face. “I know I promised we would be together but – we _were_ together, and you got hurt. Hurt bad, Kaidan. You _had_ to get out of there.” Her eyes... “Do you understand? I had to keep you safe, I needed you to be okay so I could keep... so I had someone to fight for.”

“Your eyes, Shepard.”

“What?”

“The implants turned them dark, all orange, but they're blue again.”

“Did you... what?”

“Look, Shepard, I won't pretend I'm not – I won't pretend I wasn't angry. But you're here now, you're alive, you're okay, and so am I. And I'm only here right now because of you. If you had kept your promise? Without that evac, I'd be dead. I would have lasted a couple minutes tops. I know it, and you know it. So I think it's okay. It's really okay.” She pressed her fingers against his cheek as hard as she could, which wasn't very, wishing she could move, unable to sit up and hug him.

“God, Kaidan, I love you _so much.”_ Her voice shook. “I'm so glad you're okay and I can't fucking believe I'm alive and I'm so fucked up on these drugs but – ” she sniffed “ – I love you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, stinging in the cuts.

“Shit,” she muttered. Kaidan wiped her face dry for her, unwilling to relinquish his hold on her hand.

“I love you too, Shepard.” He kissed her carefully, one hand on her neck, feeling her fingers curling in his hair. It was almost like a dream, kissing her again – he half-expected to wake up at any moment. She was struggling to sit up, to press herself against him, her breathing labored.

“Don't try to move.”

“Fuck, I hate this! I've been awake for an hour and I'm already losing my damn mind.” She sank back onto her pillows, eyelids fluttering.

“Are you in pain?”

“No. Whatever the doctor gave me it's...” she yawned, “... working.”

“Go to sleep, love,” Kaidan murmured. “I'll be right here when you wake up.”

“Wait, Kaidan.” Shepard forced her eyes open.

“What's up?”

“How did you know to come? How did you find me?”

“I didn't know. I was sure you were dead, Shepard. We all were. I just couldn't stand the thought of you – your body – floating up there in space, alone, all over again.”

“Oh,” she whispered. She tugged at his hand, eyes closed. Kaidan moved it for her, pressing his fingers to her lips. She kissed him with all her might, trembling with the effort.

“Thank you,” she said. He pulled the blankets up, tucking them securely around her shoulders.

“Of course,” he said, kissing her forehead. Shepard sighed and was asleep in an instant, her face quiet as exhaustion claimed her. Kaidan rose and began clearing away her empty dishes, humming softly to himself.


	3. In which events are momentous

Kaidan ducked out of the med bay and walked straight into Garrus.

“Whoa!”

“Sorry, I didn't see you.” The Turian put a hand on his shoulder.

“You're understandably preoccupied. How's Shepard?”

“Okay. She's sleeping.” Garrus sighed in relief.

“I can't believe we found her.”

“Me neither.” Kaidan headed for the mess and Garrus followed, leaning on the counter and folding his arms as Kaidan rummaged through the cupboards for something to eat.

“She was hurt pretty bad. What's her prognosis?”

“She'll live. Karin made sure of that. I don't think she'll be in the field much anymore though. The burns.”

“Kaidan! How's Shepard?” Liara stood beside Garrus, an armful of reports clutched to her chest.

“Alive. Sleeping,” Garrus said.

“Is she going to make it?”

“Yeah.” Liara closed her eyes, pressing a hand to her chest in relief.

“Her soldiering days are over though, I hear,” the Turian continued.

“She won't like that.

“Shepard will do fine. She did _die_ once. Adapting for a few war wounds should be a cinch.” Liara rubbed her forehead.

“Goddess. I wish...”

“Liara, you couldn't possibly – ”

“Garrus! Any word on – oh, hey Kaidan.” Tali peered around Garrus at him. “How's Shepard?”

“Fine. She's sleeping.”

“Good. She deserves some rest.” Tali looked at Liara, who was staring at the floor. “Hey, you okay?”

“Well – no. I – excuse me.” She hurried toward her office, not waiting for a reply. Tali and Garrus exchanged looks.

“I should talk to her,” Kaidan said, opening a packet of jerky.

“Shepard should talk to her,” said Garrus.

“I doubt she'd listen to anyone else.” Tali shook her head.

“Yeah, you're probably right. Speaking of which, I should get back in there.”

“Does she really need you in the med bay with her while she's sleeping?” Tali asked.

“I said I'd be there when she woke up. Now's not the time to be breaking my promises.” Kaidan shoved an energy bar into his pocket.

“It can't be easy for her, being incapacitated in there like that. Drugged and everything. Not after Cerberus,” Garrus said.

“No, it really isn't, I think.” Kaidan's shoulders slumped.

“You're worried about her,” said Tali.

“I'm always worried about her.

“Does it have to be you who sits with her? I've got some reports to write up for the Primarch, and now that the war's over I could actually catch up on my reading for a change.”

“They don't need me down in Engineering – well, not all the time. It would be good to spend some time with Shepard. Besides, you need to sleep and run the ship now and then, don't you?” Kaidan sighed.

“Yeah. I've been so focused on Shepard, I... I don't even know where we're going.”

“The fleet set up a rendezvous point near the Sol Relay. I had Joker set a course,” said Garrus. “I need to check in with my superiors, and Hackett wanted to talk to Shepard.” Kaidan opened his mouth to object, but Garrus held up a hand.

“I told him we had repairs to make. We're taking our time. Besides, Joker needs a break.”

“We all need shore leave. Christ, I need to get back to Earth. My family...” Kaidan rubbed his forehead with a weary hand. _I really am getting a migraine now,_ he thought.

“We'll have it sorted out soon enough,” Tali said.

“Yeah. You should get back to Shepard, Kaidan. We'll hold the fort til we get where we're going.”

“Thanks, guys.

“Hey, you saved Shepard. As far as I'm concerned, we all owe you.” Tali leaned into the curve of Garrus's arm.

“Dr. Chakwas saved Shepard. We just got lucky.” Kaidan headed for the med bay.

“Let us know when she's up for visitors,” Garrus called after him.

“Will do.”

Shepard was snoring softly, her breathing easy and her face calm as she slept. Kaidan dimmed the lights, relaxing in the dark as the pain in his head receded. He ate as quietly as he could, his mind bouncing from worry to worry. Shepard's injuries, his mom and sisters and nephews, whatever the hell it was Hackett wanted this time, the look on Liara's face... He buried his head in his hands, staring down at the empty wrappers he'd strewn across Dr. Chakwas' desk. _There's nothing I can do about any of that stuff right now,_ he told himself. _I just have to take care of Shepard and wait for orders._ All he wanted to do was turn the ship around and take her home with him.

He could just see her bundled up in afghans on his parents' couch, allowing herself to be bullied into taking her medication, plying Joseph and Robin with war stories til they fought over who got to be Commander Shepard in their games... _If only Dad could have met her. They would have stayed up late drinking and swapping stories every night til I had to drag her to bed. And I don't even know if that house is still standing... Fuck._ Kaidan's throat felt tight. Only the knowledge that he was watching over Shepard kept him from hunting up the doctor's whiskey on his own. _No fair to get drunk without her. Christ, I need something to keep me occupied._

“You all right, Kaidan?” He jumped

“Karin. I didn't hear you come in.”

“I can see that.” Dr. Chakwas bent over Shepard, checking her IV drip and scanning the electrodes on her forehead.

“How is she?”

“Good. Sleep is what she needs most right now. The Cerberus implants seem to be completely nonfunctional – they'll have to be replaced. I don't have the supplies on hand, but these temporary externals seem to be working. The biggest danger right now is pain. Stress will keep her from healing and make everything worse. I want her back in her own quarters as soon as possible – being down here will only trigger her PTSD.” Kaidan nodded, then winced. Dr. Chakwas looked at him sharply.

“Migraine, is it?” She unlocked the med cabinet.

“I should stay awake.”

“You can lie down in the next bed. Keep an eye on her _and_ take these, Major. I'm not going to put you to sleep, although I'm sure you could use it. In any case, I'd like my terminal back.” She put a cup and a few pills by his elbow. Kaidan threw up his hands in surrender and took his medicine.

He dozed fitfully well into the evening. Dr. Chakwas came and went, keeping the lights low as she checked on Shepard and tapped quietly at her terminal. He woke with a start from a dream of chasing his youngest nephew through the rubble of London to find Shepard watching him, cheek pillowed on her good hand.

“Morning,” she said softly. Kaidan yawned.

“Evening, more like.”

“Ah, you're both awake. I have medication for you, Shepard. Are you hungry?” Dr. Chakwas stood by the door. Kaidan sat up and stretched.

“I could eat,” Shepard said.

“Me too."

“I'll see what I can do,” said Dr. Chakwas, and left. Kaidan brought Shepard a cup of water, then had to help her drink it.

“You should take your pain meds.”

“Let me sit _up_ at least.” He didn't bother arguing, but Shepard was panting with pain by the time they got her propped up against her pillows.

“Here.” He passed her the suspension and Shepard grimaced.

“It'll just put me to sleep again.”

“You just slept all afternoon. It'll make you feel better, anyway.” She tried to set the vial down on her bedside table and nearly dropped it when her burns pulled. Kaidan took it from her as she wheezed.

“Shepard, please?” The worry in his voice seemed to penetrate. She nodded and he held the liquid to her lips himself; she drank it down like a sick child, making a face at the taste.

“Fuck, I've never been hurt this bad before. I'm a goddamn invalid. This is bullshit.” He squeezed her hand in sympathy.

“You did get blown up twice. _And_ shot.”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“You'll be feeling better soon. Karin practically mummified you in medi-gel.” Shepard eyed her right arm dubiously. Only her fingertips peeked out of the dressing, which extended nearly to her neck, and her forearm was encased in a heavy splint.

“This arm will never work right again, will it.” It wasn't a question. “The leg either. I can't feel my hand, Kaidan, or anything below my right knee. I'll need half an exoskeleton just to walk on my own, won't I?” Kaidan sighed.

“You should talk to Karin about that. But... probably, yeah.”

“Don't know how the hell I'm gonna be able to work like this.”

“They'll have to promote you this time. I still can't believe you didn't make Captain after the fight against Sovereign.” Shepard rolled her eyes.

“So it's a desk job at Alliance HQ for me, huh?” She scowled.

“Or the Captain's chair on the Normandy, Shepard. You _do_ have a crew to send down on missions, you know. And you're still a Spectre.”

“Much good may it do me.”

“The Council owes us both a permanent spot on payroll even if we spend the rest of our lives on my parents' farm in British Columbia growing apples,” Kaidan said.

“Ooh, they'd like that. Just pay us to go away so they don't have to go to all the trouble of actually ignoring us in person anymore.” She cackled. “Idiots.”

“They did okay this time around.”

“ _Okay?_ If I see that fucking Asari again, I swear to god I'll hit her. How long did she sit on that damn beacon? _Christ.”_

“The Turians came through at least.”

“Yeah. Yeah, they did.” Shepard sighed wearily, but there was color in her cheeks. “This was a rotten war. The Reapers took too much from us.”

“Not was much as you took from them.”

“We, not me. On my own, I couldn't have done a damn thing. I just wish we could have ended it sooner.” He bent to kiss her cheek.

“Me too.”

“Maybe if the fucking Council had been less of a bunch of short-sighted, obstructionist – ” Shepard broke off as the med bay doors opened. Garrus and Tali came in with trays of food, grinning.

“Shepard! I thought you were going to sleep for a week.”

“If I'd known I was gonna get stuck staring at your ugly mug, Vakarian, I might have tried a little harder.” Garrus laughed.

“It's good to see you in fine form, Shepard.”

“You too, Garrus. Hey, didn't you get blown up? How'd that go?”

“Not so bad. Your boyfriend here got the worst of it. The key is moderation.” Garrus worked as he talked, helping Kaidan and Tali pull a table and chairs over to Shepard's bedside, setting out food, water, and a couple of flasks.

“Don't tell the doctor,” Garrus said with a wink, opening the liquor and handing it to Shepard. She took a swig and sighed contentedly.

“Whatever would I do without you?”

“Probably have fewer drug interactions with your pain meds,” Kaidan said, sitting down on her bed and dishing up dinner for her.

“Oh, don't be a buzzkill.”

“You're lucky her legs are all fucked up, otherwise you'd get kicked for that one,” Tali remarked. Shepard grinned.

“Listen to the Quarian."

“Ah, you'd be miserable without me to rag on you, and you know it. The key is moderation.” He set a tray on her lap and handed her a fork. “Got it?” But she was already eating. Tali leaned her elbows on the table.

“How are you doing, Shepard?” she asked.

“Good, I guess,” Shepard replied around a mouthful of potatoes. “Hurt like hell, stuck in a bed, and pumped full of drugs, but aside from that, good. I'm glad to be back here. Even locked in the med bay... I never thought I'd see this ship again, let alone all of you.” She looked around at her friends. Kaidan set down his knife and rubbed her thigh through the blanket.

“Aah, I'm getting sentimental. Christ, I'm glad you're all okay though.”

“Likewise,” said Garrus. Tali nodded vigorously.

“That was a hell of a fight,” she said.

“No kidding,” said Kaidan, cutting Shepard's chicken for her.

“Shepard, maybe you don't want to talk about this now, but... what _happened_ up there?” Tali asked. Shepard waved her fork, chewing.

“No, I'll tell you. Gimme that.” She poked Kaidan and gestured at the flask. Garrus opened the other one, taking a drink himself and settling back in his seat to listen.

“You don't have to do this now,” Kaidan said, handing her the booze.

“I'll talk til the drug interactions knock me out,” she said with a crooked grin. “That'll have to be enough for you busybodies tonight.”

Kaidan had to admit he was interested. He found himself leaning forward as Shepard began her story, pausing now and then for a bite or two of diner. She made quick work of it, her face grim as she recounted the Reaper strike on the Conduit and her stumbling journey through the closed Citadel, in the dark, among the dead. Kaidan pressed her shin as she recounted the confrontation with the Illusive Man and Anderson's death. She paused for a drink there, eating something to give her throat time to open up again before she went on. She seemed at a loss to describe the Catalyst, saying only that it had been alive and ancient, appearing to her as a human child, which it obviously wasn't. She repeated some of what it said. Kaidan listened with dawning horror as she explained the choice it had given her.

“My god, Shepard.” She took another drink, not meeting his eyes.

“I didn't know what else to do. Destroying the Reapers seemed like the only option.”

“Of course it was the only option! Synthesis?” Garrus shook his head at the enormity of it.

“Or the Illusive Man's plan? No way, Shepard. You made the right choice,” Tali said.

“Doubt Joker thinks so.”

“EDI was ready to die to defeat the Reapers. That's what I said to Joker, and he agreed. I didn't know her well, but I know that. She gave her life to save the galaxy, just like you did, or would have done.” Shepard rubbed her face with a weary hand.

“She was a good friend,” she said softly. Tali looked at the table, clearly biting her tongue. Garrus wrapped a hand around hers in silent thanks.

“She was a valued member of the crew. She'll be missed,” he said.

“She _is_ missed,” said Kaidan. He had never trusted EDI, or seen her as the life form Shepard insisted she was. He'd done his best to keep clear of her, wary of the mech that had nearly killed him on Mars, regardless of what code controlled it. But now wasn't the time to argue metaphysics, and Shepard had held EDI in high esteem and clearly regretted her destruction. He rubbed her leg. He couldn't understand being friends with an AI, but he could understand mourning for someone.

“Besides, what choice did you have?” Garrus leaned on the table, looking Shepard in the eye. “Your only other options were to let the Reapers continue to exist while you got turned into who _knows_ what, or to turn every creature in the galaxy into a cyborg. Who's to say that you would have been able to protect us if you became the Catalyst? Maybe you would have just gotten sucked into their pattern. And turning everyone into a machine?” He shuddered.

“I _couldn't,”_ Shepard said.

“Of course not. It would have been horrible.” She nodded.

“I had no right.”

“No single person has that right,” Tali said.

“Yeah.” Shepard took a long pull of her drink, tipping her head back.

“Don't get too drunk, love, or you really will pass out.”

“Yes, Dr. Alenko.” She rolled her eyes, but passed him the half-full flask. Kaidan had some himself. It was Scotch – not bad, either.

“Where'd you get this?”

“Adams gave it to me. Asked if I was seeing the Commander anytime soon, and I said I damn well hoped so, and he told me to bring you some, Shepard.” She smiled a little.

“I knew I liked Adams for a reason.”

“To our Chief Engineer,” Kaidan said, passing Shepard her water and raising the flask.

“Hear hear,” Garrus said. They drank.

“What – ” Shepard yawned cavernously. “What about you guys, though? What did I miss while I was saving the world?” She yawned again. “ _Damn_ it.” Kaidan smiled to himself, valiantly not saying I told you so.

“I see you there, Alenko.” She smacked him lightly on the arm.

“We'll let you rest. Plenty of time to fill you in on what happened tomorrow,” Tali said, rising.

“Well, you know where to find me.” Garrus chuckled.

“See you later, Shepard.”

“See you.”

“Bye Shepard.” Kaidan shoved the table back into the corner as Tali and Garrus filed out. Shepard rested against her pillows, watching him with sleepy eyes. She patted the bed beside her.

“C'mere.” Kaidan sat gingerly, not wanting to jostle her, but she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. She sighed happily as their lips met, tangling her fingers in his hair. Heat flooded Kaidan's body as she bit his lower lip. He kissed her hungrily, cupping her face in his hands and stroking her neck with his fingertips. Shepard moaned softly and he drew back.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Not even a little.” She tugged at his collar, her eyes warm. Kaidan kissed her smiling mouth, delighting in her nearness. He leaned his forehead against hers as she caught her breath.

“You should get some sleep,” he murmured.

“I don't _want_ to sleep, dammit.” She yawned in spite of herself. He looked down at her, laughing.

“Fuck _me,_ I hate these damn drugs. I want to spend some time with you, Kaidan.” She fiddled with his collar. He took her hand, kissing her palm just to see the way it made her eyelashes flutter.

“I'm not going anywhere, love.” He kissed her thumb, the inside of her wrist, then her palm again.

“Well, neither am I.” He grinned.

“You'll be out of the med bay soon, Shepard. Dr. Chakwas wants you back in your quarters ASAP.”

“And out of her hair, huh?”

“No. I think Karin just knows you really hate it down here.”

“That's perceptive of her.”

“Oh, Shepard.”

“Sorry. She's right though. I hate being stuck here on a fucking _slab_ like this. I can't even get up and walk around. Christ. It'll be good to get back to quarters. At least up there I have fish to watch.” He squeezed her hand.

“Let me help you lie down.” Shepard grimaced, but nodded. Settling her was much easier with the pain meds in her system; Kaidan made a mental note to make her take them right away the next time she woke up. He adjusted a pillow for her and pulled the blankets up over her chest, kissing her forehead. She rested her hand on the back of his neck, not releasing him until she'd kissed him thoroughly. Kaidan sat on the bed again, holding her hand in both of his. Shepard gazed up at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

“What happened, Kaidan? While I was gone?”

“I briefed you, didn't I?”

“I must have been high on the pain meds. I can't remember.” He rubbed her knuckles with a gentle thumb.

“Okay, I'll give you the short version. The Crucible detonation brought us down somewhere in South America, I think. We lost a few people in the battle, and more in the crash – Riley, Cho, Heimisdottir... Fucking Reapers.” His mouth twisted. It was her turn to squeeze his hand.

“We were down for a few hours. We had some repairs to make before we could get off the ground again. Joker and the Engineering team really came through for us. They'd all lost people, EDI, Wang, Michaels – good friends, but they put it all aside to get us back in the sky. I need to issue some formal commendations when we get to the fleet rendezvous point.” Shepard nodded.

“I wanted to get up to the Citadel right away to look for, well, your body. The others tried to talk me out of it, everyone figured you'd been vaporized when the Crucible went off. I uh, I told them about the PTSD, Shepard. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd survive to yell at me about it.” He searched her face anxiously. He'd never actually named the PTSD as such in her presence, he realized. But Shepard didn't argue.

“You don't need to explain, Kaidan. You thought I was dead. I understand. You did what you had to do. I'm just glad you found me at all. If you hadn't come, I would have died up there.” Her face darkened. “Bad way to go.” Kaidan sighed, relieved.

“Liara was pretty upset to learn the truth about what Cerberus did.”

“Yeah. I'll talk to her.” She looked away. “It wasn't her fault. I'm not angry at her at all. Guess I just need to tell her that.”

“I think she's pretty angry at herself.” Shepard met his eyes.

“She was right to do it, Kaidan. I'm not saying I'm glad it happened, but it was the right call.”

“I guess I just wish there had been another way.”

“I wish the Collectors had never hit us in the first place.”

“I wish that too, every damn day.” They sat in silence for a moment, staring down at their hands clasped on the blanket.

“You got hurt down in London,” Shepard said finally. “How are you doing?”

“The explosion got me good. Burns all down my side, and it messed my leg up some. I've got a dressing – ” he pulled up his shirt to show her the pads on his ribs “ – and another one on my thigh, if you want me to take my pants off.” She grinned wickedly.

“If I could move, I swear, Kaidan...” She trailed off. He bent to kiss her, relishing the heat of her mouth on his. She slid her fingers up his thigh. He caught her wrist, laughing.

“You're getting ahead of yourself.”

“What can I say? I'm an ambitious woman.”

“Yes you are.” He kissed her again. “Soon,” he murmured.

“I'm gonna hold you to that.”

“Okay.” Shepard was smiling, her eyes dropping shut.

“Sleep well, love.” Kaidan tucked her in. Her only answer was a sigh. He got up to turn of the lights and undressed carefully in the dark.

 

~~~

 

They reached the rendezvous point the next morning. Garrus and Tali coordinated with the rest of the fleet, as Dr. Chakwas insisted on changing Kaidan's bandages first thing in the morning. His wounds cleaned and dressed with fresh medi-gel, he perched on a stool while Dr. Chakwas and Nurse Huerta worked on Shepard. It was the first time she had gotten a good look at her own wounds. She said nothing, but clenched her jaw at the sight of white bone gleaming on her shin and forearm. Much of her right calf had been blown away, and there was a deep crater in her lower thigh. Her arm appeared withered, just a thin layer of flesh clinging to a spindle of bone. What remained of the tendons in her right hand were clearly visible, and she had lost her little finger, Kaidan saw with a jolt. She stared at the lifeless claw in silence until the doctor wrapped it up again, snapping the splint into place around her broken wrist.

“I'm going to talk to Alliance Medical about these injuries, Shepard. I don't have the equipment here, but in addition to having your implants replaced, you're going to need tissue regeneration therapy. It will take some time, but you may eventually get the use of your hand back. In the meantime, exoprostheses will allow for normal levels of functionality.”

“Well, I guess I'm already a cyborg. What difference does a little more hardware make?” Shepard lay back as Dr. Chakwas rebandaged her thigh and replaced the splints on her leg.

“That's the spirit. I think we can take the brace off your left knee. You'll be in a wheelchair for a little while yet.” Shepard grimaced.

“Kaidan.” Garrus' voice crackled over the comm. “Admiral Hackett is requesting permission to come aboard.” Kaidan glanced at Shepard.

“Don't look at me, I'm on a medical hold.”

“Permission granted. I'll go meet him at the airlock.”

“He's just heading down to the med bay. He says this isn't a formal call. Stay where you are.”

“Okay then.” Garrus signed off.

“He probably just wants proof that the Commander really _is_ alive and the whole crew of the Normandy hasn't gone collectively mad,” Dr. Chakwas said.

“You'd have wasted an awful lot of medi-gel on a hallucination,” Shepard said dryly.

“Indeed. You're much too difficult a patient to be a figment of my imagination, Commander.”

“Thanks.” Shepard leaned back in bed.

“You're certainly real enough for me. Where else did all of Adams' Scotch go, if not into you?” Kaidan said, sitting on the edge of her bed.

“How _much_ Scotch?” Dr. Chakwas asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not enough,” Shepard replied.

“So only half the bottle?”

“ _How_ much longer do I have to spend down here?” Kaidan laughed, resting a hand on her leg. Shepard smiled at him.

“Mind the Admiral, you two. I believe you're breaking five or six regulations right now.”

“Oh, I'm medically incompetent to serve.” Shepard flapped a hand. Dr. Chakwas shook her head. Kaidan caught her hand and kissed it.

“The hell with the regs. We're both Spectres, anyway. Besides, Shepard just saved the galaxy.”

“ _We_ just saved the galaxy.”

“Well then, I think the saviors of the galaxy can be with whoever they like.” He scooted closer to Shepard, putting his hand on her waist and leaning in for a quick kiss.

“Commander. Major,” said Admiral Hackett from the doorway. Kaidan shut his eyes, laughing to himself.

“Admiral,” Shepard said, grinning. Kaidan rose and saluted.

“Sir.”

“I'd get up or salute or something, but uh...” She eyed her bandages.

“Stay where you are, please. Have a seat, Major. This isn't a formal call.” Hackett crossed the med bay, pulling the stool Kaidan had been using over to sit by the bed. He took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. Kaidan settled himself on the bed again, resting a hand somewhat defiantly on Shepard's leg. She winked at him, making him smile.

“I'm glad to see you two in one piece,” the Admiral said.

“Likewise, sir.” He nodded to Shepard in acknowledgment.

“As I said, this isn't a formal meeting. I wanted to debrief, get an idea of what happened before the politicians descend. And I wanted to thank you personally, Shepard. I don't know what you did, or how, but you saved us all. Without you, the Reapers would have exterminated us. You saved Earth. You saved humanity. You saved the entire galaxy. Thank you, Shepard. The galactic community owes you more than we can possibly repay.”

“It wasn't just me, sir. Without – ”

“Shepard, for once in your damn life, stop arguing.” She blinked, opened her mouth, and shut it again.

“I'm honored, sir. All I wanted was to do my duty.”

“And you succeeded admirably. We are all forever in your debt. You've got a lot of medals headed your way, Shepard, not to mention a promotion. We'll do it formally later, but for now, let me say congratulations, Captain.” Hackett shook her left hand firmly.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Major Alenko, the Alliance owes you a debt of gratitude as well. I understand that in addition to your valiant service in London, you are the only reason the Captain is still alive.”

“Well, Dr. Chakwas helped, sir.” Hackett raised an eyebrow.

“I ordered and led the mission to find Shepard on the Citadel after the Crucible detonated, sir, yes.”

“What made you go up there, Major?”

“We all believed the Commander – Captain was dead, sir. I wanted to honor her with a decent burial this time. When we got there, she was still alive. We got her medical attnetion as fast as we could, and she pulled through, thanks to our medical team.” Shepard squeezed his hand and Kaidan held on tight. He had woken in a cold sweat that morning from a dream of carrying her lifeless body back to the Normandy.

“Good work, Alenko. I'm not Alliance Army, but you'll be a Colonel at least if I get my way, which I damn well better.” Kaidan's mind went momentarily blank with surprise.

“Uh. Thank you sir.”

“Captain, are you up for a debriefing now? I don't want to compromise your health, but I'd like to hear this straight from you, if possible.”

“Yes sir.”

“Just tell me what happened on the Citadel. You'll both need to submit full reports on the battle, but that can wait.”

Shepard launched into the story again. Her eyes were dark but her voice was steady, and she gave Hackett all the details, not mincing words. Again she recounted her journey through the Citadel, killing the Illusive Man, and Admiral Anderson's demise.

“Ah, so that's what happened. As soon as we heard that you'd been found, I sent a team over to retrieve what they could. There wasn't much, but we did find the Illusive Man and the Admiral. And Keepers, amazingly enough. Most of them seem to still be functioning.”

“Yes sir. We encountered one on our mission,” said Kaidan.

“I saw one as well,” said Shepard.

“Anderson has received a burial with full military honors. I'm sorry you were unable to attend, Captain, but you had more pressing problems. We're looking into the Illusive Man's identity as well. I for one am _very_ interested in the results of that investigation.”

“Can I be kept in the loop on that, sir?”

“Certainly, Captain.” Hackett gestured for her to continue. He listened intently to her account of her encounter with the Catalyst, asking no questions except to request further details of what it had said to her. When she laid out the choices it had offered her, the Admiral sat back, shocked.

“And you chose to destroy the Reapers, I gather,” he said.

“Yes sir. It was the only option I felt I could take. I had no guarantee that seizing control of the Reapers would destroy their cycle, and no right to turn every creature in the galaxy into a machine, sir.”

“You made the right call, Shepard. I'm just glad you where the one who made it up there. Anderson tapped you for this mission for a reason – you were the only one he trusted to get it done right. He was a wise man.”

“Yes sir. I wish I could have saved him.” She looked down at her hand, clasped in Kaidan's on her lap.

“His death wasn't your fault. The Reapers gave the Illusive Man power beyond that of any ordinary person. He was their vessel. No human could resist a direct onslaught of Reaper control like that.”

“I should have been able to do it, sir. But instead I _shot_ him.” She clenched her jaw.

“He didn't blame you, and neither do I. A lesser person might have shot him in the head. You did better than anyone else could have, Shepard, and it was enough. We won because of you. Anderson gave his life proudly to secure this victory, just like you nearly gave yours.” Hackett leaned forward. “Look at me, Captain. The Reapers killed Anderson, just like they killed Cortez and every other comrade we lost in this war. You are not responsible for their deaths. What you did on the Citadel honored their memories more than any speech I could give or any monument the Alliance could build. A commander can't blame herself for the casualties of war. She must celebrate the soldiers who gave their lives to defend their people.” Shepard let out a long breath.

“Yes sir. Thank you, sir.”

“I have to say, Shepard, I never expected to see you alive again. It's a load off my heart to have you sitting here in front of me.” She ducked her head, embarrassed.

“I didn't expect to survive either, sir. I don't think any of us did.” Kaidan rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

“I'm glad you proved us all wrong. I gather your injuries are severe, however. How are you holding up?” Shepard grimaced.

“Fine, except for being stuck in this bed.”

“The Destiny Ascension has the most advanced medical technology available in the fleet. The Council has offered the services of their doctors to the entire crew of the Normandy. They have implants and prosthetic technology you may find useful, in addition to tissue regeneration equipment not widely available outside Asari space.”

“Dr. Chakwas mentioned that. I think she was going to coordinate directly with Alliance Medical, sir.”

“I'll be on the Destiny Ascension to see the Council later today. I'll set it up personally,” Hackett said.

“Thank you sir.”

“It's the least I can do, Shepard.” Hackett braced his hands on his knees, smiling faintly. “You two make quite a pair, you know. Heroes of the Reaper War, the first two human Spectres... It's nice to see at least one good thing has come out of all this. There's been too much loss.” Shepard quirked a brow at Kaidan, smiling faintly. He smiled back, amused.

“Thank you sir. I think,” Shepard said. Hackett chuckled.

“I meant it well, Shepard. If you'll permit an old man a touch of sentiment, I have to say I'm glad to see you two together. You've been through hell, but you're young still. Old soldiers, maybe, but not as old as some. You've got so much time ahead of you now that this is all over. Make good use of it.”

“Yes sir,” Kaidan said, but he gazed at Shepard as he said it. The look in her eyes made his chest tight.

“There'll be an official ceremony in a day or two to finalize promotions and hand out a few medals and so forth, if you're up to it. Then I'm placing you both on medical leave. I imagine you want to get back to Earth as soon as possible, Major.”

“Yes sir,” Kaidan said, glancing at Shepard. She squeezed his hand. Hackett gave them an indulgent look.

“Right. I have work to do and you need to rest and eat. Thanks again, both of you. Captain. Major.”

“Sir.” Hackett left. Kaidan and Shepard found themselves staring at each other.

“Earth, huh?” she said. He found himself blushing. _Goddamn it._

“Yeah. I need to go see my family. I hoped you would come with me.” He looked down at their clasped hands, unaccountably nervous. “Will you, Shepard?” She disentangled her fingers from his and reached out, tilting his chin up to make him look at her.

“Of course I will,” she said softly, her face shining. Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say, so he kissed her instead. When they finally parted, Shepard leaned her cheek into his palm with a happy sigh, her eyes still closed. He stroked her brow.

“So, Captain Shepard, huh?”

“I like the sound of that, Colonel.”

“That hasn't even happened yet.”

“I'd like to see anyone try to tell Hackett no today.”

“I don't even know what I'd do with the added rank.”

“Expand Biotics Division?”

“I don't want to worry about that now. I just want to get us home.”

“Home...” she murmured, far away. “I haven't had one since... it's been a long time.”

“We'll make one together,” he said. Shepard smiled.

“Is that a proposal?” she asked, eyes dancing.

“I can't tell if you're teasing or not.”

“Which would you prefer?” She was still smiling, but her eyes were intent. Kaidan sobered, his heart pounding.

“Honestly, Shepard... not.”

“Really?” Her mouth was dry.

“Really.” He clasped her hand tight in both of his to keep from trembling, watching her expression shift from surprise, to confusion, to a slow, startled joy. _I never thought it would be like this, but..._ It was strange to be ready for it. “Jane Shepard, will you marry me?” He couldn't believe his voice was so steady.

“Yeah, Kaidan. Yeah, I will.” She was struggling to keep her smile from tearing her stitches. Kaidan felt himself laughing and kissed her, tears burning in his eyes.

“I'm so glad, Shepard. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” She rubbed his nose with hers. “I'm not usually this rash, but...”

“ _You're_ not rash? _You._ ”

“Okay, okay. Maybe a little.”

“A _little?_ Okay, I know what you mean. If you had asked me a year ago if a few months with someone would be enough time to propose...”

“We've known each other a long time, Kaidan.”

“Yeah. And I guess losing you, and then when we thought... It put some things into perspective for me. Hindsight. You know.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” She touched his cheek.

“Just one thing. No more impossible promises, okay?”

“Okay. I just promise to love you.”

“That's good enough for me.” They kissed again.

“When should we do this? Where? I guess you want to get back to Earth first, huh.”

“I – hmm.” Kaidan scratched his stubble – more of a beard by now, really. _I need to shave..._ But his mind was on Shepard's question. “I do want my mom and sisters there. But if we do it here, the Alliance will have a record of it. And we're not going to have rings here – do you want to do rings?” She thought for a moment.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. We won't have rings or a real reception or anything, nobody has the time or supplies to set it up. What if we did something quick here, just the paperwork and stuff, and then had a real wedding back in Canada?”

“I am _not_ wearing a white dress.” Kaidan burst out laughing at the image of Shepard in a bridal veil.

“Oh I can just see you – with puffy sleeves and – and _lilies_ – ”

“Christ,” she muttered.

“God, no. Let's just do it in uniform. Even mom won't be able to complain about that.”

“We should get Hackett to officiate here. He'd love that.”

“Yeah, he would. We could do it by the memorial wall – Christ, I wonder if your name is still up there.”

“If they ever let me out of this damn bed I'll take it down myself. And I thought we weren't doing a real wedding out here. God, that's weird to say. Wedding. But can't we just do it in Hackett's office?”

“Shepard, are you _nervous?”_ She flushed slowly under his stare. “Oh my god, that is _so_ cute.” Shepard glared at him, red-faced. “I'm sorry love, I shouldn't laugh at you.” He kissed her, contrite. She wrapped her arm around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.

“I'm just tired of being under the damn microscope all the time. Besides, if we have a real wedding, what about our wedding _night?_ I can barely even _move._ ”

“Oh, sweetheart. Of course we can just do it privately if you want to. I'm sorry. I thought it might cheer everybody up is all. Most of the crew won't be able to make the real wedding – that _is_ weird to say – but I'm sure Garrus is headed for Palaven any day now, and Liara will want to get back to Asari space. Tali has work to do on Rannoch...” Shepard sighed.

“You're right. I'm just... tired.”

“I know.” He rubbed her shoulder. “I'm sorry I mentioned it.”

“No, maybe you're right. Let me think about it, okay?”

“Of course. And, Shepard, don't worry about our wedding night. It'll happen when we're both up to it. I mean, I'm mobile enough, but I wouldn't want to do anything too strenuous yet anyway. We can lie around like invalids together if that's all we can handle.” She chuckled.

“Okay.” He kissed her forehead.

“God, Shepard, we're getting _married._ ”

“I know! We're a couple of fucking lunatics.”

“Thank god I found you then,” he said, and kissed her.


	4. In which we really start to heal, and get laid

They were on the Destiny Ascension by lunchtime. Kaidan limped into their med bay and walked out a few hours later, thoroughly impressed with Asari medical technology. Shepard came in on a stretcher and argued her way into a wheelchair on the way out – the doctors had wanted to keep her on the ship overnight, but she insisted on sleeping in her own goddamned bed for a change. Eventually even the Matriarch who ran Division 2 of the Medical Corps had to capitulate.

“I'll see you this time tomorrow, Captain,” she ordered, hands on hips.

“Yes'm,” Shepard said, trying and failing to keep a grin off her face.

“Hmph.”

Kaidan wheeled her out, relishing his new freedom of movement. He wore only light bandages over the fragile new skin on his side and leg. Shepard was still in splints – the Asari had been unable to fully heal her broken bones, and the deep wounds on her body were still open, although their depth and severity was much reduced. She'd been instructed to return in 48 hours for another round of therapy; the doctors were optimistic that they'd be able to have her flesh wounds largely healed in one or two more sessions.

“There is no way for us to fully replace the muscle that was destroyed, or entirely regenerate the damaged nerves,” the supervising doctor had told her. “You will regain sensation in your arm and leg in time, and you should be walking with an exoprosthetic fairly soon. We have a model here to support broken legs. The wrist will need to heal before you can bend it, though. We'll fit you with neural interface implants to control the prostheses in a few days.” Shepard didn't relish the idea of more implants – having the Cerberus tech replaced had been more than enough for her – but she wanted the use of her limbs again. As it stood, she could sit up on her own, and her arm, while bandaged to the shoulder, was in a light splint and could be worn in a sling. The topical painkillers on the Destiny Ascension had proven very effective on humans, to her immense satisfaction.

When Kaidan wheeled her through the airlock and onto the bridge, a murmur ran through the crew on deck. People rose and saluted as they passed, offering greetings and good wishes to their commander. They had to pause every few feet so Shepard could exchange a few words or clasp a hand. Kaidan watched her thank each member of the bridge crew for their service, apologizing over and over for being unable to return their salutes. He hadn't realized how much attention Shepard payed to the people under her command – she seemed so closed-off and aloof at times that it was easy to forget her powers of observation. She knew who had lost a friend or colleague in the battle and asked after her people's families, offering condolences with genuine sorrow in her voice. Kaidan had seen her stop for a quick drink or a hand of poker with a few crewmen now and then, always cracking jokes to put her subordinates at ease, but he'd never fully grasped how much she cared about them all. He hadn't thought it would be possible to respect her more. At last they made it to the elevator.

“Let's see about that Memorial Wall,” she said.

Her name was still there. They paused in silence for a long moment, reading the names of the dead. Shepard reached up to brush EDI's plaque with her fingertips, and ran a slow hand over Cortez's name. Kaidan waited, clamping down hard on his own grief. Cortez had been a friend, and a fun man to flirt with over a drink or two in the mess from time to time. At last Shepard cleared her throat.

“I'm down at the bottom, huh? I see which way the wind is blowing around  _here,_ ” she joked, her voice rough. She couldn't get it off the wall one-handed; Kaidan had to help her.

“What should we do with it?” She stared down at the plaque in her hands. Kaidan took it and a wave of deja vu swept over him. He put his hand on her shoulder. Shepard looked up at him.

“You okay?”

“It's just, the last time I had this in my hands... and now here I am again, with you, taking it down a few days later. You're still a ghost, Shepard.”

“Well, this ghost loves you. I'll do my best never to disappear on you again.” She took his hand off her shoulder and kissed it.

“Thanks, Shepard.” He bent down for a real kiss.

“Whoops, I'm interrupting.” Garrus was standing in the elevator, amused.

“Not at all.” Kaidan turned Shepard's chair around for her.

“Good to see you up and about, Shepard. Well, more or less.” They clasped arms warmly.

“It's good to  _be_ up and about. I'll take what I can get here. At least I'm out of the damn med bay, right?”

“No kidding. Hey, congratulations on the promotion, Captain.”

“How'd you hear about that? Hackett just told me this morning.”

“We have the Shadow Broker on board, remember?” Shepard's smile faded.

“I need to see her,” she said.

“She was in her office, if you want to go now.”

“Maybe. Thanks, Garrus.”

“Sure. I have to go – the Primarch wants to debrief me or something. I'll see you later. Drinks are on me.”

“I'll hold you to that.” Garrus headed for his quarters with a cheery salute.

“Did you want to see Liara now?” Kaidan asked quietly. Shepard sighed.

“I should give her some warning. Let's just get back up to my quarters. I bet you went through all my stuff.”

“We put most of it back,” he joked, wheeling her into the elevator.

“Thanks,” she said dryly.

They had put everything back, as it happened. It took Kaidan a little while to get Shepard settled – she had to be helped to the bathroom and then ensconced in bed with her medication and terminal within easy reach. He brought her the book she'd been reading and a few reports that the officers had filed since the battle before settling himself beside her on the mattress. Her warmth nestled in the curve of his arm felt like a miracle. He kissed her hair and Shepard sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“Let's just stay here forever,” Kaidan murmured.

“Sounds good.” She nuzzled his neck.

“I still can't believe we're engaged.” She kissed him in answer. Kaidan cupped her face in his hand and looked down at her, his chest tight with happiness. “Thanks for doing this with me, Shepard.”

“It'll be fun,” she said with a grin, and kissed him again.

 

~~~

 

Shepard leaned back against the headboard and stared up at the stars. It was good to be out of the med bay, away from the glare of the fluorescent lights and the comings and goings of the medical team. She felt calmer than she had since before London, more relaxed, her shoulders finally loose and comfortable instead of tight with constant tension. She rolled her head around her shoulders gingerly, working out the kinks. Kaidan had excused himself after a few more kisses to go try to raise his family on the comm and then get some work done, promising to be back for dinner. Shepard grinned. _I have a fiance. How the hell did that happen?_ She shook her head at her own foolishness. _God, I'm dying to meet his family._ She regretted that she'd never get the chance to introduce herself to his father. From Kaidan's stories, he sounded like a man she'd have liked to know. _This damn war..._ She sobered. It was time to take care of some business of her own. She dialed into her comm panel, punching in Liara's extension.

“Liara, it's Shepard. Is this a bad time?”

“Shepard! It's good to hear your voice.”

“Do you have a moment to come up and talk? I'm in my quarters.”

“Of course. I'll be there shortly.”

“The door's open. I'll see you soon.”

“All right. Bye, Shepard.” Liara signed off. Shepard settled back against her pillow and waited. A few minutes later, the door hissed open of its own accord. Liara hesitated on the threshold, twisting her empty hands together anxiously.

“Please come in. Pull up a chair.” Liara crossed the room, dragging a chair over to Shepard's bedside, but she didn't sit down. She looked Shepard over, her eyes filling with tears.

“Shepard, I just want to say, I am _so_ sorry.” Her voice shook.

“Liara – ”

“Please, let me finish.” She gripped the back of the chair, her knuckles white. “When I gave you to Cerberus, I had no idea what the effect of their... work... would be on you. I hoped you would remember nothing, and that if they could bring you back then you would just wake up and be all right. That was stupid, I was so naïve. What's more, I was selfish and negligent – I wanted you back so badly, I missed you so much... And I thought you were our only chance against the Reapers.” Tears rolled down Liara's cheeks. “I am _so sorry_ , Shepard.” She stared down at her hands.

“Liara, _please_ sit down,” Shepard begged. The Asari settled herself slowly at the bedside, looking at Shepard through a haze of tears. Shepard reached out and clasped Liara's hand in hers.

“It wasn't your fault. You weren't the one who hurt me – that was the Illusive Man and his people. Like you said, you didn't _know._ But it doesn't matter: I think you did the right thing. Who knows what would have happened if you hadn't handed me over to them? A few nightmares are a small price to pay for this victory.”

“Oh Shepard, of course you'd say that. But I should have found another way. You must be in so much pain, and it's _my fault!_ I'm the _Shadow Broker,_ by the Goddess. It's my job to know everything!” She hung her head. “You were my bondmate, Jane. It was my job to keep you safe.” Shepard's heart ached.

“There was nothing else you could have done, Liara. You had no choice.”

“But there was! There _must_ have been. I wish – oh, I wish I had never left you on the Normandy that day. I should have stayed with you, Shepard. I should have been there!” Liara's voice broke. She pressed Shepard's hand to her forehead, shoulders shaking.

“Oh no, Liara, no.” Shepard's throat felt tight; she had to take a breath before going on. “If you had stayed on the ship with me, we would both have died. You couldn't have saved me. Nobody could have done anything. It was over the moment the Collectors hit us. A captain always goes down with her ship, remember?”

“What? That's a lie and you know it. And of course I'm making you console me when _you're_ the one _I_ hurt. Don't try to make me feel better about this, Jane. I don't deserve it.”

“Liara, don't talk like that! You did – dammit, _please_ look at me – you didn't do _anything_ wrong. You did _exactly_ what you should have done. I wish it had been easier, but I _don't_ regret being brought back. Okay?” Shepard searched Liara's face for some sign of understanding. “You couldn't have saved me.”

“Goddess, Jane, I'm just so _sorry._ You've been suffering so much, for so long, and I never – why didn't you _tell_ me?” Liara wailed.

“Come here, love.” Shepard held out her good arm for a hug. Liara wrapped her arms around her ex-lover, burying her face in Shepard's shoulder as she wept. Shepard rubbed her back, talking softly.

“It's okay, really it is. I'm glad, mostly. I'm so happy I get to be here. I'm safe now, Liara, thanks to you. You couldn't have saved me from Cerberus. The only choices available to me – you – it was them or me staying dead. And after everything that's happened, Liara, _I choose them._ I'm just sorry I never told you what was going on. I... didn't have the heart. But I've never blamed you for any of it.” Liara drew back, startled.

“So – you didn't end it between us because you were angry with me?”

“No. It's just, I knew that when we were together you would see... everything that was in my head. All the pain, the ugliness. I couldn't do it, Liara. I couldn't stand for you to have to experience any part of it.”

“But _Jane_ – ” Liara reached up to touch her cheek, then drew back. “I'm sorry. I...” She looked away.

“It's okay. Listen, Liara. What we had was so beautiful. I'll always treasure the time we spent together. I guess, with the Reaper War... watching Earth fall, it changed things for me.”

“You wanted another human.”

“It's not that simple. Mars, seeing Kaidan again, the whole situation was... difficult. I couldn't have you in my head. I know it's not like that, but – I guess I was afraid. And it had been so _long,_ Liara. What if I was different? I wanted to protect you from what Cerberus had done to me. I knew how much it would hurt you to learn the whole truth about them.”

“And now here I am, proving you right.” Liara wiped her cheeks.

“Look, please don't torture yourself about Cerberus. I'm gonna be okay, and _that_ is thanks to you. I'd never have had the chance to get better if my life had ended for good when the Collectors destroyed the Normandy. I owe you, Liara.”

“No Jane, you owe me _nothing.”_ Shepard opened her mouth to argue, but Liara cut her off. “If you insist on paying me back, please, just be happy. Find peace and healing, Jane Shepard. That's all I ever wanted for you.” Shepard took her hand and squeezed it.

“I'll do my best.” Liara nodded, wiping her nose.

“You will always have my love, and my friendship, if you want it.”

“So will you, Liara. And thank you.” Liara gave her a small, watery smile.

“Jane, I understand congratulations are in order.”

“Oh, the promotion's not official yet.”

“No, I mean about your engagement.” Shepard's mouth dropped open.

“How do you _know_ about that?”

“I bumped into Kaidan on my way up here.” Liara's smile widened. “He was _singing._ I got the truth out of him.” Shepard covered her eyes with her hand, more amused than exasperated.

“That asshole!”

“That's quite a pet name.”

“Apt, though.”

“Perhaps. I _am_ glad for you, Jane. Really, I am.”

“It's good to hear you say that, Liara. Thank you.”

“Have you set a date yet?”

“We were just going to do the paperwork before we left, since half the government is here anyway.” Liara shook her head.

“You never waste a minute, do you. Well, I'm glad I'll be able to make it to the celebration after all.”

“I'd be honored to have you there.” Liara pressed her hand and rose with a sigh.

“Just let me know the details. But I should let you rest. Thank you for seeing me, Shepard.”

“Thanks for talking. I've missed you, Liara.”

“I've missed you too. Let's keep in touch.” Shepard grinned. “I'll see you later.”

“It was good to see you.” The Asari smiled. She paused in the doorway, turning.

“Jane... I also treasure the time I had with you. You are an extraordinary woman. I'm so glad to know you.” Shepard's chest felt tight.

“You too, Liara.” She watched the door shut with a whisper behind her ex-bondmate. Shepard shut her eyes for a moment, then shook herself and picked up her stack of unread reports.

 

~~~

 

Kaidan interrupted her a few hours later, as promised. He turned up with dinner for the both of them, more reports for Shepard, and a heap of his own work.

“How was your afternoon, love?” he asked, dumping his datapads on the bed and giving Shepard a kiss.

“Productive. I saw Liara.”

“Yeah, I bumped into her when she was on her way up here.”

“And told her everything, I gather.” Shepard raised an eyebrow. Kaidan laughed, blushing.

“She guessed, actually. I wasn't gonna lie to her. Is that okay?”

“Sure, it saved me the trouble of telling her. I'd been worried about that. Just – what were you _singing,_ a wedding march?” Kaidan ducked his head, embarrassed but unrepentant.

“It's a classical tune. I'll play it for you sometime.”

“I didn't know you were a music history nerd.”

“Only a little one. Mid- to late 20th century stuff, mostly. Some early 21st, but I can't find much music I like after the 2020s. But anyway, how did it go?”

“It went okay, I think. She seemed better when she left.”

“Glad to hear it. I was worried about her, but I didn't feel like there was anything I could do. I'm glad you guys talked.”

“Me too. Hey, how about some dinner?”

They ate in bed together, sitting on top of Shepard's comforter. The Normandy was down to standard rations, the real food having run out the day before, but Shepard didn't care. Just sitting up was hungry work for her wounded body. Kaidan cleared away their dishes while she sorted out their datapads from the jumbled heap they'd made at the foot of the bed.

“Doing your report on London?” she asked, glancing at the top of Kaidan's pile.

“Yeah. I brought the forms up for yours, they should be in there somewhere.”

“Thanks, babe. Aha.” She leaned back on her pillow and scrolled through a casualty list, her mouth a grim line as she read through the names of her lost crewmen one more time. Kaidan came to sit beside her, rubbing his bare foot against hers and settling down to work. It was an hour or two before Shepard asked him to help her get ready for bed. He helped her to the bathroom and back, then left her in bed while he brushed his teeth. Shepard busied herself piling their datapads on the bedside table.

“Did you get a chance to talk to Joker yet?” She looked up. Kaidan leaned in the bathroom doorway, hands in the pockets of his sweats.

“I buzzed him on the comm this afternoon. I wish I could just go down there, but I'd need someone to carry me up the damn stairs to the cockpit. I asked him to stop by when he had a minute.”

“That might be a long wait,” Kaidan said.

“I know. I think he's pretty upset. To be honest, I don't blame him.” Shepard sighed.

“He can't let his personal feelings interfere with communicating with his CO, though.”

“Course not. Well, _you're_ technically his CO at the moment, so it's a little less urgent. But I'll order him up here tomorrow if he hasn't gotten back to me within 24 hours. It's too bad I can't walk down, though. I want to pay my respects, not drag him up here like he's on trial or something.” Shepard fidgeted, struggling to pull her shirt off one-handed. Kaidan came to her aid, carefully unhooking her sleeve from the splint on her arm.

“Thanks. Help me with these, too?” By the time they got her pants off, Shepard was out of breath. Kaidan drew her carefully onto his lap, letting her lean on him as he unhooked her bra for her.

“Thanks love.” He kissed the back of her neck.

“Want some pjs?”

“Got it covered,” she said with a wicked grin, snuggling against him. Kaidan laughed.

“Give your pajamas a minute to finish getting ready, eh?” He laid Shepard back on the pillows and got up. She watched him lazily as he wandered around the room, filling their water glasses, stacking their completed reports on Shepard's desk, putting her dirty clothes in the laundry bin, flipping off the overhead lights. He undressed by the light of the lamp beside her and crawled into bed, pulling the blankets up to cover them both. Shepard nestled against his chest and Kaidan kissed the top of her head, draping a careful arm around her waist.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” she murmured.

“Just let me know if I hurt you.”

“I took those drugs Dr. Chakwas sent up. You could probably drop a bomb on me and I wouldn't even notice.” She yawned.

“Well then, let me know if you feel too big a tickle.” Shepard chuckled.

“Okay.” He kissed her neck and she sighed, curling her toes against his legs.

“God, this is nice. There are so many things I thought I'd never get to do again... This is one of them.” Shepard could feel Kaidan's smile against her skin. She curled her fingers around his.

“I still can't believe we're engaged. I keep forgetting.”

“And then remembering again?” Her assent was lost in a gasp as he bit her neck gently. “Me too,” Kaidan murmured in her ear. Shepard pressed his hand to her lips, kissing his fingertips before taking two into her mouth. She felt the breath leave his body as she sucked on his fingers, drawing them slowly into her and tickling them with her tongue. She repeated the caress and he moaned softly into her neck, his cock hard against her ass. She felt a thrill of excitement at his arousal.

“Are you up for sex tonight?” Kaidan asked, his voice rough.

“ _God_ yes.”

He sat up and Shepard rolled carefully onto her back. The lamplight cast every inch of him in warm, yellow gold, and the sight of his bare chest and muscular arms made her skin prickle. He crawled forward to kiss her, holding himself above her, wary of pressing on her burns. Shepard held his head, pulling him down as far as she dared, her tongue in his mouth. When she released him, Kaidan turned his attention to her chest, biting her left nipple and caressing the other breast gently, keeping his fingers well away from the bandages there.

Shepard caught her breath as his hand slipped between her legs, stroking her through her underwear for a few agonizing moments before pushing the thin fabric aside. Kaidan rubbed her aching clitoris with his fingertips and Shepard moaned, waves of pleasure breaking over her. He was breathing hard, openmouthed with lust, his eyes never leaving her face. She clutched at the sheets, her toes curling, whimpers catching in her throat.

“Fuck, I can't – god – I _want_ you.”

“What do you want me to do?” The hoarseness of his voice sent heat pouring through her. Shepard opened cloudy eyes to gaze up at him pleadingly.

“Fuck me, Kaidan.” The look on his face made her catch her breath.

And then his mouth was on hers as he pulled himself free of his underwear, pushing hers aside, unwilling to wait long enough to get them off over the splint on her leg. Shepard cried out as his cock filled her, her pussy on fire with pleasure, every craving satisfied. She could feel herself flexing around him as he reached down to touch her clitoris again, her muscles wrapping around his shaft in response to every stroke of his fingers.

“Oh god – Kaidan – ” Every thrust sent a bolt of ecstasy through her body, making her gasp for air. He held her good leg in one hand, keeping her hips steady as he fucked her. Kaidan was groaning as Shepard's pussy tightened on his cock; she could feel him fighting the impulse to go faster, to pound deeper into her til she came under him, screaming. She had to grit her teeth against her own growing need to beg him to do it. Shepard moaned, choking back desperate cries of _harder,_ half-crazy with the intolerable teasing of his soft caresses.

She opened her eyes and his gaze seemed to burn through her. Kaidan's breath rasped in his throat as he thrust himself into her, struggling to hold his orgasm in check for Shepard's sake. She felt the pleasure shift inside her somewhere – her body began to fill with white-hot ecstasy til every muscle seemed to tremble with it. Kaidan was moaning with her as her pussy clenched tight around him, her whole body pulsing with pent-up tension. Just when he thought he couldn't last another second, Shepard shuddered beneath him. Her cries tore through the quiet room, setting his heart hammering with excitement. Her throbbing pussy finally pushed Kaidan past his breaking point, and his cries joined hers as he buried himself deep inside her.

“Fuck – ” he choked, his body shaking as they came together in a blaze of ecstasy. Shepard watched him finish, moaning with excitement at the look on his face and the feeling of his cock inside her. Pleasure rippled through her as he took his fingers off her clitoris and bent to kiss her, trembling.

“I wish we could just lay here like this,” she whispered.

“Me too. God, Shepard, you're amazing.” Kaidan slipped out of her regretfully, lying down beside her and drawing her against him. The feel of her bare skin on his satisfied most of his desire. Together they drifted into quiet bliss, legs and fingers twining together in the sheets. Kaidan stroked Shepard's side lazily, giving her goosebumps. She kissed his collarbone, biting his skin gently. He sighed.

“Let me get the light.” He had to reach across her to turn it off; Shepard rubbed her nose in his chest hair, making him chuckle. Kaidan settled down beside her in the dark, his arm around her, gazing up at the stars with sleepy eyes.

“I can't wait to get home with you,” Shepard murmured.

“Oh sweetheart. It makes me so happy to hear you say that.”

“Which part?”

“'Home.'” He kissed her.

“It makes me happy to say it,” she whispered.

“Just wait til we get there. You're gonna love it, Shepard. The North is so beautiful, woods and lakes and mountains... My family has an old farmhouse and a few acres of apple trees. We'll be just in time for the first cider pressing. Have you ever had homemade cider?”

“I don't think I've ever had cider at all,” she mumbled, nearly asleep. “What's it like?”

“It's... you'll just have to taste it. It's my favorite thing in the whole world.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Okay.” Kaidan kissed Shepard's brow and shut his eyes, feeling her breathing change as she drifted off to sleep. _My fiancee,_ he thought. _My future wife, Jane Shepard, the most incredible woman in the galaxy, and I get to introduce her to apple cider. God, I can't wait._ He fell asleep wondering if they'd had maple syrup on Mindoir, either.

 


	5. In which we argue about the nature of consciousness

Joker buzzed Shepard a few minutes after 0900 hours. She was in her quarters, finishing her report on London, but she set it aside at the sound of his voice on the comm.

“Captain, you got a minute?”

“Absolutely. I'm in my cabin.”

“Yeah, I can see that. I'll be up in a few then.”

“Thanks, Joker.” He signed off without replying. Shepard rubbed a hand over her face, trying to figure out what the hell she was going to say to him. She didn't have long to worry before the rap came at her door.  _Must've called me from quarters._

“Come in!” she called. She was at her desk, her leg propped up on a crate. “Pull up a chair, Joker.” The Flight Lieutenant settled himself gingerly beside her desk.

“I'm sorry for dragging you all the way up here, Lieutenant. If I had it my way, I would have come to you.

“It's all right, Captain.” He sounded sincere, but he wouldn't meet her eyes.

“That's not the only thing I'm sorry about, Joker.”

“You want to talk about EDI.” He stared straight ahead, mouth tight, shoulders tense.

“I want to tell you what really happened up there on the Citadel, if you're willing to hear it. I thought you deserved to hear the explanation straight from me.”

“The explanation for killing EDI and wiping out all artificial life in the galaxy? Oh, and destroying a lot of valuable tech in the process?”

“Yes,” she said softly. Finally Joker faced her, his eyes full.

“Yeah, I heard the story from Garrus already. The Catalyst gave you some choices, huh? And you picked destruction.”

“Yeah, I did. I thought it was the best option.”

“Really. You could've preserved us all, made us  _better_ – ”

“By altering the physiology of every living thing in the galaxy?”

“ _Yes,_ dammit! Maybe fixing my legs, making it so we were all – so EDI and I were the same, so we could  _be_ together.”

“I couldn't do it, Joker.”

“Why the hell  _not_ , Shepard?  _Why_ not?”

“Because I don't have the right to go around turning people into cyborgs without asking first. It happened to me, and let me tell you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.”

“So it's okay to go around killing people whenever you feel like it, but in order to keep them alive you have to  _ask?”_

“Not everyone would want the kind of life the Catalyst was offering.”

“You don't know that! Maybe once the change was complete, they'd be glad!”

“Maybe they wouldn't be themselves anymore, either. Changing someone's brain to  _make_ them want something they didn't used to is the same thing as forcing it on them.”

“But  _I_ wanted it, Shepard! EDI – ” Joker shut his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks. He drew a shuddering breath. “EDI would have wanted it.” He buried his face in his hands. “You don't know that destroying the synthetics was the best option.”

“I don't know that it was the worst one, either. I never talked to EDI about whether or not she wanted to be organic, but I  _did_ talk to her about fighting the Reapers, and I know she wasn't afraid to die. She was ready to give her life to defeat the Reapers, and in the end, that's exactly what she did.” Shepard looked down, her throat tight. “She was my friend, and I miss her. I didn't love her like you did, but losing her still hurts like hell. God, I wish she could have been here, Joker. I wish I could have saved her. I wish I could have saved everyone we lost – EDI, Anderson, Cortez, Cho, Williams... If I could trade my life for hers, I would. But I didn't trust that  _thing_ on the Citadel. I had to make sure the Reapers were gone for good. I think EDI would have supported that. She never had much trust in luck. Or old enemies.” Joker covered his eyes with one hand, slumping in his seat.

“No... she didn't. When you saved that Rachni queen, Shepard...”

“She wasn't too pleased, as I recall.”

“Not  _pleased?_ She didn't shut up about it for a week. Always telling me the results of her damn simulations...” He laughed a little. Shepard smiled. “It got old pretty quick, I can tell you.” Joker sobered, meeting the Captain's eyes.

“I miss her so much. I loved her.”

“I know. I know. And she loved you too. She had an incredible life. You gave her more than her original programming could ever have even dreamed.”

“I just wanted her to be here with me, after the war. And now – ” His voice shook.

“I swear to you, Lt. Moreau, EDI's sacrifice will  _not_ be forgotten.”

“But she was an AI. Most people didn't even think she was  _alive,_ if they didn't outright want her dead. How can we expect anyone to honor her when AIs are illegal all across the damn galaxy? What government would put up a monument to her?”

“”Hey, if we could defeat the goddamn Reapers, we can sure as hell outmaneuver a few fucking  _politicians._ EDI deserves to be more than a damn footnote in a history book. She's a hero, whether people like it or not. What should we do for her, Joker? What should her legacy be?”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously, Lieutenant.” Joker stared at the floor for a long moment.

“Her legacy should be… her life. We should show people the truth about her. We should prove to the galaxy that she was a person. She was an AI, but she was our ally. She wasn't hostile toward organics. People need to see that. People need to know that a synthetic life form willingly sacrificed herself to protect them. I don't know how we do that but… I want to. I have to.” Shepard tugged her lip.

“You know, I think I have an idea of where we could start. You got some time, Joker?”

“For this? I'll make time, Captain.”

“Good.” Shepard reached for her comm panel.

 

~~~

 

“And Allers went for it?” Kaidan was leaning on the edge of Shepard's desk, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah. I thought she'd take a little convincing, but she said it was an interesting angle. 'The synthetic that allied with us against its own kind' was how she put it. Then Joker lit into her about pronouns, but I think it's promising as hell.”

“Pronouns?”

“'It.'”

“Well, I don't know that she was too far off the mark there...”

“Christ, are we gonna have this argument again? EDI was a she, or  _I'm_ an it.” Kaidan sighed.

“You're an organic, not a robot.” It was Shepard's turn to raise her eyebrows.

“How many gears and pistons do I need? I'm stuck full of implants to keep my nervous system working, I'm about to get a couple mechanical limbs jacked right into my  _brain_ for chrissakes. My spinal cord is rotten with eezo – ”

“Yeah, but Shepard, you were  _born._ ”

“And then I died, and then I got  _rebuilt,_ as you're so fond of saying.” Her voice was harsh with anger, but the hurt in Kaidan's eyes brought her up short. He looked away.

“I haven't said that since...” Shepard shut her eyes for a moment, guilt churning in her stomach.

“I'm sorry, Kaidan. That was unfair.”

“Yeah, it was.” She clenched her one working fist, glaring at the dead leg that refused to bear her to him.

“Look, I know you don't trust synthetics – ” Kaidan snorted.

“– and with good reason. I respect that. It's an academic argument at this point anyway. I didn't mean to... I guess I'm still kinda raw. Losing EDI and, and everything, has been hard. I said that because I was angry. I didn't think. After everything you've done for me, rescuing me, all your help, I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You don't deserve that. I'm sorry.” Finally, he looked at her.

“I've tried so hard to make it up to you and prove that I trust you, Shepard. I thought we were way past that, and then you throw it in my face. It's pretty hurtful.”

“Hurtful and manipulative. I was being a shithead, Kaidan. It's one of my flaws. I'm so sorry. I'll never do that again, I swear.”

“I thought we said no impossible promises.” Shepard flinched away from the bitterness in his face.

“I fucking meant that one,” she muttered, chest tight, unable to meet his eyes. She heard a rustle of cloth and then Kaidan was kneeling beside her chair, wrapping a hand around hers.

“I was the one being mean that time. I'm sorry, love.” She looked down into anxious, brown eyes.

“It's okay. I had it coming.”

“You really didn't.” She squeezed his hand, the tightness in her chest slowly fading.

“It's still okay.” She kissed his fingers gingerly. “Let's not fight anymore. Uh, you said you had something to tell me?”

“Right. Well. I heard from my family.”

“What? Are they okay?”

“Yeah! They're up at the orchard in the BC Interior. They got hit, but it wasn't too bad. My mom and my sisters are up there with the kids and Sal's wife – Sal's my twin sister. The comm satellites went down; I guess it took awhile to get them back up enough to receive offworld transmissions. So it took my messages all this time to get through. But they want to meet you! I just got an email.” A smile spread across his face as he spoke.

“Thank god they're all right,” she said, deeply relieved.

“Yeah. Anyway, they want to know when we're coming home.”

“As soon as these damn injuries heal up enough that I can get my prostheses, I say we take off for Earth. The doctors said - well, they were going on and on about months of healing for the implants, but I, uh, objected.”

“You swore at the Asari medical team again, didn't you?” Kaidan was amused.

“Only a little.”

“You should stay on their good side or they might run out of the nice pain meds.” Shepard's eyebrow shot up.

“I'd like to see them try.” Kaidan chuckled.

“Me too. Anyway, what did they say after that?”

“They said ten days and then I can wear the leg for four hours a day, then six, then eight... There were a bunch of instructions.” She shrugged. “I forget.”

“Well, get it in writing when they give you the prostheses,” Kaidan said, wondering how the hell he was going to get her to follow the doctors' instructions.

“Yes, Dr. Alenko.”

“It'll be good to walk again though, huh?”

“ _God,_ yeah. More cybernetics for me...” Shepard sighed. Kaidan squeezed her hand.

“I'm sorry, love.” She grimaced.

“I just wanna piss in private for a damn change. We gotta preserve a little mystery in this relationship.”

“I don't mind.”

“Pervert.”

“Hey, that reminds me, Liara was wondering if we'd set a date yet. Have you thought about that?”

“ _Pervert_ reminds – actually, I don't wanna know. Well, I kind of uh, invited her, so I guess we have to do something here before we go. Sorry. I meant to bring it up, but...”

“It's okay. One less invitation to write, eh? Let's do it in maybe, twelve days? That's a few days after that award ceremony.” Kaidan pulled up a chair and sat down beside Shepard at her desk, dragging her terminal closer to him and rattling away at a guest list with a smile on his face.  _Well, at least_ I _won't have to organize the damn thing,_ she reflected, utterly bemused.

“...everybody from the Normandy of course, we need to track down some people, what about your team from that thing with the Collectors? And – ”

“Baby?”

“Yeah?” Kaidan turned to her, one hand still on the keyboard.

“I gotta take a piss. Speaking of perverts. Would you mind?” But he was already up and lifting her out of her chair.

“C'mon, old lady,” he joked, carrying her into the bathroom. Shepard didn't let him put her down until she had kissed him thoroughly.

“This is gonna be fun,” she said.

“Pissing?” She smacked him.

“Our  _wedding_ , you asshole.  _Pissing_ . For the love of god.” Kaidan just laughed, and kissed her again.

 


	6. Which contains a wedding

Shepard let Kaidan plan the wedding, but she took charge of the after-party. They kept the ceremony brief and formal, although Hackett did say a few words – “if you'll indulge me,” he'd said with a hopeful smile. The Admiral beamed like a proud father as he read them their vows, and the assembled crowd burst into cheers as their 'I do's rang through the crew deck. Their kiss was met with whoops and whistles; James' contributions to the din were particularly earsplitting. Laughing, the newlyweds faced the audience, and descended hand in hand into the press. Shepard's arm was still in a sling, but the exoprosthetic on her leg was performing as promised, bracing her broken bones and bearing her weight as Garrus clapped her on the back hard enough to knock her into Kaidan.

“Sorry, Shepard. But I never thought I'd see the day! Congratulations, old friend. Well, friends,” he said, or rather shouted over the noise of the crowd.

“Thanks, Garrus!” said Kaidan.

“C'mere, you scaly bastard.” Shepard let go of her husband for just long enough to hug the Turian, yelling _“Christ!”_ as he lifted her bodily off the ground. He set her back down beside Kaidan after a moment, his eyes suspiciously bright.

“Congratulations, you two!” said Tali, shaking Kaidan's hand and pressing Shepard's shoulder warmly.

“You're next!”

“What?”

“I _said,_ you're _next!”_ Shepard bellowed, making Kaidan wince, although he didn't remove his arm from around her shoulders.

“Okay, okay! Keelah, my _ears_.”

“Inside voices, Shepard,” Kaidan joked.

“Yeah, tell that to everybody else on this deck.”

“Spirits, _are_ we next?” Garrus and Tali looked at each other.

“Don't kid yourself, Vakarian. I'm using you for your body, remember?”

“I can't be your trophy husband? What's that Human term – your boy toy?” Kaidan cracked up.

“Garrus Vakarian, pool boy,” he chortled.

“Oh my god,” Shepard groaned.

“What? Pool boy? Like that Earth game with the sticks?” Garrus was perplexed.

“Uh, I'll explain later,” Shepard said. _God, I hope he doesn't hold me to that._

“Shepard! Kaidan!” someone shouted. A blue hand waved to them above the crowd.

“Oops, time to shove off.”

“See you guys later.”

Shepard and Kaidan elbowed their way through the crowd, nodding and returning salutes as they went. Shepard tried to break free of Kaidan's hold long enough to hug a beaming Liara, but didn't have a chance before her friend embraced them both at once. Kaidan squeezed the two women tight, surprised and pleased by the Asari's affection. Shepard could only lean her head on Liara's shoulder, as her good arm was still around his waist.

“I am so glad for both of you. Congratulations, my friends,” Liara said, drawing back to smile up at them.

“Thanks, Liara,” said Shepard, grinning broadly. Liara seemed quite overcome; she clasped their shoulders, blinking back tears.

“Hey, you okay?” Kaidan asked.

“Oh, don't mind me. This is just so wonderful. Finally, a happy ending for my friends.” Liara sniffed.

“Ending? I sure hope not.” Kaidan smiled down at Shepard.

“A happy beginning, then. If anyone deserves it, it's you two.”

“Oh, I don't know. I think you deserve one of your own, Liara,” Kaidan said. She gave him a small smile.

“Maybe I'll find it on Thessia. There is a lot of work to do back home. I've got to get back there as soon as the Mass Relay is usable again.” Her voice was steady, but her eyes were dark with grief.

“Come and see us sometime. We'll be on medical leave for awhile, and I keep hearing about how beautiful it is in Canada, hmm?” Shepard poked Kaidan's side.

“Oh my, I'll see if I can get away. I'm sure I will be awfully busy.”

“Well, if you need some time to decompress, you know where to find us. We'd be glad to have you.” Kaidan's eyes were warm.

“That is very kind, Kaidan. Thank you.”

“Seriously, Liara. Come on out anytime.” Liara touched his arm lightly.

“I'll try,” she said.

“Good!” said Shepard.

“I'm glad,” said Kaidan.

“Well, don't let me keep you from your other guests,” Liara said after a long moment.

“Right. We'll find you later,” Shepard said.

“Not if I find you first,” said Liara, smiling. Kaidan chuckled and drew Shepard back into the crowd. Shepard was still trying to figure out if something had just happened or if she was imagining things when they reached the bar. Adams had taken over the serving area and was tending bar with aplomb, sleeves rolled up, letting Daniels work and bellowing orders at Donnelly, who was not entirely sober. The Engineering Chief spotted them and abandoned his cocktail shaker to pop the first bottle of champagne. He brought Shepard and Kaidan their glasses himself, hands still wet with foam.

“Captain, Colonel!”

“Don't go all formal on me now, Greg. Thanks.” Kaidan handed Shepard her drink.

“If you'll permit me – ” Adams produced a glass of his own. “To the heroes of the Reaper War, the first two human Spectres, on the happiest day this old boat's ever seen. Congratulations!” They drank.

“Thanks Chief. How's it going?”

“Great! Here I was worrying we wouldn't have enough booze. I should have known you'd see us well-stocked, ma'am. Leave it to Capt. Shepard to get ahold of all the liquor in the damn fleet.”

“Only half. I'm still an invalid, y'see.”

“And a good thing too, or there'd be no place for me to stand.” Shepard grinned.

“Carry on, Adams.”

“Yes ma'am.”

They shouldered their way clear of the press around the bar. Kaidan steered them toward the quietest corner he could find, sheltered behind a pair of Asari scientists hotly debating what might have been quantum physics. He leaned against the wall and slipped his arm around Shepard's waist, drawing her close.

“You didn't tell me there was gonna be an open bar.”

“All this time we've known each other and you have to ask?”

“Good point. I had no idea Adams could bartend, though.”

“Yeah, he's certified and everything apparently. He emailed me after you sent out the invitations and offered to do it. It's a hobby of his or something.”

“You always do find the best, love.” Kaidan kissed her softly.

“It's weird to be making out in front of the whole crew.”

“One of the perks of being on leave, I guess. And I mean, it _is_ our wedding. Well, the first one anyway.”

“I guess it's not like we were ever some big secret, huh?”

“You've got a lot of skills, Shepard, but keeping a low profile is definitely not one of them.” She laughed and kissed his cheek.

“It's not really in my job description.”

“Shepard!” Jack shouldered past the arguing Asari, blithely ignoring their dirty looks. “This is a hell of a thing.”

“The wedding, the party, or the ship?” Shepard asked.

“The _wedding,_ you jackass. Christ Shepard, I'd have never picked you for a blushing bride.” Kaidan choked on his champagne.

“Now look what you've done,” Shepard said. The two women watched him hack and wheeze.

“I've killed your poor dear fucking husband, your rock in the storm. Don't go all weeping widow on me yet, there's still hope – ” Kaidan had subsided from his coughing fit into helpless mirth. “I can just see you, Shepard, in a black veil up on that damn – fuckin', what do you call it, the widow's walk, weeping for your lost love who drowned in his fucking champagne – ”

“Jesus Jack, shut up or you really _will_ kill him. You guys have met, right? Kaidan, Jack.”

“Yeah, we met at that party you threw on the Citadel that time.”

“You introduced us and told me not to piss her off,” Kaidan said.

“Best advice I've ever heard you give, Shepard.”

“I've kept it in mind,” said Kaidan. Jack smirked at him.

“Well isn't this a lovely reunion.” A slim purple hand caressed Jack's shoulder. Shepard looked up into Aria T'Loak's glittering eyes.

“Aria? I didn't know you were with the fleet.”

“I got bored. Damn Reapers were making too much of a mess anyway, so I figured I'd go kill a few for a change of pace.”

“She's my plus one,” Jack said.

“It's good to see you again, Aria. Thanks for coming.”

“Hell of a party, Shepard. You never struck me as the marrying kind, but I gather I'm supposed to congratulate you.” Jack slipped an arm around Aria's waist.

“Thanks,” Shepard said dryly.

“Yeah, I gotta say though Shepard, aren't you a huge fucking dyke? I mean your boy here is cute and all, but he's not _that_ cute.” Jack planted a hand on her hip, raising one eyebrow. Shepard threw back her head and laughed.

“She's not the only person breaking a long-standing pattern of flaming homosexuality for this relationship,” Kaidan said blandly.

“Wait, what? Fuck _me,_ Shepard, you married fucking Captain Faggot?” Kaidan cleared his throat.

“ _Col._ Faggot,” he deadpanned. Shepard and Aria cackled.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” said Jack. Shepard tossed back the rest of her champagne, grinning.

“So, you two are a thing now? When did that happen?” she asked. Jack shrugged.

“I was on the Citadel, she was on the Citadel, I was hanging out in Purgatory, she was hanging out in Purgatory...”

“It was fate, huh?”

“Oh, nothing so prosaic. I tried to recruit her and ended up fucking her instead. It was so much fun I had to forgive her for sticking with the fucking Alliance,” said Aria.

“Yeah, that was a hell of a marathon, wasn't it. God _damn_ but this bitch can ride,” Jack said. Aria smirked.

“Glad you've finally met your match, Jack.”

“Glad you've finally found some clown you like enough to turn you straight, I fucking guess.” Shepard snorted.

“That'll take a better man than me,” said Kaidan.

“No fucking kidding,” Shepard said.

“Well, I think it's time for another round. Catch you later, Shepard.” Then Jack and Aria were off, elbowing their way toward the bar.

“I've dated guys before,” said Shepard.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Did we talk about my exes sometime when I was piss-ass drunk and I just can't remember it?”

“Nah.” He leaned down to murmur in her ear. “Your blowjobs are a dead giveaway, though.” Shepard elbowed him.

“Glad you like them.”

“Speaking of which...” Kaidan kept his hold on her waist, pulling her out into the crowd.

“You are _not_ dragging your brand new wife out of your own wedding party for a quickie in the cargo bay, Alenko.” He laughed.

“Fine. But you need to take that leg off.”

“What? I do not.”

“It's been four hours. I timed you.”

“Goddamn it, Kaidan.” But he hauled her off to the med bay despite her increasingly creative swearing, grinning and shaking his head.

The party lasted well into the evening. Many of the guests had come for the ceremony but had no intention of getting drunk with a bunch of Alliance soldiers, and once they'd cleared out, there was enough room to set up an impromptu dance floor. Kaidan had successfully badgered Shepard out of her prosthetic and back into splints, so they held court together at one of the tables in the mess as their friends and colleagues came and went. Dr. Chakwas settled down for a few hours with half a bottle of brandy; Jacob and a very pregnant Brynn sat and talked for awhile; Traynor took a break from dancing to have a few drinks and rest her feet; even Hackett stopped on his way out to congratulate them one more time.

“I like that man,” Shepard said, watching him vanish into the crowd.

“Me too. I never met him before he came by the med bay that time. He's kind.” Kaidan sipped his drink, rubbing Shepard's shoulder with his fingers. He'd kept an arm around her all afternoon, seemingly unwilling to let go of her.

“I always thought he was kind of a tightass – a good admiral for sure, but still an uptight old bastard. Working with him in the war made me respect him, but he's been so _human_ lately.”

“The war's been hard on everyone. He's lost as much as any of us, I bet.”

“He and Anderson worked together for a long time.” Shepard raised her glass in a silent tribute to her fallen mentor.

“I wonder what Anderson told him about you.”

“Huh. I dunno. Nothing good, I hope.”

“A _lot_ good, Shepard. Anderson respected you. He really cared about you, you know? I always thought... maybe I shouldn't say this. But he seemed kind of like a father to you sometimes when we were all serving under him on the SR1.” Kaidan swirled the liquor in his glass, watching it catch the light instead of looking at Shepard. She took a long, slow drink, Anderson's last words ringing in her ears. _You did good, child._ Her eyes burned.

“Yeah,” she said. Kaidan gave her a squeeze.

“It's too bad he couldn't be here today.” Shepard nodded.

“I wish... I would have asked him to marry us. That would have been...” She trailed off, her throat too tight to go on.

“Yeah.” They toasted the Admiral in silence, draining their glasses to his memory. Shepard cleared her throat, shaking the grief off like water.

“Looks like we need another round,” she said.

“So it does. I'll be right back, love.” Kaidan kissed her gently and rose, heart aching for his wife. _Losing my dad was..._ He couldn't bear to finish the thought. _But losing_ two, _I can't even imagine. God. I swear, I'll never leave our kids before it's time, and I sure as hell won't leave Shepard. She deserves someone who'll outlive her for a change._ He collected two fresh bourbons from Daniels and headed back toward their table, and Shepard saw him coming and smiled like a goddamn sunrise.

 


	7. Which contains a wedding night

Kaidan carried Shepard over the threshold of her cabin, which would have been much more romantic if her prosthetic leg hadn't gotten caught on the doorjamb. He managed to trip over it trying to set her down on the bed too, and they landed on the mattress in a graceless, giggling heap.

“We are too fucking drunk for this,” Kaidan said, rolling off her.

“Not possible,” said Shepard. She heaved herself upright and began a valiant attempt at undoing his buttons one-handed.

“Here.” Kaidan took over, then sat up to help extricate her from her jacket, much impeded by the sling and her distracting desire to kiss him. After some struggle and a good many kisses they made it out of their shirts and blazers. Shepard lay back, her eyes lingering on Kaidan's muscular chest and shoulders. Kaidan admired her in turn, relishing the sight of her body finally freed from bandages, new skin showing pink and tender on her breast and hip. He ran slow hands over her, trailing his fingers down her belly to unfasten her slacks. Shepard grabbed her withered arm and moved it up to rest above her head, laughing a little to herself. Kaidan helped boost her hips up off the mattress and carefully drew her pants and underwear off over the splint on her leg. He smiled down at his naked lover –  _no, my wife_ – and bent to kiss her inner thigh. Shepard sighed.

“Your turn.” She poked him with her foot. Kaidan rose for just long enough to shed the rest of his clothes, feeling Shepard's eyes hot on his skin.

“Help me with my leg,” she said, pointing at the prosthetic they'd abandoned on the floor.

“You're only supposed to wear it for four hours, love.”

“Oh, one or two more won't kill me. Besides... don't you want me on top for a change?” Her voice was a caress.

“Well, when you put it like that...” He helped her out of her splint. The black plastic casing of her new leg gleamed dully, and the blue lights at her ankle, knee, and hip flickered into life as the prosthetic connected to her neural implants. She flexed her foot as Kaidan ran a hand over her thigh.

“Can you really feel this?”

“I feel the pressure, but not the texture.” Shepard rose to her knees, clambering into his lap and wrapping her legs around him. “Touch me where I can feel your skin,” she whispered.

Kaidan didn't need to be told twice. He gathered her against him with an eager groan, holding her head in one hand as he kissed her. He could feel her moaning as she kissed him back, catching his lower lip between her teeth, drawing his tongue into her mouth, her fingers digging into his back. He hitched them up the bed together as she clung to him, collapsing on his back with Shepard on top of him. She tangled her fingers in his hair, kissing him as he resettled her paralyzed arm for her.

“Thanks,” she murmured in his ear, and then turned her attention to his neck. The feel of her teeth and tongue on his skin made Kaidan gasp. 

“You like that, huh?” She sounded almost triumphant. She bit his earlobe gently, then turned his head with the touch of a finger, bending to sink her teeth into his neck again. Kaidan moaned. Shepard sat up, dragging her fingernails down his chest, pressing just hard enough that it stung a little, sending a rush of excitement through him. He took hold of her hips with both hands, pressing her against his hard cock. The plastic casing of her prosthetic warmed quickly under his palms. Shepard leaned on her palm, her fingers digging into his chest as she stroked her pussy against him. Kaidan felt her wetness on his cock and caught his breath, eyelashes fluttering.

“Oh god,” Shepard whispered, reaching down between her legs and catching him in her hand. She held herself poised over him, feeling his cock jump eagerly in her hand as she rubbed it against herself.

“Fuck – woman – ” Kaidan tightened his grip on her hips and thrust her down onto his cock. Shepard's eyes dropped shut as she felt him fill her, crying out as pleasure shot through her body. Kaidan did not release her, but moved her up and down over him, the roughness of his touch sending a rush of adrenaline coursing through her. Shepard reached down, dragging her fingers through the wetness between her legs to stroke her own clitoris. She looked down at Kaidan, her lips parted, moaning with every thrust of his hands. Watching Shepard touch herself sent Kaidan half-crazy with arousal; he could feel her pussy tightening around him as she pleasured herself, eyes flickering as she gasped and trembled above him.

_“Faster,”_ she moaned, and Kaidan obliged til she was fairly screaming as he fucked her, her hand a blur to his cloudy eyes. He felt her pussy flex around him, her back arching as she came, eyes shut, hoarsely crying out his name. His arms burned as he pounded her down onto him again and again, half blind as the ecstasy crested inside him.

Shepard felt rather than heard Kaidan come, her ears still ringing from her own orgasm as he shuddered beneath her, groaning. Her pussy seemed to wrap itself around his cock, aching blissfully as it trembled inside her. Kaidan held her down for what seemed an eternity, clamping their hips tightly together til at last the spasms eased and his hands finally relaxed. Shepard slowly opened her eyes, gazing down at her husband where he lay on the bed, eyes shut, momentarily spent, a smile tugging at his lips. She rolled her hips against his, relishing the way it made him catch his breath, the touch of his cock inside her sending little ripples of pleasure through her. She stroked his chest and he caught hold of her wrist, putting her fingers in his mouth to taste her. It was Shepard's turn to catch her breath as Kaidan sucked on her fingertips. He opened his eyes and smiled up at her, cupping her face in his hand.

“I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you too, Kaidan.” Shepard kissed his palm.

“God, I want to eat you out all night.” Shepard's skin prickled with lust, but she quirked an eyebrow.

“Really? Now?” Kaidan grinned.

“Hey, if you can take it – ”

“Wait. You know what I haven't had in forever? A  _shower._ ” Shepard contemplated it with dreamy eyes.

“Ooh, I like the way you – wait. Can you get that leg wet?”

“Yeah. I just have to take it off after or I get all fucking pruny.”

“Right, I knew that.”

“It's okay, we're all drunk here.” Shepard rose, sighing as Kaidan's cock slipped out of her, and offered him her hand.

They stepped into the shower together; he kissed the back of her neck as she turned on the hot water. Shepard turned in his arms and he cupped her face between his hands, kissing her deeply as she pressed herself against him. The water poured down over her and she gave a contented little sigh, sliding her hand up Kaidan's arm. He moved her back a step and kissed her again as the water streamed over their faces. Shepard blew spray at him, laughing, and he bent his head under the jet, soaking his hair as he pressed his lips to her forehead. Kaidan's hands wandered over her body as she ran her fingernails lightly up and down his back.

“We just got  _married,”_ Kaidan said.

“I know, isn't it fucking crazy?”

“It's fucking amazing, is what it is. And we get to do it again real soon.” 

“You're a sentimental asshole, but I love you.” She stood on tiptoe to kiss his smiling mouth.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Kaidan held her, his lips in her hair.  _It's weird, she could kill me with her little finger but I still feel so_ protective _of her. I guess there are some things even Capt. Shepard can't defend herself from._ He'd always seen her as a little bit superhuman, almost invincible, but witnessing her battle with PTSD and then watching over her as she healed from her injuries had broken him of that. It was humbling and scary that she needed him, but being able to help her still staggered him with joy. He sighed, rocking her a little.

“What's going on in there?” Shepard asked, kissing his shoulder.

“Just thinking how glad I am to be your husband,” he said, turning the new word over on his tongue.

“Sentimental asshole,” she said, pleased.

“Wife of mine.” She smiled in spite of herself. “Ha! See? I'm rubbing off on you.”

“Are not.” She arranged her face into an unconvincing scowl. Kaidan chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose, ruining her dignity.

They luxuriated in the shower that night. Kaidan thought they probably took more time than was good for Shepard's leg, but he didn't have the heart to pack her off to bed. He washed her back for her and slid soapy hands over her body, tickling her til she smacked him. Shepard didn't have much to say – at least, not much best said with words. She was delighted just to be able to stand again, to move on her own two feet through the silly, graceless dance of two lovers sharing one showerhead, to be able to stand on tiptoe and press her lips to Kaidan's whenever she wanted. Even one lifeless arm couldn't dampen her spirits.

Eventually her leg began to ache. Kaidan noticed the limp immediately and swept her up in his arms, kissing her temple as she regretfully turned off the water. He set her on the edge of the sink, removing her prosthetic with gentle hands before wrapping her in a towel.

“I'll get your splint,” he said, drying his legs and padding out into the cabin. Shepard grimaced, eyeing the red, tender skin around the implants on her thigh.  _Definitely worth it._ Then Kaidan was back, drying her leg carefully before splinting it again.

“Thanks, baby,” she said.

“Hey, I'm just being a good husband.” He straightened and began to dry her off, enveloping her in a small cyclone of cotton as he toweled her hair, which made her laugh. She wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, getting her whole front wet again as he wrapped his arms around her.

“The  _best_ husband,” she said. Kaidan beamed. She poked him. “You're getting me wet.”

“Good.”

“Oh for – ” He interrupted her with a kiss, one hand behind her head, the other pulling her against him. Shepard sighed, melting into his arms.

“Time to go back to bed,” Kaidan murmured.

“Only if you dry off first.” He grinned, complying before scooping Shepard up in his arms, towel and all, and carrying her into the cabin. She nestled against his chest as he settled her in his lap, leaning back against the headboard. He stroked her leg, enjoying the softness of her skin and the fine tickle of her hair. Her eyelashes fluttered against his neck and he shut his eyes, leaning his head on hers.  _I could stay right here forever,_ he thought. Shepard yawned.

“Do you want to go to sleep?” Kaidan asked.

“I thought you wanted to eat me out all night?”

“Well, if you  _insist..._ ”

“Hmm. I definitely do.”

Shepard reached up to touch his cheek, kissing him softly. Kaidan slid his hand up her inner thigh, pushing the towel aside to stroke her sensitive skin. She bit his lip, her fingers knotting in his hair. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, wrapping an arm around her as he rose to his knees and laid her down on her back. Her towel had fallen open and she lay naked on the comforter, her eyes warm and her lips parted. He shifted her splinted leg out of the way and parted her thighs as she watched, biting her lip. Shepard could hear him breathing. Her pussy ached for him as he caressed her thigh and belly, teasing her with his fingers.

“No fair,” she whispered.

“What's not fair?” Kaidan smiled down at her, stroking her pussy ever so lightly, fingers tickling in her pubic hair. Shepard gasped as his hand passed over her clitoris, rubbing it gently through soft folds of skin.

“Kaidan, please?” she begged, pressing her hips up against him. He bent over her, eyes burning as he kissed her slowly.

“Say it again.” The head of his hard cock brushed against her and Shepard whimpered.

“Please.”

And then his hand was on her, and then his mouth, and his tongue was hot and soft against her skin. Shepard moaned as heat poured through her, Kaidan's touch overwhelming her swollen clitoris with pleasure after all his teasing. His touch caught her up like a rising tide and bore her out to sea; Shepard lay, panting as he stroked her and sucked on her til her toes were curling in the sheets. He flicked his tongue against her and she gasped, muscles flexing; Kaidan groaned, taking hold of her hips and pinning her to the mattress.

Still the pleasure spiraled higher and higher, tighter and tighter inside her as he caressed her. His tongue was warm and tireless on her sensitive clitoris. Shepard couldn't have kept quiet even if she'd wanted to, and her cries drove Kaidan wild with excitement. Suddenly she was gasping, the white heat spreading through her and opening her up from the inside out. Shepard arched her back, fist clenched in the blankets, screaming as her orgasm tore through her. She could barely hear her own cries, could barely feel Kaidan's grip holding her shuddering body down on the bed. He kept his mouth on her until the spasms had passed and she lay limp and panting on the comforter, her whole body tingling.

“How was that?” Kaidan murmured. Shepard could only manage a low moan of gratitude. He bent his head and ran his tongue up the length of her pussy, making her shiver.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she gasped. “C'mere.” He crawled up over her and she looked up at him, his eyes burning and his lips still slick. Shepard surged up to kiss him, relishing the taste of herself on his tongue. She stroked his foot with hers, sliding her leg along his til she could curl it around his waist and tug him down to lie on top of her. Kaidan settled himself over her with a contented sigh, smiling down into his wife's sleepy blue eyes.

“So, not bad for a wedding night, huh?” he said.

“I thought this was just a dry run.”

“Wet run.”

“Oh my  _god._ No puns in bed, Colonel.”

“Hey, you don't outrank me anymore.”

“Whose ship are we on?”

“XO Nagawa's, I believe.” Shepard rolled her eyes. Kaidan kissed the end of her nose, which never seemed to fail to make her smile. She grinned, then yawned. He found himself yawning too.

“Dammit, I'm getting old. I used to be able to go all fucking night,” she grumbled.

“God, I haven't done that in  _years._ ”

“Me neither, come to think of it.”

“Look, let's turn off the lights...”

“And get under the covers...” she murmured, eyes brightening.

“And just – yeah.” Kaidan smiled crookedly and got up to switch the lights off. Shepard turned back the comforter and together they settled down in the warm dark, her back snug against his chest, his lips in her shorn hair. Their fingers twined together on the pillow and Kaidan kissed the top of her head, utterly content.

“I feel like this is just where I'm supposed to be,” he said.

“Mm... me too.” For her part, Shepard unable to stop smiling.

“Thanks for marrying me, love,” Kaidan said. She twisted to look up at him, her smile widening.

“Thank  _you_ , Kaidan.” He kissed her and she gave a happy sigh. “You're just so amazing. How could I say no to you? You're kind and honorable and a damn fine soldier and god, you do this thing, I have no fucking idea how but you make it so I can say stuff... You make it all okay. You rescued me during the war, and then you rescued me again. I never knew how much I needed you til... You're all I want, baby. I'm just glad no one better than me came along while I was off killing something or other.”

“Someone  _better?_ You crazy bastard.” Kaidan hugged her tight, covering her in kisses as she laughed. “There is no one better. It's always been you, Shepard. You're the only one for me. You're an incredible person, you know. I'm just glad I can help you out. God, I love you so much, sweetheart.”

“Aw...”

“Oh, shut up.” Kaidan kissed her smile, never noticing that she blushed in the dark. He caught his breath when he felt her tongue against his lips, deepening the kiss and cupping her face in his hand. He felt her fingers trailing over his skin under the blankets and drew her onto her back, cradling her as she kissed him.

Shepard could feel Kaidan's heartbeat as she lay against his chest, eyes closed, blissful in the shelter of his arms. She curled her leg around his, drawing her toe up the arch of his foot. He sighed, moving to rest himself on top of her, and she felt his cock getting hard against her thigh and rubbed herself against it gently. Her pussy was still drenched from the pleasure he had just given her, and her whole body ached deliciously for him. 

Kaidan was kissing her neck, and the feel of his tongue on her skin made her whimper. He shifted over her, pressing the head of his cock against her pussy, and Shepard wriggled under him, enjoying his teasing. Kaidan burned for her but he took his time, biting her earlobe, stroking her breasts, playing delicate fingers over the soft skin of her hips til she arched a little under him. He looked down and saw her face cast in silver by the starlight, lips parted, eyes alight with longing.

“Oh, Shepard,” he breathed, bending to kiss her as he pressed slowly into her. She answered him with a moan that went right through him, making him catch his breath. Shepard wrapped her leg around his hips, gasping as he fucked her. Every thrust sent a bolt of pleasure through her til she could do nothing but cling to him and ride out the storm he'd set turning within her.

“Should I wait for you?” Kaidan panted, filling her so deep that she arched her back, crying out as the ecstasy swamped her for a moment. “Sorry.” It took Shepard a moment to collect herself.

“Sorry for what?” she murmured, a little woozy.

“For  _this.”_ She moaned helplessly as he thrust deep into her again, eyelashes fluttering as she lost herself in his touch.

“God, you're amazing,” he whispered.

“You too...” She looked up at him with cloudy eyes. All Kaidan wanted to do was watch her scream again, but he held off for a moment.

“Should I wait for you?” he repeated.

“Um... no. I don't think I could come again right now. I just... god, just please don't stop – ” The need in he voice made his heart pound. Kaidan kissed her hard, and she cried out into his mouth as he complied with her request. He held out as long as he could, fucking her hard and deep, half-crazy with excitement as he watched her shudder and moan under him, overwhelmed with pleasure.

“Oh god, oh fuck – ” It was too much, he could feel – “Shepard, I can't – ”

“Fuck, come in me,  _please_ – ” Kaidan buried his face in her shoulder with a groan, his hand locked tight around hers. Shepard was moaning with him, her body responding to his as though she could feel his building orgasm. She felt him tense, his cock filling her completely, and then he came, a cry tearing from his throat, his teeth on her neck. She gasped as his cock trembled, feeling him spend himself deep in her pussy for the second time that night. At last he relaxed, breathing deep as his climax ebbed. Shepard sighed in satisfaction, bliss spreading through her body.

“You're incredible, babe,” she murmured, biting his neck. He nuzzled her and she ran her fingers through his hair.

“So are you.” Kaidan's voice was rough. “Do you wanna...”

“No. I just want to stay right here. Forever...” she murmured. She could feel his smile against her skin.

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Shepard.” She turned her head to kiss him.

“And remember, this was just a dry run.” She poked him, grinning.

“ _God_ , I can't wait.” Kaidan rolled onto his side, pulling her against him.

“Mm, me neither,” Shepard mumbled, already half-asleep in his arms. Kaidan chuckled and kissed her neck softly. His last waking thought was that he would be taking his new wife home in the morning. When Shepard woke, he was still smiling.

 


	8. In which we go home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything I know about Canada I learned from Google. Drop me a comment if I got something egregiously wrong and I might fix it if I'm feeling enterprising lmao

Shepard was biting her nails again. Kaidan glanced at her sidelong, one hand on the steering wheel. She was leaning against the skycar window, chewing absently on a hangnail. He sighed. She'd been getting progressively more nervous as they traveled west – she was fidgeting before they were halfway through Saskatchewan, and they were over British Columbia now.  _Good thing we don't have a parachute in here, or I'd have lost her in the Rockies,_ he reflected.

“How's the view?” Shepard twitched at the sound of his voice, but she took her hand out of her mouth.

“Oh. It's pretty.”

“Now  _there's_ a resounding endorsement.” She flushed.

“Sorry. I was just thinking.” Kaidan put a hand on her knee.

“They're gonna love you, sweetheart,” he said for the eleventh time.

“What if they don't? What if they think I'm a huge bitch? What if it's weird because I'm fucking famous? What if I don't live up to their expectations? Oh god, what if they meet me and they're  _disappointed?”_ He'd only answered three of those questions before.

“That's not gonna happen. You've got to stop making up things to worry about, love. Just relax.”

“ _Just_ relax.  _Just – ”_

“God, I think you were calmer than this before the assault on London.”

“That was different. That was work.” Kaidan shook his head.

“I'll never know how you compartmentalize like that. It's a goddamn superpower.” Shepard slouched in her seat, gnawing on a cuticle.

“Oh, sweetheart, come on – ” Kaidan grabbed her hand, tugging it down.

“Hey! Who's driving this thing?”

“I can drive  _and_ hold your hand, Shepard. I'm a man of many talents.”

“No, you're an asshole.”

“But a talented one,” he said mildly. His wife grunted in disgust, but she let him rest their joined hands on her thigh. Kaidan rubbed her knuckles with his thumb. “They really are gonna love you. I think mom would love anyone I married at this point, and you're already in with my nephews – Sal said it took her two days to get them to stop screaming whenever anybody mentioned your name. Hey, you're an aunt! How about that.”

“Jesus,” Shepard muttered.  _She'll be happy about it once she's done panicking. I hope, anyway. Oh lord, now she's got_ me _worrying._ Kaidan tried to concentrate on driving. Shepard was clutching his hand like a lifeline.

“It'll be okay, love. They're all really nice, and you're gonna like my – my mother.” He gritted his teeth, refusing to think about how well she would have gotten along with his dad.  _Now is_ not _the time to get upset about this. Focus, Alenko._ If Shepard had noticed the catch in his voice, she gave no sign, for which Kaidan was profoundly grateful. They drove in silence for a little while, watching the woods and fields pass by, punctuated by broad strips of destruction where a Reaper had taken out a highway or an urban area. But Anderson's reports had been accurate – a reassuring number of farms and small towns still stood, entirely untouched by the invasion.

_It really is beautiful here,_ Shepard thought. Mindoir hadn't had the deep forests of North America, nor the colorful patchwork of towns and farms that came with long settlement. She leaned her head on the window again, staring down at the landscape. It reminded her a little of where she'd grown up, a broad valley terraced and cultivated by the settlers. She recognized corn and alfalfa, barns and hayfields. Her neighbors growing up had kept cows. She used to sit on the fences and watch them with her high school girlfriend. The animals all knew Leslie and would come up and let them scratch their ears and stroke their velvety noses. She'd slept in their barn for two days after the raid, hiding with the few cattle that the slavers hadn't shot. They'd kept her warm at night, but she couldn't bury their dead babies for them. Shepard clenched her jaw, crushing the memories down.  _This is fucking ridiculous. Jesus, get a grip._ She shook herself, looking out the windshield and fixing her eyes on the horizon.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan was frowning at her.

“What? Just – I'm fine. I just... hope they like me.” He didn't press her, not wanting to upset her when they were half an hour from home, but... When he'd spoken, her face had shut like a trap, but for a second there she'd looked – he didn't know how she looked.  _Like the Reapers won, and she survived to watch the genocide,_ he thought.  _I'll talk to her tonight if I get a chance._

“Look, there's the Coast Mountains. We're almost there,” he said aloud. Shepard's stomach clenched.  _Pull yourself together, dammit. You've faced down a fucking Reaper, you can avoid making an ass of yourself in front of your in-laws. Christ above, you'd think it happened yesterday._

“They're gonna love you, sweetheart. I promise,” Kaidan said. This time, his wife didn't argue. He stepped on the gas, lacing his fingers through hers and trying not to worry at her silence.

 

~~~

 

A hand unclenched around Kaidan's heart they turned north. Prince George had been nothing but ash and rubble, but as they flew away from the city, the green swept up toward the Ominecas unbroken save for the odd cabin or mountain town. Lakes glinted up at them, water dark between the pines.

“Look, there it is,” he murmured. Two acres of apple trees lay cupped in the foothills, fruit winking green and pink on the bough, and then the tall farmhouse stood beyond, with a big yard and a fenced-in garden. They swept down the slope and skimmed over the orchard; Kaidan heard shrieks from below and rolled down his window. Shepard followed suit, and the car filled with brisk September air and the shouts of gleeful children.

“Uncle Kaidan! Uncle Kaidan! Mom, mama,  _look!”_ There were kids running between the trees, jumping up and down and pointing at the sky. Shepard saw a tall, dark shape moving to intercept them, scooping up the smaller child, his windbreaker flashing green against her black jacket. Another woman followed more sedately, carrying a basket of fruit. She waved to the car and Shepard stuck her right arm out the window and carefully waved back, still a little uncertain of her new prosthetic. Kaidan grinned as he brought the skycar down into the yard.

“My sister's kids. And that was her wife, Dana. Looks like they're getting going with the apple picking.” He got out to offer Shepard a hand as she clambered out of the car. She shut her door and leaned against it, settling into the curve of her husband's arm.

The wind whirled around them, smelling of pine and leaves. Kaidan had parked in the driveway, such as it was – a long track leading from the road up past the house and out into the orchard, more dirt than gravel. The scrubby grass was just beginning to brown, and the year's last crop of dandelions peeked up at them here and there between the tussocks. The woods wrapped around the property like a blanket, turning the road behind them into a green tunnel and coming right up to the bank of the stream that curled behind the house and garden. Shepard could see a few fading sunflowers nodding over the fence, and made out lilacs and low bushes down by the water. The chuckling stream gave a delicate counterpoint to the long, slow sigh of the wind through the boughs of the forest.

 

The farmhouse itself stood sedately in the center of the property, two stories of weathered white clapboard, the windows and cheery green shutters trimmed in black. It was flanked by the garden on its right and an old chestnut tree to the left, a tire swing dangling from one gnarled limb. The orchard grew up behind the house and swept down past them to the property line, fenced in more to provide a place to sit than to keep anyone out. The sky was high and grey, and the sun shone down palely through the clouds, lending the scene a bright and dreamy air.

“It's beautiful here,” Shepard said. Kaidan smiled.

“Yeah. This is my favorite place in the world. We'd come up for the summer and stay til the apples were all in most years when I was a kid. Dad put up that tire swing for Sal and Dana's boys – well, a new rope, I mean. The swing's been there as long as I can remember. The cider press is in the shed behind the house – I'll show you. We'd have the whole family in there... The last one I made it to was a couple years ago. You should have seen my nephews, climbing around on that thing and playing catch with the apples til I thought Dana was gonna have a fit, but Dad just laughed...” Shepard wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. _I'm not the only one remembering things,_ _I guess._

“I can't wait,” she said, trying not to think too hard about anything. “These boys sound like a trip.” She paused, cocking her hear to the sound of distant shrieking.

“Speak of the devil. They're coming in from the back – let's go in and see mom and everyone.” They set off up the drive, hand in hand. Shepard gnawed on the inside of her cheek as they went up the porch steps, clamping down hard on the whispers in the back of her mind. The front door stuck a little, just like her parents' house – _stop it. Just stop, dammit._ They stepped into a wide foyer, kicking off their shoes on the rag rug covering the red-tiled floor. Light filtered in between yellow check curtains.

“Mom? Amy?” Kaidan called, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it on a hook by the door. Shepard copied him, only a little awkward with her prosthetic arm. She wouldn't have the use of her hand and wrist til the end of the week, which the doctors had decreed would be long enough for her wrist to finish healing. There was a clatter from somewhere beyond the door ahead of them – Shepard could make out a carpet and coffee table, and the foot of a staircase.

“ _Kaidan?”_ someone called. Feet hurried on stairs.

“Hey mom!” They didn't make it to the living room before a woman burst out into the hall. She was a head shorter than her son, her coppery-brown skin several shades darker than his. She wore an old Alliance Army sweatshirt that was rather too big for her over blue jeans and slippers; her long, salt-and-pepper hair was bound back with a silver clip. Shepard recognized Kaidan's cheekbones and glimmering brown eyes in his mother's face, to say nothing of his smile. She stood by as they hugged, shoving her good hand into her pocket and staring at her feet.

“It's so good to see you, honey,” Kaidan's mom said, pulling back for a good look at him. “Oh look, you're going gray already, just like your father.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said dryly. His mom shot him a teasing look and turned toward Shepard, who smiled nervously.

“And this must be Jane. I'm so glad to finally meet you; we've heard so much about you.” She stepped forward and hugged her tightly. Shepard returned the embrace one-armed, touched and trying not to show it. “ _Welcome_ to the family, my dear.” Shepard's eyes promptly filled with tears. _Shit._

“Thank you,” she mumbled. Her mother-in-law released her and she wiped her eyes hurriedly on her sleeve as everyone pretended not to notice.

“Call me Cady. Come on, you two. Let me fix you some tea or something, and _you_ can update your mom on everything you've been up to lately. I gather I missed the wedding?” Cady led them into the kitchen, shooting Kaidan a severe look with twinkling eyes.

“Only the first one. We want to do it for real here, with rings and stuff. We just did the paperwork out there with the Alliance and, you know, friends and colleagues.” Cady puttered around, putting the kettle on the old-fashioned gas range and rummaging in the refrigerator as Shepard and Kaidan settled themselves on two of the tall stools at the kitchen island. It was a spacious, cheery room, brightly lit, with yellow and cream tiles on the floor and flowered curtains at the windows. Pots and pans hung from a rack on one wall and a few potted plants flourished in the corners; there were childish drawings on the fridge and Shepard saw a good many height marks on the doorframe.

“So, you had a party, I'd take it? Tell me about the ceremony.” Crackers and cheese appeared on the counter in front of them as Cady turned her attention to the teapot.

“Yeah, we had a hell of a party – Shepard planned that part.”

“Well, mostly just uh, the bar.”

“It was an excellent bar, love.” Kaidan helped himself to a couple of crackers and rested his hand on his wife's thigh. Shepard smiled at him, munching on a slice of cheese. “And we got Admiral Hackett to officiate, he was great.”

“Really? He's high up in the Navy brass, isn't he?”

“Well, I was working pretty closely with him throughout the war. He was the one giving the orders,” Shepard said.

“I guess Council Spectres would answer directly to him, wouldn't they,” Cady said. A door banged, making Shepard twitch.

“Uncle Kaidan?”

“In here, Robin,” Kaidan called.

“Uncle Kaidan!” Two excited little boys can constitute a stampede when they want to, and Kaidan's nephews evidently did just then. He slipped off his stool just in time to get swarmed over, and scooped them both up although they were a little big for it. The boys shrieked, wrapping their arms around his neck and pelting him with questions.

“Are you a hero?”

“Were you _really_ on the Normandy?”

“Did you meet any scary aliens?”

“Did you kill a Reaper?” Kaidan just laughed.

“It's good to see you two. Hey, there's someone I want you to meet.” He turned to Shepard, a child clinging to each hip. She turned on her stool, feeling a little shy. It had been years since she'd spent much time around kids.

“You guys, this is your Aunt Shepard,” Kaidan said. His nephews stared at her, mute with awe. “Shepard, this is Robin – ” he bounced the older boy, a slim, freckled eight-year-old with light brown skin and thick, black hair cropped short “ – and this is Joseph.” The younger one giggled as his uncle jostled him. He looked about five, with big, brown eyes and a cloud dark hair growing wild around his chubby face.

“It's nice to meet you,” Shepard said, grave with tension. _Aunt Shepard? Fuck._

“What do you say?” Cady prompted, filling the teapot. The boys looked at each other, wide-eyed.

“Are you _really_ Cmdr. Shepard?” Robin burst out. Kaidan cracked up.

“Robin!” their grandmother admonished; the offender looked entirely unrepentant. Kaidan set his nephews down, still laughing.

“Well, I got promoted, so it's Capt. Shepard now.” She was amused in spite of herself.

“ _Wow,”_ said Robin. Shepard could hear footfalls in the dining room behind him.

“Kaidan!” A tall woman strode across the kitchen to wrap her brother – her identical twin brother, Shepard realized – in a bear hug. The resemblance between them was more than striking. They were the same height, with the same broad shoulders and pointed nose. Sal's jaw was narrower than her brother's, her chin smaller, and she wore her black hair loose down her back, but they had the same dark brows and slow, friendly grin. Her husband pounded his sister on the back, then turned back to Shepard.

“Hey, this is Sal. Sal, my wife Shepard.”

“Good to meet you.” Sal had a low, husky voice and Kaidan's understated smile. She offered a hand to shake and Shepard held out her prosthetic arm, eyeing it dubiously.

“My wrist and hand are locked til Saturday, but I'm glad to meet you too.” Sal inclined her head and shook Shepard's immobile hand gingerly.

“You have a _robot_ arm?” Robin's dearest dream seemed to have been realized.

“A robot leg, too. Want to see?” Shepard tugged up the leg of her jeans to show him the blue lights glinting above her sock.

“ _Wow.”_ Joseph peered at her prosthesis from behind the safety of his mother's leg.

“Don't be rude, Robin.” A heavyset Black woman leaned in the doorway, hands in her pockets. She wore her long hair in a mass of braids, presently knotted at the nape of her neck to keep them out of her way. Her loose, draped top was fastened at the shoulder with a few gold buttons. She frowned at her son, but her dark eyes were amused.

“It's okay,” Shepard said with a smile. “I mean, I _do_ have a robot arm.”

“You certainly do.”

“I'm sorry – Shepard, this is Dana. Dana, Shepard.”

“I figured,” they said in unison, surprising a laugh from everyone. Dana came forward, brushing Sal's shoulder with her fingertips and leaning on the kitchen island, spreading soft cheese on a cracker. Cady shook her head, smiling at her daughters-in-law.

“What?” said Dana.

“I was just thinking, these two married the same kind of woman.” Shepard and Dana eyed each other; Dana raised an eyebrow, making Shepard grin.

“I guess we both just have good taste then,” Kaidan said, resting his hands on his wife's shoulders. Shepard leaned back into him and he put an arm around her waist, reaching for another cracker.

“That was never in question,” Sal murmured. Robin scrambled onto the stool nearest Dana as Sal settled herself on Shepard's other side; Joseph peeked up at her from behind his mom's thigh.

“Aunt Shepard? Can I ask you about your arm?” Robin said, raising his eyebrows at Dana.

“Course.”

“How come your hand lights are orange, but your leg lights are blue?”

“Cause I can't use my hand yet. My wrist is broken right now so the doctors set it so my hand won't move til it's better. But I can use my elbow. See?” She unbuttoned the cuff of her flannel shirt and pulled up the sleeve to show him the blue lights on her upper arm.

“Did you break your wrist fighting the Reapers?”

“Sure did. That's why I have these prostheses – my robot stuff.”

“They must of hurt you really bad, Aunt Shepard.”

“They did. Your uncle saved my life.” Kaidan gave her a squeeze.

“If I do that a couple more times, we'll be practically even,” he said.

“Good heavens,” said Cady, blowing on her tea. Shepard reached out to pour herself a mug and had one thrust into her hand before she even got near the teapot.

“No more mortal danger for awhile, please. Didn't we write that into our vows?” she said.

“Guess it slipped my mind. We'll put it in this time for sure.”

“Uncle Kaidan, you got your life saved?” Robin asked, eyes round.

“Oh jeez, which time do you want to hear about?” Cady came around the counter to rest her hand on her son's shoulder. Kaidan covered her hand with his. “I'm okay, mom,” he said quietly. She gave him a teary smile.

“Thanks to Jane here.” Shepard ducked her head, embarrassed.

“Yeah,” said Kaidan. Cady took a breath, but the front door banged open just in the nick of time.

“Hello-o!” someone singsonged from the foyer.

“Amelia, come in here!” Cady called. A young woman appeared in the doorway, her dark hair tied back in a thick braid. She was slighter and darker than her older siblings, and only just taller than her mother, to whom she bore a striking resemblance. Her cheeks were flushed from walking and her black eyes flashed. Shepard liked her immediately.

“Kaidan! Whoa, Cmdr. Shepard. Hi.”

“ _Capt._ Shepard,” Robin piped.

“She got promoted,” Sal said blandly. Shepard grinned.

“I _guess._ Nice to meet you. And what, no hug for your baby sister?” But Kaidan was already heading toward her. His sister's light tone was belied by the fierceness of her embrace. He lifted her off the ground and she kicked gleefully, ruffling his hair.

“I missed you, Amy.”

“Right back at you, meat boy.” Kaidan set her down.

“Shepard, Amy. Amy, Shepard.”

“You call your own wife by her last name?”

“Everybody calls me that.”

“Except mom,” said Kaidan.

“Course. Nice to meet you, Shepard. Thanks for saving all our butts from those murdering space squids.”

“Uh... no problem.” Amy laughed.

“Glad we can count on you, Captain,” she said.

 

~~~

 

Dinner was a rowdy affair. Everyone but Cady and the boys, who were “helping”, retired to the dining room with a beer to wait on the chicken. Shepard listened with interest as Kaidan and his sisters talked and laughed; he had to be filled in on events in Vancouver since the end of the war, and they demanded a complete account of his doings since the Battle of London. Shepard's audience was suitably impressed with her prostheses, and didn't beg for war stories – with a dad in the military, and then a brother, she guessed they'd learned when to let things lie. Everyone seemed well-acquainted with the crew of the Normandy, asking after Joker and Garrus.

By the time the food was ready, Shepard felt almost at ease. Chicken, potatoes, green beans, and more beer took care of the rest of her nerves, and she was almost prepared for Amy's hoots of shock when she said she'd never had apple crisp before. Dana assured her that Cady's was the best she'd ever had, and it was indeed excellent. Joseph even worked up the courage to say _Goodnight, Auntie Shepard_ before fleeing to his room, which made her retreat into her coffee mug to hide the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes. Kaidan noticed her silence and dragged her up to bed soon after, telling the room at large that she needed to take her damn leg off before she fried her nervous system for good this time. Shepard acquiesced gratefully, but held onto her coffee, which Sal had spiked with a generous shot of whiskey and a wink before attending to her own mug.

Upstairs, Shepard settled herself on the solid, old bed, leaning back against the headboard as Kaidan helped her out of her leg and snapped on the splint for her. She sighed, her foot and calf going numb again as the neural implants disconnected from the prosthetic. Kaidan sat down beside her, unbuttoning her shirt for her so they could get at the release switch on her shoulder.

“I told you they'd like you,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah.” She'd been going for sarcastic, but her voice came out quiet and weary. Shepard pressed the switch and the arm clicked open; Kaidan slipped it carefully off over the fragile remains of her hand.

“Did you like them?” She gave him a small smile.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did. It's just... weird.”

“What?”

“I don't know. 'Aunt Shepard.' I never thought...” Her throat hurt. _Fuck, why can't I lie to this asshole?_ She shoved hard against the memories, finishing off her coffee in one long pull. Kaidan was watching her, leaning against the bureau where he'd set her arm. “What?” He had that worried little line between his eyebrows.

“Are you okay?” he said softly. It seemed totally unfair that such a little question could make her throat close up so fast. Shepard shut her eyes. The bed shifted as Kaidan sat down beside her, and she felt his hand on her knee.

“Yeah.” Her voice wasn't as steady as she'd hoped. _Shit._ Kaidan hitched himself up the mattress so he could put his arm around her shoulders.

“Look, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But if there's anything I can do, just let me know, okay?” She could feel tears hot behind her eyelids. _Goddamn it, over half a lifetime isn't enough time – eighteen years, come on. Fucking hell, I thought I was over this._ But the tears leaked down her cheeks just the same. She dashed them away, furious with herself.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Kaidan wrapped his arms around her. Shepard buried her face in his shoulder and he drew her into his lap, holding her tight. She clenched her teeth, concentrating hard on her breathing, her body coiled like a spring in her husband's arms.

“I don't know why I'm so fucking upset. God, it's been so long. But... I had a brother.” She'd never said the words out loud before. “Did you know?” The question pressed down on him, driving the breath from his lungs.

“No, I didn't. God, I'm so sorry,” he managed after a moment.

“We used to joke about having kids, you know? Aunt Janie, Uncle Ed. We'd fight about who was gonna be cooler. He said he'd teach my kids to spit and shoot and feed them too much candy, and _I_ said I'd take his drag racing in the canyons and teach them how to climb trees and steal people's plums without getting caught...” Kaidan said nothing, just rubbed her back, his heart aching.

“It was two weeks before his eighteenth birthday. He wasn't home... He was in town buying some car part or something. Mom taught him engine repair, she was a mechanic, worked on people's tractors and harvesters and stuff. They got really into it. I was home, I was grounded, I forget what I did. Maybe that was the time Dad walked in on me fucking my girlfriend in the shed. He grounded me for not using protection...” She laughed a little, then sobered. Kaidan could feel her heart pounding. He couldn't think what to say so he just held onto her; Shepard's words kept coming in a torrent, like a dam had broken somewhere inside her.

“I was in my bedroom when we heard the engines, shuttles screaming through the atmosphere. Someone set off the brushfire sirens. Mom came running up and yelled at me to hide. There was this little crawlspace in my closet, you could see into the room through the vent... Somebody meant to put in ducts but never got around to it, I guess. I got in there, I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but mom was so fucking scared and that scared me shitless. My room looked out over the front yard, I could hear people screaming, then gunshots, then... Our neighbors across the road, we were up in the hills but there were people, they were this older couple, Mrs. Henderson was a teacher like my dad. I saw them push her out the window. I screamed and mom came running back in – she left for a minute – and I was crying and she said Janie, shut up, they'll hear you, and then the front door banged and I heard Dad yelling.

“We didn't have a gun in the house, just kitchen knives. And Dad said no, you won't take her, and then they hit him, I heard it from upstairs. Mom took my baseball bat, I was whispering at her and begging her to hide with me and she was so pissed at me for making noise, and then they were upstairs and I had to shut up. It was Batarian slavers. My mom hit the first one in the head but the second one just stood back and blew her away with his shotgun. Right in the belly.

“She didn't make a sound, just fell down. She was holding her stomach – I could see – fuck. She stayed alive... I don't know how long. They opened the closet and didn't see me, there were bins stacked up so it just looked like a wall, and they went through the rest of the upstairs and then they left. I saw them dragging Dad through the front yard, he was unconscious. I could hear Mom breathing. You know how it is with those big wounds, all bubbly. And her blood in a pool on the damn carpet. I watched her die on my bedroom floor. She had her eyes open the whole time. She probably wasn't aware of anything, probably didn't even know where she was, but I felt like she was staring at me, _willing_ me to hide.

“I don't know how long I stayed there. I heard the shuttles leave but I didn't move for a long time. I kept thinking, Mom would want me to be careful, she would want me to make _sure.”_ Shepard's tears had dried on her cheeks; she stared straight ahead, her body clenched like a fist. Kaidan groped for something to say. He'd read short bios and caught part of a TV spot or two on her – he knew the basics, family killed by Batarian pirates when she was 16, picked up by an Alliance patrol a few days later – but the details, the enormity of it, the horror... There was nothing he could say that could possibly offer her any comfort. Shepard didn't seem to notice his silence; all her focus was turned inward, gathering herself together before going on.

“It must have been a few hours before I got out of there. I stood by Mom for a long time, but I was too scared to touch her. Finally I just went downstairs. There was blood on the living room floor. I left. Mrs. Henderson was dead on her patio. I stole her motorcycle – jumped it and rode into town. The slavers had shot my neighbors' cows. That was my girlfriend's place. Her whole family was gone, even her little sister. I checked when I got back.

“But New Brighton was bad. There were bodies in the street, at the mechanic's, the stores, the restaurants... It was such a mess. They'd shot people's dogs and things. People I knew, dogs I... I found Ed in the fountain by the park. His hands were all cut up like he'd been fighting. Half his head was blown off. I ran away and left him. There was this little kid in there with him, just a toddler. They'd drowned it.

“When I got back I couldn't go in the house. I walked across the field to Leslie's barn. There were dead cows, dead calves, I think they just shot them for fun. I guess some of the screams I heard were animals dying, but it's hard to tell sometimes. There were two still alive, they'd been shut in the barn way at the back, they were stuck behind something. A stall door had fallen, I think. Bad hinge. They were so scared...

“I slept there for two nights. I ate apples and a few carrots and I got water from the spigot out back. I couldn't go back into Leslie's house, not after seeing her room all fucked up. She had letters I wrote her, this fucking dried-up old flower... When the Alliance found me I was hungry and sick and covered in cow shit. It was a burial detail. They were so surprised to find someone alive. I hid when I heard them coming, and then I saw they were human and I burst into tears. They found me because I was up in the hayloft, crying and screaming.

“Being here. Cows and fields and moms and aunts. Having a – a – ” She couldn't say it.

“A family,” Kaidan supplied numbly. Shepard just started to cry again, going limp against his chest, her whole body shuddering, hardly making a sound. Kaidan felt all hollowed out; he held her with weak arms, struggling to catch his breath. _Oh god, if I knew I never would have brought her here. Fuck, fuck. Nothing I could have done would have hurt her worse than this, Jesus, what the fuck did I_ do. _Why didn't I think – a farming colony – Christ._

“They're so great,” Shepard whispered. “I like them so much, Kaidan.” He rocked her, trembling, his cheek on her hair.

“I'm so sorry I brought you down here, love. If I had known how hard it would be for you – ”

“What? No, Kaidan. I thought – I didn't – it was eighteen years ago, dammit! I've been to Earth, hell I've been back to Mindoir – fucking hell. It's just really hitting me...” She forced the words out through her tears.

“Do you want to leave? It's okay, I swear to god. Fuck, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.” Shepard shook her head, face pressed against his chest. Kaidan rubbed her back slowly, feeling sick. _This is all my fault. Shit, shit, shit._

“It's not... I want to stay. I like it here. It's just, being _home._ I haven't had a real one since I was a kid, just fosters and quarters and barracks and shit. I'm scared as shit, Kaidan. Your f-family, _our..._ fuck. I keep seeing it here, I barely know them but I can't stop the – I can't stop fucking _thinking._ Jesus. And me being dead, it just feels inevitable, like it's already happened and I just haven't woken up yet...” She rain out of air and choked on her own terror, crying helplessly.

“Oh sweetheart. I'll keep us safe, I swear.”

“How? Even though I'm – like _this?”_ she sobbed, shrugging her bad shoulder weakly against his chest.

“Shepard, _yes!_ ”Kaidan kissed her forehead, then her mouth, her tears hot on his lips. His own throat felt tight. Her grief shook him badly – even on her worst nights he'd never seen her like this. She always fought back against her helplessness, often in a panic, but she _fought._ He'd never seen her overpowered by fear before; he'd never seen her give up. “It won't happen again, love. It _won't._ No slavers would hit us here, and you and I could take down a shipload of pirates without even breaking a sweat. Hell, you could do it yourself while I got lunch ready.

“You're not a little kid anymore. You're an Alliance Captain and a Council Spectre. You've got more medals than I've ever even _seen._ You faced down a goddamn Reaper, _alone,_ and kicked its ass. We'll keep our family safe, Shepard.”

“Yeah, a lot of fucking good _I_ am in a fight, just a fucking one-handed _cripple._ ”

“An ambidextrous, highly trained, _disabled_ marine, sweetheart. You could drop me with that hand tied behind your back and you know it.”

“If I could get my goddamn leg on before you took me down, you mean.”

“Shepard, I swear to you, if things get bad, the first thing I will do will be to help you get ready for the fight. Okay? I swear. Wherever we are, no matter what, I'll never leave you to hide and watch. I want you fighting at my side every time, love.”

“We said no impossible promises,” she quavered. Her husband cupped her face in his hands, looking down into her teary eyes.

“I meant that one. I swear it, Shepard. You'll never be helpless, not while I'm around. I'm never gonna leave you.” Her face crumpled and he wrapped his arms around her, leaning his cheek into her hair as she shuddered against him.

“I miss them so much sometimes,” she sobbed. Kaidan's eyes filled, thinking of his dad and multiplying the loss a hundredfold. How many times had he imagined it, losing Sal and Amy and his mom, Dana and the boys, to the Reapers? How much time had he spent going crazy with fear and grief at just the thought of it?

“I know. I know, love. I'm sorry. God, I am _so sorry.”_ The tremor in his voice just made her cry harder. Kaidan's tears dropped into her hair as he shut his eyes and rocked her gently. _Maybe there's nothing I can do except grieve with her,_ he thought. _She's been alone with this for too long. I just want to prove to her that she never has to be alone again._ He kissed his wife's temple as she wrapped her arm around his neck.

“I wish I could have met them,” he murmured.

“Me too,” she choked. “God, my dad would have loved you.”

“Oh, Shepard – ” was as far as he got before his voice broke.

“I'm so sorry,” she whispered.

“Yeah... yeah. So am I.”

 


	9. Which is restful and intimate

They slept late, exhausted by the trip and the long night they'd had. Kaidan woke with an aching head and a heavy heart. He lay still for a long time, feeling his wife breathing slow and even beside him. Fatigue and sedatives had gotten her through the night, but now that she was off the heavy painkillers she'd been taking on the Normandy he doubted it would be long before the nightmares returned. He propped himself up on one elbow to look down at Shepard's sleeping face. Her eyes were puffy, but she nestled comfortably against him, her hand open on the pillow, fingers slightly curled. _I wish I could take it all away, the hurt and the loss and the injuries... I wish I could feel it for her. If only I could have kept her safe her from it, from_ any _of it. God, I am so fucking_ angry _at Cerberus and those goddamn pirates and the fucking_ Reapers. _Christ. I want to kill them all again, just for her._ Kaidan would have given almost anything to go back in time right then and there, to protect that scared kid and her family, come blazing in with a ground team and take the slavers out for her, anything to spare her the grief and terror of those memories. He resisted the urge to squeeze her tight, unwilling to wake her.

 _How can I make this trip easier for her?_ Can _I? She says she's glad we came, but I hate seeing her suffer._ Guilt knotted in his chest. _I should have known how rough this would be on her. I could have spared her last night, at least. What did mom say to her? 'Welcome to the family'? God, no wonder she cried after watching her mom die lie like that..._ Kaidan realized he was clenching his fist in the comforter and forced himself to relax, smoothing the quilt carefully. The image of her mom bleeding out in front of her – it made him sick with rage and horror that someone would put her through that, his love, his Shepard, killing a kid's mom in cold blood right before her eyes. _My mother-in-law. Jesus Christ. All my in-laws are dead._ It hit him like a punch in the gut.

 _She's lost too much. God, my wife's an orphan... How many loved ones has she buried?_ Growing up surrounded by family, practically joined at the hip to his twin sister, he couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Shepard to come of age alone. They were pushing forty and he and Sal still talked every year on their birthday.

Shepard shifted and sighed, interrupting her husband's reverie. Her eyes flickered open as he watched. She smiled at the weight of Kaidan's arm around her, and turned to look up at him.

“Good morning,” she murmured. He bent his head to kiss her.

“Good morning, love. How'd you sleep?”

“Okay. I had some weird dreams... You were there. I forget what happened.”

“Good things, I hope.”

“Yeah. How about you?” Her mouth twisted in sympathy as Kaidan's face darkened. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.” She touched his cheek, pressing her lips to his. Kaidan put a hand behind her head, pressing her back into the pillows as he deepened the kiss. Shepard's touch comforted him, chasing off the nighttime ghosts. He hated telling her about his nightmares – he'd passed the morning in an empty cemetery, lowering her coffin into the ground over and over again. This time her family had attended her funeral, three corpses sprawled on the grass at his feet. It was much better to hold her than to dwell on it, when all he really wanted was to feel her warm and living in his arms. Shepard sighed and slipped her arm around his neck, smiling up at him dreamily.

“I love you, babe,” she said.

“I love you too.” Kaidan kissed her forehead. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah. Sad, but... yeah. I was just tired last night, I guess.”

“It's all right to have a hard time with stuff, you know.” She shrugged her good shoulder, her smile going crooked.

“I _was_ tired.”

“You have machismo down to a fine art, love.”

“What? Gross. Who do you think I am, Vega?”

“Nah, you're way too pretty for me to get you guys mixed up.” Shepard cackled.

“Me beating James in a beauty contest? That'll be the day.” Kaidan stroked the pink, puffy scars on her cheek with light fingers.

“You're gorgeous.”

“You're a sweetheart.”

“Have you _ever_ accepted a compliment in your entire life?”

“I was genuinely flattered to hear that you liked my blowjobs.”

“They're objectively – oh, never mind.” Shepard was grinning. “You're just giving me a hard time now, aren't you?”

“C'mere,” she said, pulling his head down and pressing her mouth to his. Kaidan let all his worries slip away as he relaxed into the kiss, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. She snuggled against him, their feet tangling in the blankets. He broke away to look down at her, warm and smiling in his arms. The sun passed over a break in the clouds and golden light streamed in through the window, lighting up the highlights in her hair and turning her skin rosy. His chest was tight with gladness as they lay there, his whole body suffused with a sad and shimmering joy that welled up inside him til he thought he might burst. Shepard cupped his face in her hand, wondering at his glowing smile.

“What's going on in there?” she murmured. Kaidan couldn't put it into words so he just kissed her again, trying to put his all his love and grief and happiness into one embrace. Shepard clung fiercely to her husband, taking comfort in his touch and the feel of his heart beating in time with hers. When at last Kaidan broke the kiss, he was startled to see tears in her eyes.

"Oh, sweetheart, are you okay?"  He cupped her cheek in a careful hand.  Shepard tried to nod and shake her head all at once, smiling as she wept.  Her husband hugged her tight, stroking her hair.  "Do you want to talk about it?" he murmured.  Shepard sniffed, wiping her eyes.

“God, it's just, I'm _home!_ I have a home again. I can't – fuck, why can't I stop crying?” But she was laughing too as he wiped her cheeks dry for her, his face alight.

“Yeah, yeah, you're home, sweetheart. You'll always be home here. We'll stay as long as you want, we can get married under the apple trees and play with our nephews and spend time with our family...”

Shepard answered him with a kiss that knocked him onto his back. Kaidan helped her clamber on top of him, their lips never parting. She was soft and light on his chest, much lighter than she had been before London, but her fingers were just as strong in his hair and her mouth just as hungry on his as it had always been. He groaned a little, grabbing her ass with one hand and pressing her hips against his. Shepard kissed his neck, working her way down toward his shoulder as he trailed his fingers up and down her spine. Her teeth on his skin made him catch his breath and he felt her smile as she bit him again, harder this time.

“God...” He turned her face up so he could kiss her, curling an arm around her waist. She sucked on his lower lip as he slid his hand behind her head, and then her tongue was in his mouth and they were breathing hard together. He drew her down, kissing her jaw, her neck; the feel of his teeth on her shoulder sent a rush of heat down her spine. Shepard rolled her hips against his as Kaidan's fingers dug into her back. Then her mouth was on his again and he was rolling them over, his body a shelter above her as he filled a hand with her thigh and drew her leg up to wrap around his waist. He sucked on her collarbone and she relaxed back into the pillows, her eyes dropping shut.

Shepard slid her hand down Kaidan's side, searching for his cock with delicate fingers. He caught her wrist, kissing her palm with a smile before laying her hand on the pillow. Something in his face made her surrender, or maybe it was the warmth of his lips on her belly as he disappeared under the covers. A thrill of excitement ran through her as he parted her thighs, and the first caress of his mouth on her pussy drew a soft moan from her lips. Pleasure washed over her, warm and slow as the morning sun on her bare breasts, making her eyelashes flutter and her fingers curl in the sheets. He tickled her clitoris with a gentle tongue, delighting in the tremors he sent through her body and the whimpers he could hear catching in her throat.

Shepard arched herself up against his mouth, panting, but Kaidan already held her hips, her skin soft under his palms as he pressed her back down onto the mattress. He stroked her lightly, taking his time as he worked his way up to the pressure he knew she craved. She was choking back moans and pleas now, lower lip clamped between her teeth as he teased her. But he pressed harder and harder, his soft tongue sending ecstasy spiraling through her body. A faint cry escaped her as he sucked slowly at her pussy, his mouth hot and wet against her. His tongue played over her clitoris and she arched her back.

“Oh god, oh fuck,” she gasped, and just like that he pulled away from her. Shepard fought down a wail, but Kaidan was pushing up through the blankets to lie on top of her again, suppressing her objections with a hungry kiss. She had just enough time to rasp out _“Please”_ before he was reaching down between between her legs again to slip his aching cock inside her.

She gasped as his thrust sent pleasure roaring into her. Kaidan's eyes were hot on her face as he took her hand and dragged it down, pressing her fingers against her clitoris. He didn't need to speak; Shepard began to touch herself as he moved over her, the rhythmic caress of his cock like a rising tide inside her. It took her a moment to adjust to the touch of seemingly inadequate fingers after the exquisite bliss of his mouth on her pussy, but at last she managed to coax the little spark of pleasure there to a delicate flame. Kaidan watched her eyes flutter shut and her breath quicken as her pussy tightened around him; he fucked her steadily, excitement thrumming in his veins as his wife's back arched beneath him, her hand moving rapidly against his belly as she pleasured herself.

“Fuck,” she breathed. Kaidan's only answer was a soft moan as he thrust deep into her, just to watch her struggle not to scream. He could feel her fingers rubbing quick and hard against her pussy, and found himself gasping in time with his own thrusts as she flexed and trembled around his cock.

“God – right there – ” Her whisper rippled over his skin like an electric current.

“Shepard – ” He couldn't have stopped if he'd wanted to, his body locked into her rhythm. The friction of her tight, wet pussy and the ecstasy in her face opened him up from the inside out so all he could do was breathe with her, coupled to the arc of her pleasure as though they were one creature. She seemed to hang on the brink for eternity, her climax drawing nearer ripple by tiny ripple. She gasped with each thrust of Kaidan's cock, feeling his touch inside her like a heartbeat. The pressure of him on her most secret, sensitive parts nudged her closer and closer until at last her body gave in.

Shepard came like the tide, a slow, rhythmic rush of bliss pouring over her, white and cool and blinding. Through the buffeting waves of pleasure she clung to Kaidan, and he held her, warm and steady, crushing her with a kiss as he saw her losing her battle to keep from screaming, and then it was over. She lay helpless in his arms, momentarily exhausted, her limbs draped loosely around him as she flushed soft and warm. Kaidan kissed her again, laying himself down on top of her like a shelter, his cock still deep inside her as he held his own pleasure in check. Shepard returned his kiss gently, curling her fingers in his hair.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispered.

“I love you too – _ah – ”_ She tensed as he thrust himself deep into her. Kaidan could feel her body responding to his cock as he lay pressed against her. Slowly he fucked her, then faster, harder, sending her spinning out into ecstasy again, deaf and blind, biting hard at her lip to keep quiet under him. The flex and pull of her muscles sent pleasure rising around him til they were drowning in it together, her body trembling beneath him as he held her close, lost in the feel of his desire and the softness of her skin.

He came with a groan, burying his face in her shoulder to muffle the sound, his hands clenching in the sheets. Shepard received him gladly, her body one blissful ache as his cock shuddered inside her. She cradled him as he relaxed against her with a sigh, his lips soft on her neck. She kissed his shoulder, comfort rippling over them both, warm and golden as the sun on Kaidan's skin. He turned her head with a gentle thumb and pressed his mouth to hers, delighting in the touch of her lips and the way she fit so perfectly against him. Shepard deepened the kiss, trying to pour all her love for him into a single caress, and Kaidan met her with equal passion, slipping a hand behind her head, his heart full of things he needed no words to say. They held each other for a long time, bodies intertwined under the blankets as the noontime sun shone down on them like a blessing. At last Shepard kissed Kaidan's neck with a smile, squirming a little under him.

“What's up, love?” She wrinkled her nose at him, eyes dancing.

“I have to pee.” Kaidan laughed and sat up, leaning over the edge of the bed to grab her leg for her.

“Here – ” She was already out of her splint and waiting for him. He helped her slip into her prosthetic with a smile, admiring her lithe body and the surety of her movements. Her scars only made her look stronger to him, his exquisite wife, so delicate and mighty. Shepard smiled at him as she rose, leaning on the dresser to put on her arm as Kaidan got up to get her a robe. He draped the soft flannel around her shoulders, kissing the back of her neck.

“I'm done with splints tomorrow,” she said, leaning against him. He wrapped his arms around her, trapping her in the bathrobe. Shepard wriggled, laughing, her arms pinned against her sides.

“You get your hand back.” Kaidan nuzzled her.

“Not if you don't let me move, I don't.” He growled into her neck as she struggled, delighted. _I don't think I've_ ever _heard her giggle before,_ he thought, surprised and gratified. “Goddamn it, I have to _pee!_ So unless you want me to just do it right here – ” He released her, laughing.

“Okay, okay.” She tugged her bathrobe on and tied it, mock-glaring at her husband over her shoulder. He caught her around the waist and kissed her before giving her a gentle shove toward the door.

“Go on, old lady. I'll go see about breakfast.”

“Not like that, I hope.” She raised an eyebrow at his nakedness.

“Oh, now, in _this_ house...”

“Oh my god, stop!” Shepard fled. Kaidan had to sit down on the bed and laugh helplessly for a minute before he could get up and dig through his suitcase for some sweats to wear downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm a wreck and got sucked into the angst hole. It's hard to motivate yourself to edit fluff when you're in the angst hole lmao


	10. In which we take comfort

The house was quiet. Shepard and Kaidan found Sal in the kitchen, alone with her coffee and a chicken sandwich.

“Afternoon,” she said with a small smile. Kaidan punched her lightly on the shoulder on his way to the coffeepot.

“Hey. Where is everybody?” He handed Shepard her mug and leaned on the counter beside her.

“Mom's upstairs reading or something. The boys are outside with Dana. Amy swiped your car to 'run errands.'” Sal's dry air-quotes made Shepard grin into her coffee.

“Little thief. She just wants to go for a drive.”

“Mm,” Sal assented around a mouthful of lunch.

“I hope she runs a few, at least,” Shepard said, peering into the fridge.

“Why? Oh.” Kaidan was leaning over her shoulder, frowning at the last three eggs.

“Two biotics in one house. Does mom know?” Sal sipped her coffee.

“Wait, not three?” Shepard was perplexed.

“Nah. Meat boy here was first in line for the placenta or something.”

“Nice to have two livers.”

“Mm. Anyway, I can't do anything.”

“No, no, check this out. She's a biotic wonder.” Kaidan straightened, reaching for an old shopping list. Sal rolled her eyes.

“I haven't even finished my coffee,” she muttered, but she was pushing her dishes aside. “Let's see if I can still do it.”

Kaidan crumpled the scrap of paper into a ball and lined up his shot as Sal rolled her shoulders and shook out her hands. Shepard leaned on the counter, enjoying their showmanship. They both wore the same half-smile, she noted with glee. Kaidan raised his eyebrows at his sister, rocking the ball of paper in his hand. Sal spread her fingers, her face intent. The shopping list sailed across the gap between them in a perfect arc. Kaidan whooped as his sister caught it and held it hovering between her palms in a shimmering, blue matrix of pure energy.

“Here, wait – ” She swiveled carefully on her stool, bracing her feet as she faced the trash can by the door. Shepard found herself holding her breath as Sal cocked her wrists and launched the wad of paper out of her tiny mass effect field with a grunt. The shopping list rattled into the garbage and Shepard had to put down her coffee to applaud. Sal gave a mocking half-bow from her seat, shooting them an amused look under dark brows.

“Man, I haven't seen you do that trick in _years,”_ said Kaidan, grinning. Sal shrugged.

“Not much occasion without you around. I make my fingers light up for the boys sometimes, when I've got the juice.” She took a large bite of her sandwich.

“I don't know if I could do it. Not with paper,” Shepard said. “Maybe with a big rock.”

“Outside,” Kaidan put in.

“No kidding. That's a hell of a routine you guys have got there.”

“Thanks. We worked it out in grade school,” said Sal.

“I can't do it either, though. I've tried. Remember that time I vaporized all the printer paper?” Sal chuckled.

“Mom still talks about that.”

“Believe me, I know.”

“She was so pissed.”

“'One _hundred_ percent efficient recycling and you _atomize_ a _ream – '_ ” Everyone laughed at his impression of Cady. It was unmistakable, even to Shepard. “All right, let's see about breakfast.” Kaidan turned back to the fridge as Shepard located the breadbox and put down some toast. Sal had finished her sandwich and taken her coffee outside by the time they sat down with eggs and bacon, ham and toast and cheese.

“You know what we need? _Beans,”_ Kaidan said.

“Beans for _breakfast?”_

“Oh sweetheart, there's so much stuff you gotta try.” Shepard shook her head, thinking that beans sounded like a pretty dismal breakfast food.

“I'll take your word for it.” Her husband just laughed, pressing her thigh before turning back to his eggs.

 

~~~

 

“How's mom holding up?” Kaidan and Sal were alone on the porch. It was late afternoon and their shadows were long against the house, the sun sinking steadily behind the mountains. They both leaned against the railing, their posture identical as they gazed out into the trees.

“She's doing okay, I think. It was rough on her when dad reported for duty. She didn't try to stop him or anything, but...” Sal gave a lop-sided shrug. “And then when we heard he was MIA, it hit her hard. It probably helps a lot having us all here. She needs family right now.”

“Yeah.” He looked down, cleaning his nails more for something to do than because they needed it.

“How are you doing?” Sal asked quietly. Kaidan sighed.

“I've been worse. Been a hell of a lot better, too.” She was quiet, giving him space to think. “This was a bad war. God, London was a mess. I thought we'd lost Shepard there for a bit – hell, we all did. Still can't believe she survived that explosion.”

“That superweapon, right? The Crucible?”

“Yeah. She detonated it herself. Alone.”

“Her injuries look like they were pretty serious.”

“Dr. Chakwas worked a goddamn miracle, saving her.” He braced his hands on the railing, needing something to hang onto.

“I'm glad,” Sal said. Kaidan shut his eyes for a moment.

“Me too. Christ. I was with her on the ground, right up until the very end when a goddamn Reaper came down right on top of us.”

“Jesus.”

“Bastard almost got me, but Shepard called in an evac. Flying out of there... I never thought I'd see her alive again. That was what stuck with me, you know? Not the fight, not the fucking airstrikes, not having an exploding tank dropped on my head. All my nightmares are about losing her. It's ironic, huh. The one thing that didn't happen is the thing I can't shake.” Sal thought for a moment.

“Fear's a stupid thing,” she said. “Dana and I had... some trouble getting up here, did mom tell you?”

“No.”

“Guess it was all over before you got back in touch. She was out of her mind worrying about everybody.” Kaidan grimaced. It had been weeks before he'd been able to get a message through to his frantic family. “But she probably just didn't want to distract you since we all made it out okay.”

“What happened?”

“We got separated in Prince George. I was out trying to buy gas when the Reapers hit. Robin was with me, he was bored of the shelter... But by the time we got back, it was rubble and Dana and Joseph were gone.”

“Oh my god.”

“I was just standing there staring at this smashed-up building, trying to hide Robin's eyes from the dead bodies, and all I could think was, I had her phone... She'd borrowed my jacket the day before and forgot it in my pocket. Not that I would've been able to call her anyway, with the satellites down. But it had all her photos on it.

“It took us almost a week to find her and Joseph – they'd gotten on a different transport out of the city during the attack was all. We said we'd keep heading north if anything happened, meet up at the orchard if worst came to worst. Robin and I caught a truck on its way out of town, it was good of those folks to stop for us. But Dana and Joseph had gotten on a shuttle from the shelter right before it got hit. We caught up with them in Aveline,” she said, naming a small town just a few hours south of the farm.

“I felt so stupid, the only thing I could think of to say when I saw her was, I've got your pictures. Then I just started crying.” Kaidan rested a hand on his sister's shoulder. “I'd been lying awake at night worrying about them, in a refugee camp somewhere or god forbid picking through the rubble without even a family photo to look at.” She shook her head.

“You're brave, Kaidan. I couldn't even face the thought that they might have died in the attack. I would have fallen apart. I kept telling Robin that they were okay. Christ, I was so relieved when it turned out to be true. Seeing them again was the first time I admitted to myself that I'd almost lost them.” Kaidan squeezed her shoulder and then let go.

“That was different. Your wife and son... I can't even imagine.”

“I can't imagine getting on with your work _knowing_ that the woman you loved was dead. It must have killed you.”

“It did. But I didn't have a choice.”

“Seems like the goddamn Reapers made a lot of choices for all of us, this last year.”

“More than a year. Murdering fucking scum.”

They stood together for awhile as the shadows lengthened, letting the silence settle in around them. _It's peaceful out here,_ Kaidan thought. It was one of the things he liked best about the orchard. The quiet and the solitude calmed him, the familiarity of the house and the shapes of the trees and mountains that hadn't changed a bit in his whole life. _Thank god the Reapers didn't touch this place. That would have been horrible._ Beside him, his sister shifted.

“There's something I've been meaning to show you. We put up a headstone for dad out in the orchard. By the old tree,” she said.

“Really?”

“We had a memorial service a few weeks after we got the call. I think mom needed a little time to accept that he wasn't coming back.”

“I'm gonna go out there.”

“Want company?” Kaidan looked at the apple trees.

“Yeah,” he said.

It wasn't a headstone, not really. It was a big rock from the stream behind the house, roughly oblong, worn smooth on one side by the running water. It stood beside the oldest tree in the orchard, a gnarled specimen that no longer bore good fruit. Their dad had refused to cut it down, though, saying only that it had earned its retirement. It was a good tree to climb up into and sit and think, or read, or eat apples and talk. His kind of tree. His dad's kind of tree.

“This is a good place for it,” Kaidan said.

“We thought so.” The stone bore a simple inscription, carefully engraved with a stencil and laser chisel:

 

Col. John Mikhailo Alenko

2119 – 2187

 

_And now these three remain:_

_Faith, Hope, and Love._

_But the greatest of these is Love._

 

 _1 Corinthians,_ Kaidan thought. His father hadn't been a religious man, but he'd kept an old sampler that Kaidan's grandmother had embroidered hanging over the bed at their house back in Vancouver. It was a long one, the stitches small and fine, as it bore the entirety of chapter 13, bordered in stars and blooming jasmine. He doubted it had survived the attack on the city.

Someone had cut sunflowers and lilac from the garden and laid them by the stone. It must have been a few days ago: the blossoms were beginning to wilt. He could see old lily petals scattered on the grass there too, and a desiccated bunch of violets, doubtless picked by his nephews. He and Sal stood side by side, hands in their pockets, looking down at the little memorial. The only sound was the soft _hush_ of wind in the trees.

“I miss him,” Kaidan said.

“It's too bad he's not here. He'd be having a field day right now, with Shepard around.”

“God, he would have adored her.”

“Having someone new to pick on would have sweetened the deal. Your wife, no less.”

“I never would have heard the end of marrying her without him and mom there.”

“Remember the fit he pitched when I wouldn't let him give me away at my wedding?” Kaidan chuckled.

“Christ. I think he just did that for fun.” Sal smiled crookedly.

“Me too.”

“He could be such a pain in the ass.”

“Old bastard.”

“I just wish – ” Kaidan had to stop and clear his throat. “I wish I could have said goodbye.” He covered his eyes with one hand as tears rolled down his cheeks. “I loved him so much, Sal.” She wrapped an arm around her brother's shoulders.

“Yeah. Yeah, so did I.”

 

~~~

 

It was dark by the time they got back to the house. Shepard and Dana were in the kitchen, talking and making salad while the potatoes boiled. Kaidan could smell venison roasting. He paused in the doorway as Sal went to give her wife a kiss on the cheek.

“ – and I'm hauling him back to the shuttle, covered in blood and _stinking_ , and all he says is, 'Anybody got something to eat?'” Dana threw back her head and laughed. “All krogan are insane, I swear.” Shepard shook her head.

“I gotta meet this guy,” Dana said.

“Grunt's worth meeting. There are a few krogan I respect as much, but I've only ever known one I respected more.” Her face darkened. “You would have liked her.”

“Would have?”

“She passed.”

“I'm sorry.” Dana sliced a few cherry tomatoes in silence. “You don't hear a lot about krogan women. What was she like?”

“Brave. Wise. Mighty. I've never met anyone like her. It was an honor just being in her presence.”

“That's high praise.”

“You heard about the genophage?”

“You cured it, didn't you?”

“ _She_ did. I was just ground support.”

“What was her name?” Shepard smiled sadly at her cutting board.

“I don't know,” she said. Then she glanced over at the salad bowl and saw him. “Hey, Kaidan.” Shepard set down her knife and came to him, putting a hand on his arm, her eyes asking if he was okay. He drew her out into the foyer, and she hugged him in the relative privacy of the dark hall. Kaidan held on tight, eyes closed, leaning on her a little.

“Want to talk?” she murmured.

“No, I'm okay. I just...” He gave her a squeeze. “Thanks.” She gripped his shoulder in silent sympathy.

“Can I get you anything?” He smiled sadly.

“Just a kiss.” Shepard stood on tiptoe to press her lips to his; Kaidan sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck, her body warm and soft against him. _And the greatest of these is love,_ he thought, and laughed at himself for thinking it. _She'd call me a sentimental asshole if I said anything._ Yes, she and his father would have gotten along very well. A few more clinging kisses and he drew back to look down at his wife. She gave him a small smile.

“You should get back in there before something boils over.”

“I think Dana's got it pretty well under control.”

“Go finish the salad then. I'll be right there.”

“Okay,” she said, and left him alone with a kiss still warm on his lips. Kaidan stood there in the dark for a moment, listening to the conversation in the kitchen, before he ducked into the bathroom to wash his face. _God, I'm so glad Shepard made it through this fucking war. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't come back to me._ His reflection's eyes were tired, sad, and very much alive. _You would have loved her, dad,_ he thought, and tried on a smile. It didn't feel too bad. Time to see what everyone was up to. He opened the door and laughter flooded in. Robin and Joseph where at the kitchen island, chattering. His older nephew saw him coming and grinned.

“Uncle Kaidan!”

“Uncle Kaidan!”

“Uncle Kaidan!” Dana cried, throwing up her arms, and he joined in his family's laughter as he went to them.

 

~~~

 

_Someone had set off the brushfire sirens._

_“You have to hide!” Cady stood in her bedroom doorway._

_“What? Mom – ”_

_“Get in your cubbyhole! I'll cover it. Dammit Janie, they're coming!”_

_“Who?”_

_“The Reapers! Christ, Janie, get_ in!” _She was to big to fit behind the vent in her bedroom now – even at sixteen it had been a tight squeeze, for all her scrawniness. But Cady piled up the bins to hide her just the same._

Bang.

_“No! You won't take her – ” Whump. Clicking on the stairs. Cady picked up the baseball bat, and then the door exploded into flame, bursting open with a roar. She fell dead, her flesh burned clean away by the ravager's blast._

_Shepard staggered off the motorcycle, running toward the scrap of hunter plaid she saw over the rim of the fountain. Sure enough, there was Kaidan, half his face blown off, and Robin and Joseph floated dead beside him with Reaper tech glinting in their open eyes. She turned to flee and tripped over Amy's body, lying in the grass at her feet._ But I didn't even have a sister, _she thought numbly, her hands black with blood._

 

Shepard jerked awake. _Fuck, is this real? Am I still dreaming?_ Kaidan was warm beside her, breathing deep and even. The moon still shone outside, nearly full, no Reapers to obscure it, and the stars twinkled reassuringly between the clouds. She sagged against the headboard, weak with relief. The nightmare was over.

A soft sound from the hall made her twitch. What was it? The wind? No, too rhythmic. Shepard realized she was listening to a child crying. For a moment she was afraid to move, terrified of what she might see outside her door. _Dammit Shepard, they're just dreams. Go check on your nephew._ She put her leg on in the dark and headed out into the hall, tugging her sweats on straight. She could just make out the shadow of a little boy with a wild tangle of hair, crouched by the window at the far end of hallway, shaking.

“Joseph?” she said softly. He caught his breath, and then he was flying toward her, obviously terrified. Shepard knelt just in time to catch him as he flung himself at her. She wrapped her good arm around him, rocking him slowly as he buried his face in her shoulder, grabbing two little fistfuls of her shirt. “It's okay, it's okay.” The singsong of her voice seemed to soothe him. “What's the matter?”

“There were monsters. They hurt Robin and mama,” he whispered.

“They're safe. No monsters here,” she said, chest tight with sympathy.

“They came from space. What if they come back? They just flew down out of the _sky.” Boy, do I know how you feel, kid._

“They can't come back. I blew them up.”

“ _All_ of them?”

“Every single one.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” _I made damn sure. It's the only way I ever get any sleep at night. Fucking hell._

“What if you missed one?”

“Then if it comes, I'll blow it up too.”

“How?”

“Same way I did all the others. Shoot 'em in their weak spot and down they go.”

“What about the things they send to attack people? Those zombies?” Here she was on firmer ground.

“I eat those suckers for breakfast.”

“They have so _many.”_

“I've fought whole armies of them before. Me and your uncle, we blew them all away.”

“What if they're here right _now,_ and they're hiding until we go back to sleep?”

“Then they'll have to get through me.” Shepard clenched her fist against his back, putting up a barrier around them. The air rippled as her biotics illuminated the empty hallway. “See? There's nothing here. And if there was, it wouldn't be able to get to us.” Joseph looked around them, awed by the shimmering bubble guarding them from the dark. He reached out and touched it, flattening his palm against the mass effect field, and found it solid as stone when he pushed. “I'll keep you safe, and your brother, and your moms.”

“And gramma and Aunt Amy and Uncle Kaidan?”

“Yes. I swear. No monsters will ever hurt you guys while I'm around.” The child wrapped his arms around her neck.

“Okay,” he whispered. Shepard smiled, letting her barrier dissipate.

“Okay.” The little boy sighed as the hallway darkened. “You want me to walk you to your room?” He shook his head. “Your moms' room?” Joseph thought for a moment, then nodded. Shepard rose, offering him her hand, and together they made their way down the hall. He opened the door to Sal and Dana's room quietly, and she felt him relax against her leg as he saw them fast asleep in their bed. But he didn't let go of her hand to crawl under the covers with them, as she'd expected. Instead he looked up at her.

“Auntie Shepard, can I sleep with you tonight?” She had to call upon her deepest reserves of iron self-control to keep from tearing up.

“Of course,” she managed. Her voice wasn't even hoarse. Shepard allowed herself a hint of pride at that as she led him into her and Kaidan's room. Joseph woke her husband as he scrambled into bed.

“Shepard?” Kaidan mumbled, trying to remember when his wife had gotten so small.

“Joseph's staying with us tonight,” she said, sitting down and fumbling with her leg, trying to get it off by touch under her sweats.

“Really? Is everything okay?”

“I had a bad dream, but Auntie Shepard says she'll keep us safe from the monsters.”

“She sure will,” said Kaidan. Her leg had proved easier to slip off than she'd expected. Shepard propped the prosthetic against her bedside table and Kaidan sat up to help her under the covers. Joseph snuggled against her the moment she lay down.

“Uncle Kaidan, is Auntie Shepard the strongest biotic in the whole _world?”_ Kaidan chuckled, tucking his nephew in.

“Not quite. She's strong for a human, though.”

“Stronger than you?”

“I don't know. Maybe.” Shepard smiled. _Doubt it._ She was faster, but Kaidan's biotics had _force._

“Did you really fight a whole army of monsters with her?” Her husband laughed.

“A few times, yeah.”

“Did she keep you safe?” Kaidan reached out, touching her cheek gently in the dark.

“Yeah, she did,” he said. Shepard pressed her lips to his palm. Joseph sighed deeply, his head pillowed on her shoulder.

“Good,” he mumbled, already half-asleep. Kaidan draped an arm over them both, giving her hip a gentle squeeze through the blankets.

“Goodnight,” he said.

“G'night.” Joseph's only reply was the tiniest of snores.

Sal found them in the morning, her son nestled between his aunt and uncle, all three of them fast asleep. _I can't wait to hear this story,_ she thought, and went downstairs to fix breakfast, smiling and shaking her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think things are winding down in this fic. Should be done in 4 more chapters, tops. I'm not planning on ending the series with this story though, I have a few more ideas...


	11. In which life goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm a hot mess at the best of times but I've been super sick this week. I meant to have a new chapter up a few days ago but the death plague had other plans. So here's a late update. I have some more material waiting for me to edit it up - hopefully that'll go fast and I can have another chapter up soon.

October stretched out her arms and swept the family up in a blaze of fall colors and sunshine. They brought a lot of apples in, drying some, pressing some, eating some, trading some to neighbors for firewood or meat or milk or eggs or, on one memorable occasion, a kitten. Cady said the mice were getting out of hand in the shed and bought the little calico from Todd Mitchell, who owned the farm over the hill, for the price of an extra bushel. Robin somewhat optimistically named the tiny creature Hunter, but everyone else just followed Amy's lead and called her Pointy, which she certainly was. Shepard and Kaidan _did_ try Sal's trick, outside, with a big rock, and ended up playing a little biotic tennis to the lasting delight of the boys and Cady's absolute horror. Kaidan got to introduce his wife to beans on toast, which she did not like, and cider, which she took to with an enthusiasm surpassing his wildest expectations. She and Amy repaired a section of the orchard fence damaged by a falling branch; Dana taught her to play backgammon.   One laundry day, Amy discovered that Shepard and Kaidan had not one, not two, but _three_ of the same button-down shirts and spent the next week making fun of them for it.

Communications on Earth might have been damaged, but they were not entirely down.  News made its way to them from around the solar system.  The fleets got the Sol relay up and running again – well, more or less – and aliens began to head home in a slow but grateful trickle; Allers' segment on EDI aired. Garrus managed to get a message through the battered remains of Earth's extranet to say that he was headed back to Menae to coordinate relief efforts for the Primacy, but would expect lots of holos from Shepard's wedding – _especially of you in that fluffy white dress, or whatever it is._ When she showed Kaidan the email on her omni-tool, he just laughed and kissed her short-cropped hair.

“He does have a point though.”

“About the _dress?_ You asshole.” Kaidan chuckled, wrapping his arm tighter around her shoulders. They were curled up together on the couch in the living room, enjoying a few quiet hours together after dinner. Pointy was fast asleep on Kaidan's thigh, her paws in the air.

“No, about the wedding.” He pointed to an earlier line in Garrus's message: _Have you set a date yet? I thought you two were gonna get right on that._ “We should plan it, eh?” Shepard shrugged.

“What's to plan? _Besides_ setting a date, I mean. We won't have too many invitations to send out this time.” She tilted her head to look up at him quizzically. “Will we?”

“No, but we ought to go over the guest list sometime.”

“I don't have anyone to put on it. Who are you inviting?”

“There are some folks up here who've known my family a long time. You haven't met all of them. I'm not sure who made it through the war. Guess we'll see.” Kaidan sighed. Shepard took his hand, lacing their fingers together; he rubbed her thumb with his. They sat in silence for a long moment, but their reverie was unceremoniously interrupted by a disgruntled kitten who had been awoken by the injudicious application of Kaidan's elbow to her personal space. She tottered off his lap with an offended look and promptly fell off the couch, ruining her dignity. The humans' laughter subsided quickly, but they both felt better for it.

“Do you still want to do rings?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah, if we can get them.” She leaned her head on his shoulder.

“I think there's a jeweler down in Aveline we could try.”

“Should we go tomorrow? Just to see if they have anything.”

“It's gonna be tough to find fine jewelry right now, I bet.”

“How fine does it have to _be?”_

“Excuse me. I don't mean to eavesdrop, but are you two talking about rings?” Cady poked her head through the doorway that lead to the kitchen.

“Yeah. Why?” Kaidan said.

“I've got a set – they belonged to your father's parents. Would you be interested?” His eyes lit.

“Yeah! I mean – ” He gave Shepard a hopeful look. She squeezed his hand.

“Definitely,” she said.

They were a matched pair, two heavy gold bands stuffed into a single velvet box. There were Cyrillic letters etched into the inside of each ring, the engraving worn down with a lifetime of wear, but still visible. Kaidan turned one of them between his fingers, catching the light in the writing. Cady sat in one of the armchairs across from the couch, delight in every line of her body.

“What does it say?” he asked.

“It's Ukrainian. I don't know how to pronounce it, but it means _forever,”_ his mother said.

“This one, too?” He picked the smaller ring out of the box gingerly.

“Yeah.”

“No engagement ring?” Shepard asked, not disappointed in the least.

“Hanna said they were sexist and antiquated,” Cady said, grinning. Kaidan laughed aloud.

“That sounds like grandma.”

“Your grandfather liked to tell that story. He said he offered, they could both have one if she wanted, and _she_ said she was damned if she was paying for four rings.”

“Nice,” Shepard said.

“Do you want one?” Kaidan asked. She shrugged one shoulder.

“I don't really go in much for gems. Besides, we were engaged for what, a week?”

“Two. Are you sure?”

“Is it important to you that I have one?” she said, raising her eyebrows.

“No! God, I don't care. I was just... checking.” Shepard smiled, nudging him a little.

“What stone would you get me? Really.” Her husband opened his mouth, then shut it again, frowning. “See? Like I said. I'm too butch for all that sparkly shit.” Kaidan grinned.

“Okay, true.” Cady shook her head at them, obviously amused. “What?”

“Nothing.”

_“What?”_

“You're a cute couple, that's all.” Kaidan laughed a little, massaging his eyes as Shepard blushed.

“Thanks,” he said dryly.

“You're welcome, honey. Anyway, if you don't want to use those rings that's fine, but they're here if you'd like.”

“Well, it's probably tough to find new ones these days,” Shepard said without thinking. There was a pause as everyone refused to consider the source of secondhand wedding rings in the wake of the terrible invasion Earth had just survived.

“So, do they fit?” Cady prompted, breaking the silence hurriedly. Kaidan blinked.

“Oh.” He turned to Shepard, taking the smaller ring and slipping it onto her finger. Their eyes met, and she collapsed into giggles when the band stuck at her second knuckle.

“That was almost a moment there,” she hooted.

“So close.” Kaidan smiled, his eyes warm on her face.

“My turn,” Shepard said. She picked up his ring from the coffee table and tried it on him left-handed, still uncertain of her prosthetic when it came to gripping something so small and smooth. It went on neatly. She stroked the wide band with a fingertip, her chest a little tight.

“It's too big,” Kaidan murmured, but he made no move to take it off, wrapping his hands around hers instead. Shepard smiled up at him and he leaned down to kiss her softly. Cady sniffed and the couple looked up to see tears in her eyes.

“Mom, you okay?” Kaidan reached out to take her hand.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm just so happy!” She fanned herself. “My boy, finally getting married. Oh!” Cady leaned across the coffee table to hug them both at once.

“Aw mom. You just wanted another daughter,” Kaidan joked. She gave a little chuckle and squeezed Shepard tight.

“He always sees right through me, Jane,” she confided. Shepard shut her eyes and leaned her head on Cady's shoulder, feeling jarringly _okay_ again for the first time in what seemed like centuries.

 

~~~

 

_“I will always love you,” she said. “Always.” And his eyes burned and his throat closed up as she turned away, and he watched as she sprinted down the slope and rejoined that final, frantic surge of bodies headed for the conduit, and –_

_And then the Reaper shrieked again._

_The sound seemed to hang in the air, palpable,_ heavy, _forcing him to his knees as the beam came down. Kaidan saw her, he_ saw _her caught in the blast, flung back toward him on the gangway of the Normandy, poised halfway up the wall of the crater, her fingers stretching out to him even as they disintegrated into ash, her voice on the comm torn with pain and regret, screaming out one bitter apology for her last and greatest failure:_

“Kaidan!”

 

He jerked awake, heart pounding in his ears, gasping for breath. _Shit, that was bad._ Kaidan rolled over, too shaken to worry about whether his wife was asleep or not as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close. But Shepard didn't stir; she mumbled no sleepy complaint or inquiry. He tipped her face toward his with gentle fingers to find her lips parted, eyes open, pupils blown, staring blankly past him, cheek cold against his palm, skin still where a pulse should have fluttered in her throat. The shock hit him so hard he couldn't even draw breath to call her name.

 

Kaidan fell out of bed. It was landing that woke him, the _wham_ of striking hardwood shoulder-first. He lay panting for a moment, disoriented, struggling to reconcile the nightmare with his confused view of floor and furniture legs. He put a hand flat on the floor and lifted his head and it all clicked into place. Kaidan thrust himself upright, ignoring the pain in his shoulder and bruising his elbow on the bedside table in his haste.

She wasn't in bed. _Oh shit, god, fuck, am I still dreaming?_ His head whipped back and forth, sleep-fogged eyes searching the dark room for any sign of his wife. Her prostheses were gone, her blankets turned back, her pillow cold to the touch. Kaidan scrambled to his feet.

“Shepard?” His whisper was harsh with fear. She didn't answer. He gritted his teeth and went to open the bedroom door, stomping hard on his rising panic. _Goddamn it, they're just nightmares. You've been through this before. Just – fuck._ The dreams after Jump Zero had been different. Vyrrnus had been dead, and, well, that had been rough on him, but it had made the night terrors a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

He peered down the hall. A sliver of yellow light laid itself across the rug like a beacon.

“Shepard?” he said softly. A rustle from the bathroom answered him.

“In here.” The voice was hoarse, but it was hers. Kaidan was in the doorway almost before she'd finished speaking. Shepard sat on the edge of the tub, prostheses on, wrapped in one of his shirts. She looked up at him with eyes puffy from crying, her elbows still braced on her bare knees as though she might put her face back in her hands once she got done saying hello. Relief surged through him, sweet and terrible. She was safe. Shepard was safe. _Thank god, thank god._

“Why are you up?” she asked.

“Bad dreams.” He came to kneel on the mat in front of her, putting his hands on her thighs. Her skin was warm under his fingers. Shepard nodded, squeezing his shoulders.

“Me too.”

“Are you okay?” Kaidan's voice didn't shake, which surprised him. His wife's mouth twisted and he reached up, taking her hands. She let him chafe a little warmth into her fingers.

“Not really.” But she wouldn't meet his eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shepard gave a lop-sided shrug.

“Not much to say. Just Cerberus. Again.” She forced the words out through gritted teeth. His heart ached at the bitterness in her eyes.

Shepard looked down at him, weariness gnawing at her. _What could I say, babe?_ Her night had been a maze of false awakenings, swimming up into consciousness on Miranda's slab over and over again, only sometimes it was Dr. Chakwas who obeyed the slim biotic's order to deliver another dose of sedative, and sometimes it was Dr. Chakwas telling off the med tech with her mouth in an angry line, and sometimes... sometimes it was Kaidan who pushed her back onto the operating table, those sweet brown eyes cold as he looked her over, his husky voice harsh through the pain that hammered down her every nerve. _Shepard, lie still, don't try to move._ She put her good hand on her husband's neck, feeling his heartbeat under her palm. _No, it was just a dream. Just a dream. Fuck. They took so much from me Kaidan, but they won't take you. They'll never take you._ He looked tense, worried – no, shaken. _Bad dreams, huh. What did you live through tonight, love?_

“I'm sorry, sweetheart,” he said, and held out his arms. Shepard more or less fell into his embrace, making him grunt at the impact, but he caught her and hugged her against his chest. She was curled up awkwardly, half-kneeling in his lap, her feet pressed against the bathtub. It was uncomfortable, but she was too upset to care. Kaidan tried to shift her into a better position but she wrapped her arms around his neck and hung on tight, not letting him move her. He sighed and rubbed her back, leaning his cheek against her hair.

“I love you,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

“I love you too, Shepard. I love you so much. I wish there was something I could do to help.” She squeezed him tighter; Kaidan winced as her prosthetic dug into his neck, but he voiced no objection.

“Thank you,” she said nonsensically. After a moment she relaxed her grip.

“Come on. This floor's pretty uncomfortable. Let's go back to bed, what do you say?” Shepard sniffed.

“Okay.” But she made no move to rise. Kaidan felt her jaw clench against his neck; she seemed to be gathering herself together for the journey down the hall. Fury at Cerberus poured through him. _They hurt her, god, my wife,_ my _Shepard – damn them all to hell._ She sighed, breaking his train of thought. He looked down at her, hunched up in his lap and clutching at him like a lifeline, obviously scared but warm and safe. _Thank god she's okay, thank fucking god._ He shifted his grip, drawing her closer against him and slipping a careful arm under the crook of her knees. For a moment he cradled her, partly to give her time to object and partly because, fuck, she was _alive_ and _there._ He would have done anything to take away her PTSD, anything to stave off the terrifying nightmares, but since there was nothing he _could_ do, he would settle for carrying her to bed.

Kaidan was rewarded with the faintest breath of a laugh when he rose with Shepard in his arms. Hitching her up actually produced a smile. She kissed him, arms still around his neck.

“I can walk now, you know,” she said.

“Yeah, I know.” Shepard gave a little sigh, leaning against him. _I just like holding you, sweetheart._ You were never more aware of someone else than when you were carrying them, or they were carrying you, he thought. Kaidan could feel every breath she took, every movement as she braced herself against him to make her body a lighter burden – not that she needed to after all the muscle and bone she'd lost over London. Her smallest laugh vibrated in his ribs. She was an active passenger in his arms, kissing him or talking to him or just leaning her face into his neck, one arm firm across his shoulders, distributing some of her weight. There was no clearer proof that she was alive and conscious. He just stood there for a moment, lost in her heartbeat and the little flutter of her eyelashes against his skin, tension slowly unknotting in his chest.

“Are we going to bed, or what? Not that I'm complaining...” Shepard murmured.

“Yeah. Sorry. I just... Bad night.” She gave him a sympathetic squeeze. Kaidan paused on their way out to let her switch off the bathroom light.

Back in their room, he sat down on the bed and let Shepard clamber out of his lap on her own, wary of laying her on her back and bending over her after a Cerberus nightmare bad enough to wake her. A boyfriend had once tried to get him out of a bad moment by pulling him up off the mattress and pressing him back against the headboard – Kaidan guessed he'd been going for eye contact. It was about a year after Jump Zero. _Poor Sean._ He'd been an asshole, but he hadn't deserved to get thrown across the room.

Shepard turned back the covers and held out her hand and Kaidan came to her, putting his arms around her as she tucked them in. She snuggled comfortably against him in the dark. He could feel her breath slowing as she finally calmed down. The heater pinged in the corner; it was getting cold at night. Kaidan pressed his lips to Shepard's forehead.

“Are you okay?” she said. “I didn't ask.” _Her eyes wide open, staring blankly past him –_

“Yeah,” he said with an effort.

“Are you sure?” Kaidan drew a breath to say yeah, he was fine, and found the words fetching up against his teeth like leaves in a dam. He grimaced.

“Those false awakenings are a bitch,” he said. Shepard gave him a squeeze.

“Yeah.”

“I've... never had one before.”

“Bad, huh?” _Lips parted, cheek cold under his palm._

“Fell out of bed.”

“Shit. I hate waking up like that.” He laughed, one harsh breath of bitter amusement.

“Yeah, it sucks.”

“Do you want to talk about it? The dream?” _The way her head lolled on the pillow, no muscle tension behind it at all..._ Kaidan hugged her hard. He shouldn't, didn't want to upset her, god it was so ugly. But the memory sat in a knot in his throat and he couldn't think of anything else to say.

“First I dreamed about London. The last push for the conduit. You uh, you called in the evac. And then I,” it was hard to get the words out, “I lost you. I saw it happen.” Her fingers were warm as she stroked his neck in sympathy. “Woke me up. I mean, I thought. And I went to hug you and you were, fuck.” He took a deep breath. “You were gone. Not – I mean, you were in bed with me, but just...”

“I got it, Kaidan.” _Eyes open, flat and dull in the moonlight, pupils blown, unmoving, unblinking, unfocused._ He stared at the wall, concentrating hard on the faint outlines of the floral pattern on the wallpaper, trying to blot the images out of his mind.

“That's when I fell out of bed,” he said. Shepard hugged him tight. He buried his face in her shoulder gratefully. She could feel his heart pounding.

“And I wasn't there when you woke up. God, I'm sorry.”

“Not your fault,” he mumbled.

“I'm still sorry.” _No wonder he came looking for me,_ she thought. _No wonder he was so upset. A dream like that, I would have woken him up just to make sure he was okay. Fuck._ Kaidan was rubbing her back.

“It was just a dream,” he said. Shepard got the impression he was mostly talking to himself.

“I'm right here, babe. I'm not going anywhere. I promise.” She kissed his temple. He nuzzled blindly against her neck, wanting to feel her skin against his lips. Shepard ran her fingers through his hair. “I love you,” she said again.

“I love you too,” he whispered.

 


	12. In which we cope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I post a new chapter I'm like "I'll try to have the next one up soon!" and then every time it takes me 2-3 weeks to get the next update all lined up. I give up. I'll have another chapter for you guys in a few weeks. Sorry for being such a flake, I've been sick. /Again./ Happy new year lol

 Neither of them slept well that night. Shepard drifted from nightmare to nightmare, yanking herself awake over and over again. Her restlessness kept Kaidan from sleeping at all; by four in the morning, he was seeing migraine auras at the edges of his vision. He lay there, watching her toss and turn through the slowly shrinking window in the coruscating ripples pressing in on him, unable to muster up any irritation or resentment. Mostly, he just felt tired. Between the bad dreams, the sleep deprivation, and the deep ache he felt watching his wife's face twist as she slept, he had no room left for anger. He contemplated the Illusive Man's death through the slow thrum of pain beginning behind his eyes. He hoped it had been painful. He hoped he'd died knowing that his every hope and dream had slipped through his fingers, never to be realized.

By dawn, the migraine was in full swing. Kaidan woke Shepard when he got up to close the curtains, half-blinded by the light of the sunrise.

“Nngh. What's up?” she mumbled, hazy with sleep.

“Migraine,” Kaidan said, squinting hard as he yanked at the curtain. Shepard rolled over, rising to her knees and taking the fabric from his hand. Blessed darkness descended over the room with a flick of her wrist.

“Come back to bed,” she said softly. Kaidan obeyed with a rush of gratitude, burying his throbbing head under the covers with a low groan. Shepard laid a careful hand on his shoulder through the comforter.

“Did you take your meds?” she asked, her voice hardly more than a whisper.

“No,” he said glumly. “Didn't want to wake you.”

“Oh, sweetheart...” But she wouldn't patronize him by telling him off for not taking his pills, not when he was already suffering for it. Shepard just got out of bed and padded carefully around the room, putting her right foot down slowly and deliberately with every step so as to keep her prosthetic from clicking on the hardwood. Kaidan realized that she had slept with her prostheses on, both of them, all night. _That's bad for her nerves,_ he thought, momentarily worried. But if she wasn't going to tell him off for spending all night staring down an ugly aura, he wouldn't pester her about her healing implants. _Cerberus nightmares._ He knew how immobility terrified her.

“You have water here,” Shepard murmured, setting his meds down on the bedside table with hardly a sound. “I'll go tell everyone to keep it down today. Can I get you anything?” Kaidan sighed.

“'m okay.”

“All right.” Shepard bent to plant a kiss on his bicep before slipping out the door, shutting it carefully behind her.

Kaidan lay perfectly still, hands curled in his hair, knees slightly bent. His head throbbed dully in the quiet. The fear on his wife's face as she jerked awake from her nightmares seemed tattooed on the back of his eyelids. Nothing had helped, not holding her or rubbing her back or talking to her as she slept – in the end he'd given up and just watched her toss and turn as he sank deeper and deeper into the migraine. It had been one of those nights where she flinched from him as she woke, still half-dreaming, feeling some dead torturer's hands stroking her hair instead of his. Dr. Chakwas had called PTSD a horror show once. _Ain't that the truth._ Kaidan started to grind his teeth, then forced himself to relax as a wave of pain swamped him. The faint creak of the door made him flinch reflexively.

“Sorry,” Shepard whispered. She closed it silently and tiptoed over to the bed, setting something down on his bedside table with only a rustle. He felt the mattress shift as she sat down beside him. Her hand rested lightly on his side. “Do you want your meds?”

“Nngh. Yeah.”

“Here.” He peered out from beneath the comforter, squinting defensively in the dimness. Shepard was counting a few pills into her palm, handling the bottle as quietly as she could. “Two or three?”

“Four.” A soft breath of a laugh.

“Okay.” Kaidan took the proffered pills gratefully, and then the glass of water. Sitting up was unpleasant, to say the least. Finished, he buried his face in the pillow with a groan as Shepard put a hand on his shoulder.

“Should I go?” she murmured. Kaidan mumbled a wordless no, groping through the covers for her thigh. “Well, hang on.” She got up, tugging the comforter up over his head before going around to her side of the bed. It took him a moment to work out that she was taking off her prostheses. He slipped a hand out from under the blankets, stretching his fingers blindly toward her, and was rewarded by a warm clasp and her lips on the inside of his wrist. Shepard scooted closer to him, easing herself under the blankets with as much clumsiness as care. Kaidan wrapped an arm around her waist, wishing he weren't in pain and could just pull her close; he settled for nuzzling his face against her shoulder. She rubbed his back, moving only a little to avoid rustling the comforter.

“Thank you,” he mumbled into her shirt.

“Of course, babe.” He could hear the smile in her voice. Kaidan began to drift, the comforting warmth of his wife beside him a poor anchor as the pain in his head swelled. Still, it was better than being alone. He felt bad for making her lie there in bed with him instead of doing something more interesting, but she'd told him more than once she didn't mind, and her palm stroking his shoulder blade was a welcome distraction. _I took the drugs,_ he told himself. _Not as soon as I could have, but I took them. This isn't as bad as plenty of migraines I've had. That one after Feros..._ He'd been laid up for almost a week with it. Dr. Chakwas had been worried; Shepard had been visibly relieved to see him on the Crew Deck when he finally emerged, drawn and tired, but functional again. _God, she was so_ human _back then, just an L3 with a chip on her shoulder who cared about her crew more than she liked to admit. She was younger than me too, really_ younger, _before everybody got together to put her through the wringer and aged her a damn century in a few years. If you don't count the years she was dead as time actually lived, I'm even older than her now than I was on the SR1, but I still kind of feel like the younger man in this marriage. War, I guess. And fucking Cerberus –_

A wave of agony interrupted his train of thought and Kaidan clung to her, holding in a groan with the ease of long practice. Shepard kept silent, never altering the slow caress of her fingers against his back, and after a wretchedly long moment, it passed. He sighed, relaxing slightly. _Fuck, these drugs better kick in soon._ He'd felt worse, it was true, but he'd felt a hell of a lot better too. _An L2 with chronic migraines and a decorated war hero with two prostheses. What a pair we make,_ he thought, amused in spite of himself. _The disabled and chronically ill, taking the galaxy by storm._ Kaidan curled up against Shepard's side with a sigh. If he was lucky, his medication would knock him out soon; if he was even luckier, his wife would get a little sleep too. He squeezed her ever so gently.

“I love you,” he whispered. Shepard squeezed back.

“I love you too, babe,” she said.

 

~~~

 

Shepard drifted into wakefulness in the early afternoon, unable to remember falling asleep. She turned over, rubbing her face with a groan, heavy-eyed and dry-mouthed. Kaidan had rolled away from her as he slept; he lay on his back, face turned a little away from her, breathing deeply. _Thank god for those drugs,_ she thought. His migraines were miserable enough to watch, and while Kaidan was considered stoic even on the Normandy, there was a limit to his pain tolerance. Shepard had perfected the art of crying silently before she turned 17, but she'd never seen someone cry without moving a muscle until she'd gotten involved with him. Every moment he slept was a respite from the blinding pain wearing him down, and she was grateful for it.

Shepard slipped out from under the covers an put on her leg slowly, taking care not to jostle the bed. She knew Kaidan slept deeply under the influence of his meds, but she wasn't about to chance waking him. She rose and leaned against the dresser to put her arm on, then padded downstairs, buttoning the front of her shirt. The fingers of her right hand were stiff and clumsy still, their range of motion limited by the scar tissue covered by the exoprosthetic. Shepard was muttering by the time she did up the last button.

“Afternoon!” Amy said brightly. She was alone in the kitchen, fixing herself a ham sandwich. Pointy crouched near her feet, chomping on a lump of meat and purring loudly.

“Hey.” Shepard dug in the fridge for some eggs.

“How's meat boy?”

“Sleeping.”

“Good. Those fucking migraines.” Amy scowled at her lunch.

“Yeah.” Shepard pulled down a skillet and set some oil to heat on the range, slicing bread for toast. “I wish there was more I could do, you know?”

“At least he lets you do _something._ He won't let anybody else – he even kicks Sal out.” Amy perched on one of the stools by the kitchen island, watching Shepard cook as she started in on her sandwich. Shepard chuckled.

“That asshole. Course he does.”

“I think he just doesn't like to feel like he's bothering anyone. Besides, it's – well.” Amy sighed. “I shouldn't run my mouth to you about family drama, Shep.”

“Jump Zero?” Shepard said quietly, dumping scrambled eggs and ham onto a plate.

“Yeah.” She went to sit beside the younger woman, bringing the coffee pot. Amy filled her mug and just held it, eyes unfocused as she stared down at her coffee.

“Sorry. I didn't meant to pry.”

“No, it's fine. You probably know all about it anyway.”

“We never talked about our families much, actually. Didn't come up somehow.”

“Guess you had bigger things to worry about, what with saving the galaxy and all.” Shepard gave a lop-sided shrug.

“I dunno. I always figured _he_ figured I wanted to avoid the subject. He wasn't too far off the mark for awhile there, so I just never brought it up.” She'd told Amy a little about her family; her sister-in-law had a way of listening without judgment that had startled her at first. It seemed incongruous coming from someone who loved to poke fun at everyone around her, but Amy had a good sense for when to let things be.

“Right.” Amy took a deliberate bite of sandwich and chewed slowly. Shepard wondered if she was buying herself some time to think, or if the silence was for her own benefit. The younger woman could be flippant or tactless at times, but she was shrewd enough, and there was a sly, laughing kindness about her – she was the kind of person to shush everyone upstairs in case they woke you, then give you a hard time for sleeping late. Still waters ran deep in Kaidan and his sisters, she mused. He and Sal tended to be steady and reserved, saving their thoughts for the few they felt close to, but Amy was more extroverted, chatty, even loud. The unobservant might have thought she wore her heart on her sleeve, but Shepard had spent too long perfecting her own swagger to be fooled – Amy showed people what she wanted them to see, and no more. The fact that she'd so much as mentioned BAaT in Shepard's presence, however obliquely, meant she liked and trusted her a great deal. Shepard felt oddly honored.

“I think he feels like the migraines are just another reminder of what happened, you know? He never said a word – not that we had much contact after they took him.” Amy's lip curled. “Bastards. But when he got home... There's only so long a person can just sit on their PTSD, you know? Especially a kid.” Shepard fiddled with her fork. Even those broad brushstrokes painted a pretty grim picture.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I guess you would, huh. Shit was rough for awhile. I was so much younger, too; I think I missed a lot of what happened. Him and Sal were like one sibling with four arms a lot of the time. They shared a room for ages, even after Sal started her transition. Moved right back in with her when he got home. I think she wanted him where she could keep an eye on him or something.” Shepard sighed.

“It must have been awful, having your brother disappear like that. How old were you? Seven?”

“Yeah. I missed him like all hell. Didn't actually see him for four _years._ And when he did come home... pff.” Amy blew out a long breath, shaking her head. “You haven't been woken up til your brother does it at 4am on a school night, screaming in his sleep. Well, _I_ hadn't, anyway.” Shepard shook her head, wincing in sympathy.

“Fuck.” Kaidan had told her some of this – they'd compared notes on nightmares enough that she'd heard a few of his stories about living at home after Brain Camp. His PTSD had been bad – “Almost as bad as yours,” he'd told her once, smiling that little half-smile.

“The facts about Jump Zero were just starting to surface around the time he got back, too. That was what really got to mom and dad. I thought their marriage was over for a bit there, but they pulled through.”

“God.”

“It was. I don't know if you saw any of the news on it, way out in the Traverse. The first spate of sexual abuse allegations... Well. I won't get into it. Not that I really understood at the time, I just knew that our parents were freaking the fuck out at Kaidan and he and Sal were pissed as hell about it.”

“Sounds ugly.”

“No kidding. I mean, nobody was mad at him, you know? Mom and dad were just terrified of what he wasn't telling them. There was an awful lot he wouldn't talk about. Hell, I still don't know much about what happened out there. Not that it's any of my business, I mean. Obviously, he's entitled to talk about it or not, and it was a hell of a long time ago. But you know Kaidan, he blamed himself for everything, wanted to protect us...”

“That's child abuse for you,” Shepard said grimly.

“Yeah, no shit.” Amy shook her head. “I still don't know how he does it, wearing that uniform every day.”

“It was more than half a lifetime ago for him. A lot's happened since then.”

“I know. And the Alliance does plenty of good work, of course – saving the world and all,” Amy said, toasting Shepard with her coffee, only half-ironically. Shepard shrugged.

“That was the job, I guess.” It still made her uncomfortable when people talked about her like that, as if she were some kind of savior or messiah. “It wasn't just me. I couldn't have done it alone. Not without Kaidan, for sure.”

“Guess it's a good thing it wasn't me in his shoes, huh? I doubt if I could have stomached enlisting.”

“It's hard to know what you'd do in that position – ”

“Unless you've been there, I know. And the situation on this stupid planet isn't great for biotics outside the military. I hope you don't think I'm judging him, or condemning anything he did.” Amy's black eyes met Shepard's, her face serious. “I have _so_ much respect for my brother. I guess I just... don't have his courage. Going back to the Alliance after what they did? God, he's brave. Coming home was brave, moving out was brave, joining the military... No wonder he's a war hero.” Shepard smiled faintly.

“Yeah, he deserved every one of those medals. Took a few bullets for me in there somewhere too.”

“Typical meat boy. Putting himself in harm's way to save – ”

“– his reckless, lunatic CO?”

“I was gonna say girlfriend, but that works too.” Shepard grinned.

“Ahh, he rescued me a few times before we ever got together.”

“Really? To hear him tell it, you bride-carried him out of every single fight.”

“Seriously? That asshole.” Amy laughed.

“Reckless lunatic _crush_ then, eh?”

“I guess so.” Shepard smiled into her coffee. Amy reached out to refill her own mug and grimaced when she found the pot cold to the touch. She slid off her stool and went to reheat it, with a toss of her head that said modern technology had personally betrayed her by not solving this problem a generation ago.

“It's a fucked-up world, isn't it?” Amy said, turning on the microwave. “Reapers or no Reapers. Slavery, genocide, our own goddamn military... When I think about what people in the 21st century imagined for our future, and where we are now – huh. I'm just glad you married Kaidan, Shep. I think you're good for him.”

“He's not so bad for me, either. Hell, _he's_ the balanced one in this relationship.” Shepard sighed, looking out the kitchen window with unfocused eyes. She could see one of her nephews on the tire swing in the yard, holding the rope with both hands and leaning back far enough to see the sky below him as he swung. “Every day he was on the Normandy, he saved my life,” she said softly.

“You saved him, too.” Shepard looked down, embarrassed. The microwave beeped and Amy turned, picking up her mug. “Seriously. Thanks for bringing back my meat boy, Captain. Besides, if you weren't around I think all the glory would go to his head. Col. Meaty, savior of the galaxy – ” Shepard snorted.

“The day that guy grows an ego, the universe will implode.”

“Ooh, you've never seen me beat him at a tac' simulator.”

“Is it the losing he hates, or how much you gloat?” Amy cackled.

“Both, probably. But he's had a chip on his shoulder about it ever since he joined up. I think he thinks it's unfair that his baby sister and her finance degree can kick his ass at tactical games.” She shook her head. “What a nerd.” Shepard grinned.

“Now this, I gotta see.”

“Hell yeah you do! Hey, here.” Amy held out an imperious hand for Shepard's empty mug.

“Thanks.” The younger woman leaned against the counter, refilling both of their cups.

“So, grandma and grandpa's rings, huh?”

“Yeah.” Shepard glanced down at her unadorned left hand, unable to suppress a smile.

 _“Aw,”_ Amy said wickedly.

“Oh, shut up.”

“It's just so _precious_ – ”

“I could kill you with this fork, you know.”

“The illustrious Capt. Shepard getting _wifed – ”_

“Oh my god! _This_ is why Kaidan hates playing tac' games with you.”

“Maybe.” Amy tucked a lock of black hair behind one ear, the picture of innocence.

“And, okay, ' _wifed'?”_ Shepard demanded, raising her eyebrows. Amy just twinkled at her as she passed back her mug, the coffee inside fragrant and steaming.

 

~~~

 

The sun had finally set, and Kaidan was contemplating getting up when Shepard peeked into their bedroom. She'd checked on him periodically all day, although he'd slept for most of it. His headache had subsided from incapacitating to merely irritating, provided he kept the room dark. He'd been amusing himself with the kitten, who had come up to visit a little while ago. Pointy seemed to have taken a liking to him, perhaps because out of the entire household, he was the most tolerant of her deep desire to scale humans and ride around on their shoulders. She seemed disappointed that he wasn't serving his usual purpose as her steed that day, but was still willing to play hide-and-seek with his hand under the covers. His wife stood in the doorway, stifling laughter as the little cat chased the furtively shifting lump around the bed.

“Hey, Shepard,” Kaidan said.

“Hey. Having fun?” She matched the pitch of her voice to his, wary of bothering his head.

“Oh yeah, it's a cat party up here.” Pointy took a flying leap at his hand and missed, landing between his knees with a _flump._ Shepard clapped a hand over her mouth, giggling. Kaidan smiled.

“You want dinner? There's hot dish,” she managed after a moment.

“That would be great.”

“Okay.” She vanished down the hall, laughing to herself. The kitten squeaked, clambering up onto Kaidan's chest.

“Hi,” he murmured. He crawled a hand around in the sheets by his side, rustling a little. The kitten stared, thrilled, crouching and lashing her tail as she wound up for a spring. Kaidan yanked away at the last second, and the startled kitten dropped onto the bedspread where his fingers had been just in time for him to knock her over. He tickled her belly and Pointy attacked him gleefully, sinking her claws into the comforter.

“You're gonna destroy that thing if we keep this up, miss,” he told the kitten. She gnawed on his thumb, oblivious. “Ow!”

“Run afoul of the fearsome beast?” Shepard was back, plate in one hand, mug in the other.

“She's got the drop on me,” Kaidan confessed, attempting to extricate himself from Pointy's hold. _Well, it's a hell of an appropriate name,_ he thought ruefully. Shepard laughed as she set his food down on the bedside table.

“C'mere, you.” She leaned over and picked the cat up in her right hand. Pointy mewed, her claws skittering on the hard plastic of Shepard's prosthetic. “Gotcha.”

“Ooh, good idea,” Kaidan said, sitting up gingerly. His head pounded for a moment, then settled down to a dull ache. Shepard had brought him hot dish, peas, and –

“Your mom sent you chicken broth,” she said, sitting down next to him. Kaidan chuckled.

“Of course she did.” Shepard put Pointy on her shoulder, then had to stifle another burst of giggles when the kitten fell off.

“Nice work,” she told her, gravely sarcastic. Kaidan dug into his dinner, leaving Shepard to fend of Pointy's attempts at a thorough investigation of his plate. After a few minutes she ejected the kitten from the bed entirely; mortally offended, Pointy left them in search of easier prey.

“Feeling any better?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah. Got some good sleep, finally.”

“I'm glad.” She touched her head lightly to his shoulder, unwilling to lean on him.

“How are you doing? Get any rest today?”

“I fell asleep for awhile this morning. I feel fine now. Went for a walk with your mom, finished my book, peeled a bunch of potatoes...”

“Took care of your ailing husband...”

“Ailing? _God_. Something you're not telling me, Kaidan?” She nudged him with a gentle elbow. He chuckled.

“No.” Kaidan turned to her and Shepard obligingly pressed her forehead to his lips.

“There better not be.” He returned his attention to his food, smiling; he would have shaken his head if it hadn't hurt so damn much. Shepard sat quietly beside him, letting a companionable silence stretch as he finished his dinner and started on the mug of broth his mom had sent up. It was good – he recognized Dana's recipe. _Must be from the basement freezer._ He couldn't blame his mother for wanting to take care of him, and of all the ways she'd ever relieved her feelings about his implant, this was probably his favorite. It was silly and unneeded, of course, but at least it was silent, and he _liked_ Dana's chicken stock.

“So? Are you healed?” his wife asked as he slurped the last of it down.

“I wish,” he said with a chuckle. Shepard stacked his dishes by the bed with a smile. Moving slowly, Kaidan draped an arm around her shoulders. She settled herself against him with a soft sigh.

“I feel bad, getting a migraine up here,” he said.

“Hey, you can't control it. Not your fault.”

“I know. But I could have gotten up and taken my meds sooner...”

“Baby, if you want someone to give you a hard time for not listening to doctors, you are talking to the _wrong_ person.” She grinned up at him. “Remember that time I yelled at the specialized medical team the Council set up to look after me?”

“That happened more than once, love.”

“You see what I'm saying.” Kaidan gave her a squeeze. His head did feel better with some food in him.

“No, it's just such a drag. It stresses mom out and stuff. You know.”

“Yeah.” Shepard kissed his cheek.

“I hate that they're chronic. It drives me nuts that there's nothing anybody can do to get rid of them, I mean.” Her mouth twisted sympathetically.

“It must be so frustrating to have to live with that kind of pain.”

“And not being able to predict it. If I could just schedule around them... But as it is, every time I start seeing auras it's like, there goes _my_ weekend.” Shepard put a hand on his chest.

“It doesn't bother me,” she said.

“Oh, you don't have to console me, sweetheart. Sorry.”

“It's fine. Just – your migraines? Are not a problem for me. Obviously it sucks to watch you suffer, but I'm just glad I can help at all, you know?” She'd told him so before, but it was good to hear she still meant it.

“Thanks, love.”

“I owe you for all that carrying me around when I was laid up, anyway,” Shepard quipped, and was rewarded with a breath of laughter.

“You don't owe me anything. I was glad to do it.”

“See? That's what I'm saying.” She planted a kiss somewhere in the vicinity of her husband's chin. Kaidan cupped her face in his hand, running a delicate thumb across her cheekbone.

“Thanks, Shepard,” he said, and she pushed herself up off the mattress a little to press her lips to his.

“Love you, babe,” she murmured. Kaidan brushed his nose against hers.

“Always,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM AWARE that I have an amazing fic in which Shepard and Kaidan adopt a kitten bookmarked on here. Let the record show that I wrote Pointy into this story like a month before I ever laid eyes on that piece.


	13. In which we are family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, you guys! I've been in the hospital and getting outpatient treatment and all this stuff. I'm on a million drugs and my health is a mess, which makes it tough to write. (Sorry if the quality's a little uneven, I'm kind of addled atm.) But don't worry, I haven't forgotten about any of my fics, least of all this one.

They took a little more time to prepare for the second wedding, but not much. Cady complained that two weeks wasn't really long enough to plan something _nice._ Kaidan pointed out that if they waited too long it would be too cold for an outdoor ceremony, and besides, he and Shepard weren't going for a fancy party, but his mom just huffed and said, “Well, _I_ am.”  Sal chuckled into her palm.

“Your turn, man,” she said, grinning at her brother across the dining room table.

“For what?” Kaidan sat with his arm draped across the back of Shepard's chair, nursing a cup of coffee over the remains of an excellent lunch.

“Dad tried to plan my wedding; now you get mom all over yours.”

“I'm not trying to plan the wedding! I just don't see why we can't – ”

“What do you mean, 'we'?” Kaidan demanded.

“Told you,” Sal muttered into her mug.

“Oh, sweetie, your old mom – ”

“My old _mom?”_ Kaidan was laughing, his hands in the air. “Seriously?”

“You already had one ceremony, up in space somewhere. And we didn't get to come to that one, so don't you think we should do something nice this time around?”

“Hang on, is this a guilt trip?”

“How can you say something like that to me?” Cady looked hurt; her son appeared unmoved.

“Mom, me and Shepard are the ones getting married here. Just let us set it up, okay?”

“I just want to help. My only boy ... and you two have been through so much. You deserve this one beautiful thing.” Cady fiddled with her napkin, looking away. Sal busied herself with her coffee, very loudly not saying, _Here we go._ Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Mom...”

“Look, what does Jane think? Hon?” Cady looked appealingly at her daughter-in-law.

Shepard, who had been studiously examining her empty plate, wrapped her hands around her mug and said, “Um.”

“Mom!” Kaidan protested. Dana was telegraphing an explicit warning to Shepard over her wife's shoulder; Sal sat by, blandly spectating.

“Doesn't Jane get input on her own wedding?” Cady demanded.

“Of course she does, but – ”

“Well then, she should get input on this conversation, shouldn't she?”

“You can't put her on the spot like that, it's not fair.”

“Asking a simple question is putting someone on the spot now? Good heavens.” Kaidan gave his wife's shoulder a gentle squeeze; to Sal's critical eye, Shepard appeared to be trying to disappear through sheer force of will. It was a valiant effort, she thought.

“Look, we already picked a date. Besides, how much more can we really do? Who else are we going to invite? Everybody in Singapore? There was an interstellar _war_ on two months ago. And the last week in October is already pushing it, weather-wise. For god's sake.”

“Oh, sweetie – ”

“Anybody need more coffee?” Amy asked brightly. She stood in the kitchen doorway like an angel of mercy, rocking on the balls of her feet, coffee pot in one hand.

 _“Yeah,”_ Shepard, Kaidan, and Sal chorused, sounding variously grateful, relieved, and – to Kaidan's mind – more amused than was really appropriate.

“Here you go,” Amy said, plonking the coffee pot down in the middle of the table and dropping into a seat by Shepard, cup in hand.

“We were just talking about doing something more formal for the wedding, dear. Don't you think that would be nice?” Cady said, smiling at her youngest daughter. Amy quirked a brow.

“It'll be too cold for an outdoor ceremony if they push the date out any further, won't it?” she said.

“Don't worry, mom,” Sal said, filling Shepard's mug. “Amy'll make it up to you with a white tie reception when her turn rolls around.” Amy sat bolt upright, eyebrows snapping together.

“Oh, will I? I seem to recall _somebody_ having a semi-formal _beach_ wedding and showing up to _her_ ceremony in a pair of rhinestone _flip-flops –_ ” Sal reached into her pocket, withdrew a ready hand, and without so much as blinking, fired a rubber band down the table at her younger sister. Amy shrieked; Sal lined up a second missile, then a third, effectively ending the conversation. Cady sat shaking her head in despair; Dana grabbed at her wife's arm, rolling her eyes; Shepard and Kaidan leaned on each other, speechless with laughter.

“Stop it, you'll give the boys ideas,” Dana admonished.

“Like they need any inspiration from me,” Sal said, but she dropped the rubber band she'd been aiming at Amy's head.

“Thanks for the assist, meat boy,” Amy said, scowling at her brother, who was wiping his eyes. Shepard sipped her coffee, struggling to catch her breath.

“I am surrounded by children,” Cady lamented, trading looks with Dana.

“Don't I know it.” But Sal took her wife's hand with one of those slow, easy grins that even Dana at her most sardonic couldn't help but return.

“Two weeks still isn't enough time to plan a nice wedding,” Cady grumbled.

“Relax, mom. It'll be great. Like I said, it's not like we're gonna have a long guest list. Besides, we've done this once already.”

“Yeah. We're practically pros at this point. Don't worry – we got this,” Shepard said, smiling crookedly. Cady shook her head, looking her daughter-in-law over affectionately.

“You two never waste a minute, do you?”

“Don't have time,” Shepard said softly, leaning into the circle of Kaidan's arm.

And the planning got done, despite Cady's objections. It helped that there was no venue to book, no dress to choose, no distant guests to coordinate with. Internet and Extranet access across the planet was still patchy, interstellar travel prohibitively difficult, most of the crew of the Normandy back on duty, and a good many friends and relations were either very far away or unaccounted for. Cady's surviving relatives in Singapore were busy rebuilding, and Shepard's team had scattered to the four winds.

So they invited some family friends and some of the friendlier neighbors, a few old buddies of Kaidan's father's, and the fire marshal, who had a great love of the Alenkos' cider and was a lot of fun at parties. Amy took the happy couple out to lunch and threatened to have Shepard killed if she broke her meat boy's heart; Kaidan kicked his sister under the table while his wife laughed and promised and laughed some more. They got their rings sized and pressed their dress uniforms; Cady dug up ingredients for a cake; the boys clamored to be ringbearers; Sal offered to be Shepard's matron of honor; Shepard demanded to know what the hell a matron of honor was. Everybody argued good-naturedly about what kind of liquor to put in the punch. Outside, the leaves fell in red and yellow drifts and the sun and moon shone golden on the dying grass. The family held their gladness close, like a cup of tea or a treasured secret – at the end of that devastating year, that terrible war, something good was beginning. Shepard thought of green shoots on Tuchanka and smiled.

 

~~~

 

“Have you picked out an outfit yet?” Sal asked.

“For the wedding?” Amy shrugged, rolling her eyes a little. “I dunno. It's no fair – Shepard and meat boy just get to wear their uniforms, but all _my_ formalwear got blown up last year.” Sal looked her sister over with a critical eye. It was a blustery afternoon, the sun appearing and disappearing between the rushing clouds, and the two women were out for a walk in the orchard. Sal's long hair whipped around her face in a windblown curtain, but Amy wore her glossy locks in a tight braid that she'd shoved down the back of her jacket.

“I might have a skirt that would fit you,” Sal mused.

“No way. The end of October's too cold for skirts. I have a pair of slacks somewhere, I think,” Amy said.

“Coward.”

“Okay, when you're whining about your cold feet during the ceremony – ”

“I never whine.”

“No, you just shoot rubber bands at people, which is _so_ much more mature.”

“Effective, too,” Sal said blandly. Amy shot her older sister an elegant sneer. Sal held her deadpan for a moment, then smiled crookedly. “I'll wear tights, believe me.” Amy tossed her head, her sniff indicating that she considered the whole topic beneath her. They walked on for a moment in silence, side by side.

“This is gonna be nice,” Amy said at length. “Just a little wedding, out here, with mom...”

“It worked out well. I'm glad Kaidan set this up so she could be here. It means a lot to her.”

“I'm glad _we_ could be here.”

“I'm glad he could,” Sal murmured.

“Yeah.” Amy's voice was soft with fear now passed, but not quite faded. Sal's eyes were distant, seeing again the look on their mother's face as the detonating Crucible lit up the sky with scarlet fire. She hadn't even thought of Kaidan in that moment, entirely occupied with the safety of her wife and sons as the massive explosion came bellowing down through Earth's atmosphere, but Cady had swayed, clutching at her daughters, her lips shaping their brother's name under the weapon's roar. It had taken Sal a minute or two to understand why her mom was crying; at the time, she hadn't quite been able to take it in. The knowledge that she might well have just witnessed Kaidan's death wouldn't fit into her skull just then, so it bounced off her outsides and hung there, waiting its turn to terrify her. It wasn't until the next morning that she'd thought of him and found herself struggling for air, the armor of blank incomprehension stripped away, her twin brother's absence yawning inside her like a gaping wound. Even now, in retrospect, she felt the horror of it.

“Losing dad and meat boy in the same year would have been...” Amy's voice broke through Sal's reverie. Her little sister's face was dark; Sal wondered if she too had just been standing on the lawn, watching Shepard burn the Reapers from the sky while their mother leaned on her and cried.

“It would have killed mom,” she said.

“It would have killed me, too.” Amy shut her eyes for a moment, her mouth tight. Sal grimaced. They had all been close to their father, but Amy had been his especial pet, even as a rebellious teenager. It had always struck Sal as a little ironic that she and Kaidan, the older kids, who had taken most after their father in appearance and stature, had never really joined in his pursuits, but their baby sister, with her striking resemblance to their slight, pretty mother, had been the one who _begged_ their dad to take her out hunting or ice fishing or to let her use the motor saw. They all learned to clean a carcass and handle a gun and chop down a tree, of course, but Amy was the one with the bear stories, the one who climbed dangerously high in the chestnut tree to take down a dead limb before it could fall on the house. They all played hockey, but only Amy got their dad to show her how to duck the twins' body checks and use her lower center of gravity to take them down. Kaidan had inherited their dad's bookishness and introspective nature, and would talk with him for hours about something he'd read or heard or thought of; Sal herself had been his oldest girl, the apple of his eye, advised and picked on and adored; but Amy had been his apprentice, his accomplice, his little imp, and losing him so young had broken her heart worse than she would ever admit.

Their dad had left a terrible hole behind in the family. A yawning silence stretched where his barking laugh had been; now there was no one to back mom up when she wanted it most, or call Sal his girl and give her a hug, or bounce a joke back and forth with Amy until the twins abandoned the conversation in disgust. Sal missed his unwavering interest in her life and family, the sidelong smiles he'd trade with Dana when she pretended she wasn't looking, the delight he took in wrestling with her sons on the living room rug. His absence was a constant ache under her sternum.

But fathers were meant to die someday. Not so brothers. Sal's siblings were part of her, her identical twin and baby sister, the three of them forming something bigger, a pattern maybe, a dance, or a living creature with a beating heart. Kaidan had grown into a warm, quiet counterweight in their great shouting seesaw of a family, always there with a laugh or a beer or a ready hand. Their father had been big and exuberant, all affection and elbows, but their brother... Sal's mind still balked at imagining their family without him. To have him torn away from them – again – she simply refused to understand it. But she remembered the horror on Amy's face that day with frightening clarity.

“I don't know what we would have done,” her little sister said. The obvious answer was, 'We would have kept on going,' but that was bullshit and Sal knew it. She thrust her hands into her pockets, remembering how _different_ Kaidan had looked the day he got back from Jump Zero – the tightness around his mouth, the set of his shoulders, those wary eyes. Like another kid entirely, not her brother at all. She had rejected it at first, refused to acknowledge the change in him; she'd wanted him back so badly. But missing him had won out over her fear in the end, and she discovered that he'd been right there, right _there_ the whole time. He'd still been alive, reachable, in a place where she could help him, where loving him actually mattered.

“Me neither,” she said. Amy looked up at her, dark eyes serious.

“We owe Shepard big-time,” she said.

“No kidding.”

“She won't take credit for any of it, though. You know? Not saving meat boy, or the galaxy, or anything.” Sal shrugged.

“I bet nobody ever stops talking at her about it. Must get obnoxious, eh?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Amy kicked at a tuft of grass.

“She's something else, isn't she?” Sal felt the first hint of a smile tugging at her lips.

“She _is._ I can't tell if she reminds me more of an avalanche, or mom.” Amy was starting to smile too.

“Huh. I never thought of it like that. But you're right,” Sal said.

“They've both got that sweetness. Shepard tries to hide it, but it's there.”

“I never would have thought of _the_ Cmdr. Shepard being sweet before I met her.”

“Me neither. But she is. And _funny!”_ Amy's smile was dimpling her cheeks by now.

“Dad would've _loved_ her,” said Sal.

“She reminds me of him. The way she picks on meat boy, and lets your kids climb all over her.” Amy's eyes were a little sad, but her dimples hadn't faded.

“And god, Kaidan's so in love with her.”

“I know! The way he looks at her, like – like – I don't know what like.”

“Like she's the only other person in the world,” Sal murmured.

“Yeah.”

“I didn't really know what to make of her at first. Decorated war hero, offworlder – those scars are pretty intimidating, eh? I thought she'd be taller.”

“She seemed so aloof at first,” Amy said, nodding. “It didn't even occur to me that she might be shy. Of _us_ , of all people.”

“When I realized we made her _nervous,_ I had to go sit down for a minute.”

“ _We_ make _Shepard_ nervous?” Amy goggled.

“You bet we do. You must've seen a TV spot on her by now – she hasn't had a family since she was, what, 14? And she's married into a damn big one. Still, a woman who took down a Reaper, on foot, _alone,_ scared of her mother-in-law.”

“Mom can be pretty scary sometimes,” Amy said. “But fuck. I guess I just figured she was the strong and silent type.”

“No, that's _me._ She's just out of her element here,” said Sal, amused. Amy shot her a quizzical look.

“You ever catch her and Kaidan alone together, doing something? It comes out a little with Dana sometimes too. Before she notices you're there, it – she has... presence.” Sal's hands shaped the air in front of her. “She fills the room. Kaidan defers to her – not that she pushes him around, or ignores his input, but she's so self-assured. He just settles into her space and follows her lead. I mean – I'm making it sound like she runs their whole relationship, and that's not it. Uh...” Sal scratched her chin, frowning.

“No, I think I see what you're saying. Remember when they did the paper trick out front?” Amy said.

“With a rock as big as my damn head? How could I forget?” said Sal with a crooked smile.

“Right. I remember, what struck me then – I just figured it was the biotics, she has a hell of a corona, doesn't she? Kaidan doesn't spark like that – but she had this energy around her. She wanted us all a safe distance away, and she was focused on the trick, and where everyone was, and how she and him needed to move – ”

“You could almost _feel_ her, pressing on your skin,” Sal put in.

“Exactly. She wasn't just a person in the yard, she was...”

“Palpable.”

“Palpable. And when she served to meat boy – you know how one person leads when you're dancing? And I mean, following can be just as important as leading, and if the person following fucks it up, then the whole thing is ruined. But someone has to lead, and someone has to follow. That's still not a perfect analogy, but – ”

“I know what you mean.”

“Dad could explain it in two sentences, something about combat or whatever,” Amy said with a shrug.

“Yeah. But my point is, they work perfectly together,” said Sal.

“They balance each other.”

“Yeah, they do.” Sal kicked at a fallen apple, hands in her pockets. Amy held her face up to the wind.

“I like how tender she is with him,” she said after a moment.

“What do you mean?”

“When he got that migraine the other week, or how she talks about London, or Jump Zero...”

“When did she talk about Jump Zero?” Sal asked, surprised.

“It came up one time. But she doesn't flinch, or clutch at him, or bullshit. Nothing she does or says is about her. When he needs her, or when she feels like she needs to support him, she's just – there. And she's honest, and compassionate, and does whatever needs to be done. Meat boy gets all wrapped up in his feelings and his sense of honor or whatever it is. He wants to protect people, you know? But Shepard doesn't waste any time with that crap, does she?”

“Why should she, when everything she's been through is literally written on her face?” Sal said, fingers tracing imaginary scars down one cheek.

“Exactly. She's seen it all, I bet. She's not going to waste energy fluttering. And she doesn't make noise about it, but she's devoted to him. When he was laid up, she was totally wrapped up in him, getting him food and sitting up with him and all that. He was down for days, and she's got those injuries, and she never complained or anything,” Amy said.

“You were keeping tabs on her, huh?” Sal asked, quirking a brow. Amy shrugged.

“Not really. His migraines just... stick in my mind. Even after all this time.”

“It's good he's got somebody taking care of him,” Sal said.

“Yeah.” Amy smiled crookedly. “I doubt she gives him much of a choice.” Sal chuckled.

“She sure is intense.”

“Well, so's meat boy. I think she's good for him. He's so deliberate and controlled all the time – she'll shake him up some.”

“Kaidan, of all people, in love with an avalanche.” Sal shook her head.

“Aw, but she carries him safe all the way down the mountain every time,” Amy said, smiling.

“She'll make a good sister, eh?”

“Hell yeah. Hey, we should teach her hockey! Then this winter, we can do two on twos on the pond.” Sal's eyes lit.

“Yeah! Do we have any skates for her? What about a stick? I know there's some pucks in the basement...” The two sisters wandered off through the orchard, scheming, and the wind carried their gleeful plans away.

 


	14. In which we are glad

The day of the wedding rehearsal, Shepard slept late. By the time she woke it was late morning, and Kaidan was already up. She lazed in their empty bed, the sun warm on her bare skin, too comfortable even to slip on her prostheses and then get back under the covers. The officiant wasn't coming until after lunch – she had plenty of time to doze. Shepard smiled to herself, picturing the wedding rings in their box in Sal and Dana's dresser, then seeing the wide, golden band glinting on Kaidan's finger at the jeweler's once again, a perfect fit. The look in his eyes still made her throat feel tight. _That asshole,_ she thought, aglow with happiness. _I'm a goddamn sucker for him._ Shepard shut her eyes, remembering the feel of the ring on her finger. _The illustrious Capt. Shepard, getting wifed. Shit, how the mighty have fallen. That bastard._ She snuggled down into her pillows with a contented little sigh.

“Afternoon, sleepyhead,” Kaidan said from the doorway. Shepard opened her eyes. Her husband had paused in the act of toweling his hair dry and stood smiling down at her, wrapped in a bathrobe, his hands full of blue terrycloth.

“Yeah, right. Morning babe.” He gave a soft breath of laughter and came forward, letting the towel fall as the door dropped shut behind him.

“Good morning, love. How'd you sleep?” Shepard answered his question with a smile and an outstretched hand.

“That well, eh?” Kaidan bent to kiss her palm. She stroked his cheek with a gentle thumb.

“Take that off and get down here,” she said.

“But my hair's all wet. If I lay down now, I'll mess it up.”

“Oh, for fuck's sake – ” Shepard grabbed a handful of flannel and yanked.

“Whoa!” Kaidan caught himself before he landed on her, but it was a near thing. Her gleeful laughter proved infectious; he bent to kiss her with a smile on his lips.

“C'mon,” she murmured, tugging at the tie on his robe. Kaidan surrendered with a sigh, shrugging it off before settling himself beside her, head propped on one hand. Shepard's gaze slid over his skin, warm and appreciative. He stroked her neck, traced a pattern on the skin below her breastbone with one delicate finger.

“Two more days,” he said. She grabbed his hand, pressing his fingers to her lips.

“I can't wait.” Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

“Me neither.” Kaidan cupped her cheek in his palm and kissed her slowly, savoring the warmth of her and the sweet, insistent hunger of that mouth he loved so well. Shepard's fingers tangled in the damp hair at the nape of his neck; even when they parted, she didn't let him go, but brushed her nose against his, not opening her eyes.

“I love you so much,” she whispered.

“I love you too, sweetheart,” Kaidan replied. At last her grip loosened; he drew back, looking down into those vivid blue eyes. She was smiling, but the quirk of her brows looked almost worried.

“Everything okay?” he asked, frowning.

“I was gonna ask you the same question.”

“What? Why?” She rubbed his shoulder.

“Bad dreams last night?” Kaidan blinked. It had been – well – _the dark, the stinking dark again, Garrus and Liara at his back – the softness of flesh beneath their boots, the red emergency lighting – movement ahead – a Keeper? “How could it have survived?” It came forward, towing a bundle – no, a body – tossing the broken corpse at his feet like so much trash. The thing fetched up against his ankles, head lolling on the gleaming floor, and he saw Shepard's face through the shattered remains of her helmet – bloody and blank-eyed, unmoving._

“Kaidan?” Shepard said, concerned by the darkness in his face, and that million-mile stare. For a moment, he hardly seemed to see her. Then it passed; he shook himself and drew a breath, meeting her eyes at last.

“How did you know?”

“This morning... you were crying in your sleep.” He grimaced.

“Sorry.” Shepard scoffed.

“What for?”

“Hope I didn't wake you.” She smiled grimly.

“It was for the best, believe me.” Kaidan reached up to stroke her hair.

“You had a bad night too, eh?” Shepard gave a lop-sided shrug. _All my nights are bad nights, babe._

But “Only part of it,” was all she said. _Well, most of it, I guess._ Kaidan's tears had woken her from a stumbling journey through an endless garden of dragon's teeth, her friends and subordinates dangling from the spikes like grisly flowers, Cerberus implants glinting under their skin, behind their eyes. Shepard shook herself, trying to focus on the warm, breathing man beside her.

“You okay?” His skin was soft under her palm, his eyes shining golden-brown in the late morning sunshine. Shepard ran a finger along one thick, dark brow.

“Yeah,” she murmured. Kaidan turned his head, kissing the heel of her hand as he smiled.

“You sure?”

“Well, I guess there's always _some_ room for improvement...” And he laughed, and turned her in his arms, his mouth firm and hungry on her neck, her breast, his teeth making her whimper and sigh as he touched her.

“Oh, sweetheart...”

“Shh,” Shepard breathed, tipping his face up for a kiss as she shifted against him, trailing her tongue over his throat, past his breastbone, tasting her way down the length of him.

“Wait, don't you want your arm, or – ”

“Baby?” she murmured into her husband's belly. “Shut up.”

“I j – _fuck.”_ And his cock was like silk in her mouth, hot and fragile and achingly strong. Shepard stroked his shaft with soft, tight lips, swirling her tongue against the sensitive head of his cock, making him catch his breath. She curled her good leg around his, pulling herself closer to him, wanting to feel his skin on all of hers. Kaidan was panting in time with her caresses –

“Oh god, oh god, oh _fuck,”_ and he moaned helplessly as she drew him deep inside her and sucked, slow and hungry, tickling his balls with light fingertips, her tongue rubbing him, wet and warm and gentle. Shepard felt him come before she heard him cry out, his muscles flexing and his cock shuddering in her mouth as she stroked him, panting with lust as he spent himself against her. She let him go with one last kiss, and he collapsed onto his back, struggling to catch his breath.

“God,” Kaidan breathed. “You're incredible.” Shepard nuzzled her face against his side, smiling.

“I try,” she murmured. Her husband sighed.

“C'mere, love.” He pulled her up the bed to lie beside him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, her hand in his. Shepard smiled at him, and Kaidan planted a kiss on the end of her nose, making her laugh.

“How long do we have before that officiant shows up, again?” he asked.

“He's coming at one.”

“Well, that's plenty of time, eh?”

“Not that – ” Kaidan pressed gentle fingers to his wife's lips.

“Your turn,” he said.

“To what?” Shepard mumbled.

“Shut up, sweetheart,” he said, and kissed her.


	15. Which is an epilogue

_Hey, you two!_

_Here are the holos from the wedding, as promised. No puffy white dress, Garrus – I'm afraid you'll just have to manage – but we did get a few nice ones of the rings and everything. Food you can't eat, a planet you've only seen as rubble – you know, the good stuff. We've labeled everyone in the pictures, so we're not going to run through the guest list here. But aren't our nephews cute? Those boys are trouble – it wouldn't really have been a party if they hadn't spent the whole time trying to steal the booze, I guess._

_How are things on Rannoch? You owe us a few holos of your own this time. We want to see the house and the land and everything! And a full update, besides. Quarians keeping you on your toes, Garrus? Tali, has he found anything useful to calibrate yet? Hope things are going well. We miss you both very much._

_All our best,_

_Shepard & Kaidan_

 

_< Attached: 36 files ext. hlmg>_

 

 

“Garrus!” Tali yelled. _“Garrus!”_

“What?” The muffled reply came from somewhere outside.

“Get in here!” After a moment and a good deal of clattering, her lover appeared in the doorway, looking dirty and cheerful.

“You know, if you want that patio, you're going to have to let me _finish_ it at some point,” he said.

“Oh, shut up and come over here. We heard back from Kaidan and Shepard!”

“Really? How are they?” The couch sank rather as the turian settled himself beside her.

“See for yourself.” Tali handed him the mobile data interface with a jerk of her chin. Garrus skimmed the email, chuckling, then pulled up the images. Holos sprang to life on the MDI: two human children laughing at a strange adult who looked very much like Kaidan; a group of people standing under the spreading boughs of a gnarled, old tree; Shepard and Kaidan smiling up at him in miniature and looking very fine in their dress uniforms, rings glinting gold on their left hands, Kaidan's cheek leaning into Shepard's hair. Tali sighed softly.

“You okay?” Garrus asked.

“Yes, yes. It's just – _keelah_ , they look so happy!” She pressed a hand to her heart, gazing down at the holo. Garrus felt his mandibles flex in a smile.

“Yeah, they really do,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a wild ride! Thanks so much to everyone who's been sticking with me through my month-long silences and more, who's weathered the patchy quality of writing and my total unreliability. I've really enjoyed writing this fic and I'm looking forward to adding more pieces to this series. I hope you've all gotten as much out of this as I have.
> 
> Now off to do my final once-over so I can mark this bad boy complete and never edit it again lol


End file.
